Keep up

Well, J got the apartment on campus he was trying to get. I am glad. I don't know that having him live with me was going to work out. I think I've decided that I give up on Jared. I asked him last night what he meant by things will get better. He just said that he meant things would start getting better for me. WHAT!?! Where the hell that came from I don't know. I wasn't being all down on myself or anything. I have been in a really good mood and everything lately. I don't know why he would say that. Then today we were talking about how he had some time to talk to me a work a little more today, he said I should feel special and I said " nah, I would feel special if we made a date and you actually showed up" he just chuckled. That's what he does when he is avoiding a subject. Then he didn't say anything else. Figures. Anyway, I just don't think he is really ready for a real relationship and I am and I can't just wait around for him, so I guess if he wants to start something and I'm not already involved then we'll see what happens but other than that, it's his loss. I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and move on with my life. Like I said before I'm not going to just stand by and watch my life move on without me anymore. I have to keep going and whoever wants to be a part of that is going to have to keep up with me. Great news I got last night, as Jizr called me at 11:30 at night when I was in a dead sleep, took me a minute to realize what he was talking about when he yelled "She's Alive!!!" in my ear. Thanks for that nice wake up call, once I figured out what was going on it was very nice to know that he wasn't in nearly as much pain as Laura woke up from her coma. I think that's probably a very good sign for her. I hope and pray to god that he will keep it that way for years and years to come.

I can't find my blog! LOL

Well, I don't know where to begin. I need to start blogging more often....I get lost as to where I am at sometimes. LOL Well, again I am at a loss. Jizr has me working on finding myself again. It is definitely something I want to do but is going to be a lot of work. I just keep piling it on. Sometimes I think it's good to just tackle all of these things all at once. So, Jamaal asked me today if my offer to have him move in was still on the table. I told him it was but that we had a lot of things to discuss. As of yet, I have not heard back from him on that. The thing is I really want to be with Jared if that is something that is possible. I can not wait forever for him though. That is how I ended up going out with J in the first place. I do love J but if I had a choice today to be with one of them for the rest of my life, I would choose Jared. I just feel like I have so much more of a connection with him. I kind of want to see what may be in the cards with J but at the same time I don't want to jeopardize what may be in the cards with Jared. This is all just getting too complicated. Maybe I should just cut the cord with both of them and start fresh again. ARGH!!!!! I told Jared last night that I really wanted to find out where our relationship could go but that I couldn't wait forever for him. He didn't really say much other than, he promised it would get better. I don't really know what he meant by that. I guess I just kind of have to wait it out. I won't just sit by idly though. I have already started talking with 2 other guys who seem very nice. The best prospect probably being a guy from Pocatello named Nate. He seems pretty awesome. I've only been talking to him about a week. We'll see what kind of prospect he turns out to be...LOL I will have to see what kind of conversation I have with J before I make a final decision on him. Until then, the jury is still out, for me anyway. Well, I'm out for now.

Growing

Well, as I've said before in this past few weeks, I am still in search of finding out what love is. Sometimes I really think you can be in love and not know it. Now, this doesn't mean that you are in complete love where you love someone so deeply and truly that it hurts. I am definitely still in search of that. I don't think that kind of love is something that comes about right away, I think that kind of love comes from loving someone and letting that love grow in to more. After pondering this for awhile and doing as much sole searching as I have in the past several weeks I think that I do love J. Again this is not the truly, madly, deeply in love. I hope it can grow in to that but we are far from that place. I still know that I must take care of the financial side of our relationship first. If we can't get past that then we will never be able to go anywhere else. When I talked to him today it was so nice to hear him laughing and having fun, I could hear the "smile" in his voice. LOL That's what I want, I want to always be able to hear that from him when I talk to him. There is so much that I want from him and for him to get from me. I am again considering asking him to move in with me. This would make things easier for the financial side of things and hopefully would be better for our overall relationship. I haven't told Laurellee about any of this yet. I am trying to find the right words and the way to explain to her that I don't want her to criticize I just need her to support me and if she has concerns then she can express those to me but I also want to hear valid reasons for her concerns. In the end I am my own person and I have to make my own decisions and live with them. Of course I want my friends input because I value all of my friends opinions but I will no longer allow myself to only listen to other people and not to my own heart and head. I have for too long let that happen and I can no longer do that. I have decided to take control of my life and this is one of the first steps in doing that. I have made one move to go back to school and for me that was a big one. I am going to need all the help I can get on that one. My next big move is to really start searching for the love of my life. If J isn't it then that is fine but I have to explore this and figure it out. If anything I already know that I have grown as a person due to the relationship I have already had with him. I can only be made a better person at this point because I am not going to stop growing. I will never again be in standing in stagnant water. I may have to pause here and there to catch my breath but it will never again be for long.

Feelings just get in the way

I thought I was over it. I was doing so great, I was completely fine with the fact that I was done with J and now all I had to deal with was getting payments from him to pay off what he owes me. Then I got a phone call last night just before I left work. It was J, I figured I'd be hearing some smartass comment from him, "like what did you want the other day when you called?" But no instead he wants to know if I'm doing anything after work and if he can come and see me. I asked him why he wanted to see me and he said because he missed me and missed being around me. Now, I don't really know what I think again! One stupid phone call and everything is turned all upside down again. I don't know if it's me having true feelings for him or if it just because I'm lonely. I do know that my primary objective is still to get my money back from him. I want to love him but wanting love and loving are 2 completely different things. I don't know that wanting love can ever be enough to make you love someone. You can't make someone love you so how can you make yourself love someone. I don't think it's possible. Before I thought I might be able to get over the money thing and still be able to love him but I'm just not sure that's possible now. I think I've decided that this is a matter that needs a little time to sort through. Like the Jizr said on his blog the other day. Everyone has facades that they build to go through life and when you love someone you have to break down all of those facades and love all of them. That I think is where I am at now, I need to break down his facades so I can see what is really underneath.

Life

Life is such a complex thing. For instance all of the things I am going through right now. All of this could have been simple but instead thoughts and feelings and human nature get in the way. Sometimes I think these are good things and other times I'm not so sure. Although, when you really think about it, humans are creatures that are meant to evolve. So how do we evolve? Well, I believe that the only way to evolve is by trial and error. That is all life is. Years and years of trial and error and hopefully in the end we will have evolved in to a happy and healthy person that can share all that we have learned with others. Unfortunately, there are those that don't make it that far. I heard a new song on the radio not long ago called "How Do You Get That Lonely" by Blaine Larsen. It is basically a story about an 18 year old boy who kills himself and the singer is trying to figure out how someone could be lonely enough that they would rather have no life than live the life they have. This song touches my soul. I have never lost anyone that I knew to suicide but I went to a funeral with a friend of mine to support her when another friend of hers shot himself. I know several people that have had to deal with this and I'm sure they have all thought those same things.
"How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know"
This is something that even when I am in a slump and feeling very down, I would never consider I always think of all of those people that I know that have had someone commit suicide and all the horrible things that they had to endure. I would never want my loved ones to go through that and I would never ever leave my kids behind like that. We have to go through all of these trials of life in order to evolve and become better. I think in the end we are all headed for the same goal of becoming better as people. Some people will never learn the lessons of life and others learn from their mistakes and keep moving forward. I hope to be one of those that learns and moves forward. I feel like I am just sitting, letting my life run me rather than me running my life. This is something I must change. I can no longer sit back and idly watch my life move forward, that is not getting me to the place I want to be and I will never find happiness unless I do something about it. I will give J the chance to take care of his debt without the legal ramifications but if he chooses not to take it then I will no longer feel bad about it. He made the decision to use the money without talking to me about it and I have done all that I can without putting my family in further jeopardy.
Now, on to bigger and better things. As I think many of you know I will be starting school at ISU in the fall and working toward my Doctorate of Pharmacy. Now, this is going to be very difficult starting out for me. First of all, I have a hard time being on time and keeping a regular routine for anything. This is something I will have to master in the next couple of months since I plan to work full time, go to school full time and still be a full time parent. Full time, full time, full time. I don't know how it is all going to work out right now but I have to start getting myself into a regular routine now so that I can be more prepared. I have always been a good student and have been fortunate enough that learning comes pretty easily for me. I am scared, however, I have never really had to study before, ever. It has all come to me so easily, I know this will not be the case with college and especially not in this field, which will be very demanding and challenging. I am scared but very excited at the same time. It will be a good change for me and good to get my mind working more on things of this nature. I can't wait. What a challenge though. If anyone has any words of advice make sure to drop a note.

What is right?

How do you know what's the right thing to do? I think the majority of the time it's pretty black and white, but how do you decide when it's not so black and white? I honestly do not want J to go to jail or really to get in trouble at all for this stupid situation that we are in. Maybe that's just me but I really don't know what the right thing is. Do I call my credit card company and tell them that I will take the responsibility for the charges and let him pay the bill or do I let them pursue the charges against him? All of my friends seem to think that I should let them pursue the charges against him, but I need to figure out what is right for me and what I think is the right thing. I always seem to second guess myself and I never get anywhere because of that. I need to start doing the things I think are right and then just stick with them whatever the consequences are. With that, I think that I am telling myself, I let him use my card, I knew he had my card and I trusted him. So why am I not trusting him now? I realize that the relationship I had with him is gone. But I think I have to trust that he will pay me back. So, I think I have made a plan for now. I will call and talk to my credit card company and see what my options are in all of this. Then I will make a decision that is based on the things I know. I will write again when I decide.

Not understanding

Why is it that I can't get him out of my head. I hate this feeling. I catch myself thinking that I somehow wish I was pregnant with his kid. ARGH!!!! I don't know what that would solve, I'm sure that it would just make things worse between us. This is why I hate relationships. I want so bad to have that loving feeling back. I want to be in his arms, I loved everything about that. In fact to be honest I loved everything about him except the fact that he was not very open or honest with me about the money. Why does money have to be a factor? If I were rich then I would have absolutely no cares about money. Like I've said before I really don't care all that much about money, for me it's a necessity of life and if I didn't have to have it I wouldn't. I just wish I had enough to share with everyone and then I'd be perfectly happy. So, I talked to J today. He says he's moving on. He apparently moved from the apartment he was living in before. I don't know exactly what he meant by moving on. I don't know what is going inside my head. Has anyone ever been able to tell the difference between what you head is saying and what your heart is saying??? If you have, please teach me because I have absolutely no idea. I just want to be able to find someone that I can be truly and blissfully happy with. One of the mother's at Cheyenne's dance class brought her husband in to watch their daughter dance the last couple of weeks, they were so cute together. I'm sure they've been married for quite a few years now and they were so playful together and kissing and just acting as if they were newlyweds. That is what I want. To have that unconditional love and happiness. I know that everything can't be perfect and there will be times when there are arguments and I'm perfectly fine with that. I feel like I always totally get the shaft when it comes to relationships? Why can Derrick move in with someone and get married almost immediately after our divorce and seem to be totally happy and yet I take my time and look for someone that I know I can spend the rest of my life with and I can barely get a date. I've been out with what 4 guys since I got divorced and that has only been in the last 6 months. I just don't understand why men can't relate to me romantically. Someone help me out here. Brian asked on his blog today for help in finding his faults. I think that's a great idea because I truly don't understand where I'm going wrong. I know I have faults but pinpointing them is something I've been having quite the time doing. So for all of you out there that know me, drop me a message and let me know.

Sigh of relief

Finally! I finally started my cycle, what a relief. (Big sigh of relief) You know I really want another baby but I just can't right now. I really want to be married before I have another baby and especially with the things going on with J and I right now that probably would not be a good situation at all. I just don't know what to do right now. I hate being in this situation, I hate the fact that J hates me. I just don't want to do this anymore, if I could rewind time I would. This is probably the worst situation I've ever put myself in.

Argh....

So I feel like crud today. My kids have been sick and Charlie has had pneumonia for a couple of weeks now, so I don't know who I got it from I just know my head feels like there are a thousand elephants cramming themselves inside...LOL So I don't know what I'm going to do about J I talked to him online on Monday and we seemed to be being civil or at least I thought anyway. I asked him if he could agree to make a plan with me to take care of all of the debt and I would call my credit card company. He never answered. So I asked again on Tuesday when I got him to talk to me a bit and again he didn't answer. Now he won't talk to me at all. I just don't understand him at all. Then there's Jared he was supposed to come over on Saturday night for dinner and low and behold he canceled again. This is not a big change, over the 5 or 6 months that I have known him we have probably made plans about 6 or 7 times and only once has he actually shown up. He does manage to let me know ahead of time and doesn't just not show up. I just don't get him at all, I know he is scared of getting hurt and of him hurting me, we have talked about this several times. I'm afraid but I'm willing to take the chance. He just doesn't seem to be willing. We are both very attracted to each other and came very close to having sex together the 1 time we have actually gone out. Both of us have expressed the fact that we do not want sex to be an early factor in our relationship because it is hard to build on that. We both keep saying how much we want to be friends first. Only problem is that if we don't see each other more how can we be better friends? I feel like I know him pretty well and I can tell when he is avoiding subjects. I just feel like I've known him forever and I am very at ease with him. I want more with him. But trying to get it has been a huge challenge. He is an amazing guy. I just don't know where to go from here.
Scared myself a bit yesterday. I haven't started my cycle yet! I'm only like 2 days late but it's really freaking me out. I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative but now I'm worried I did it too early. Hopefully I will start soon so I can stop freaking out. You know I really want another baby but this is not really the time. Ideally I want to be married again and have been married for at least a year before getting pregnant. If somehow it turns out I am I will definitely keep the baby and we would just have to see how J feels about being part of the baby's life. I really don't think that I am and I'm sure I'm freaking out for nothing but I seem to remember having the same thoughts when I was pregnant the last 2 times. Hopefully that's not a sign. Anyway, I'll write again soon.

Dazed and Confused

I am so lost these days. I just can't figure out how I should feel and how I really do feel. Everything is all jumbled up in my head. I am a very trusting and caring type of person, maybe that's a bad thing but I really can't be anything else. I know that J has done some things that no one should ever do and I know that he took advantage of having my card. However, I don't in any way believe that he purposely was out to do that to me. I don't think he really meant to hurt me in any way. In fact I'm not really sure he realized how much money he was spending. I already know that he is not the greatest with finances or he wouldn't have needed any of this anyway. I also know that I really do not want to hassle with anything legal I would almost rather be out all that money than to deal with the legal issues. I do believe that he will pay me and I want to work out a plan for him to make all of the credit card payments so that everything can be taken care of civilly. I don't want to get him in more trouble. I still have strong feelings for him. I want to be able to talk to him face to face and work everything out so we can take care of this. I don't really know if I want a relationship with him now or not but I hope that we may be able to at least work things out enough that we can talk to each other and not feel like we hate each other. I don't hate him and I have already forgiven him and I hope that he will forgive me for some of the things that I said to him. We did talk a bit today online and I think we were able to be honest with each other. That's the biggest thing to me. If I had known more of what was going on and the things he was paying off and all of that then it wouldn't have been such an issue because I would have trusted more in the fact that he would pay off the debt. He has opened up so much more with me in the last week than I think he ever did in the month we were dating. I just want to see what we can do without involving legal issues. If he can make a commitment to me and rework the contract that we signed then I will call my credit card company and tell them that we will be paying off the debt rather than putting it through all the fraud stuff.

Thoughts

Why is it that even when someone does something to you that makes you so incredibly mad but you can still have strong feelings for them? I don't really understand it but I just keep thinking "did I do the right thing?" In a situation like this I'm not entirely sure that there is ONE right thing. A part of me still wants to trust him and take back everything but I know that can't happen. I just want to not have lent him all that money and have been able to see where the relationship may have gone without any of that. I am making dinner for Jared tomorrow night and we're going to watch movies at my place. I don't know where this might go, we have agreed to be friends and just see what happens from there. I am extremely attracted to him because he is so down to earth and easy to talk to. He knows about everything that has happened with J. I feel like I've known him for years and I have no trust issues what so ever with him. He is already an amazing friend but I am extremely scared to start anything more with him for fear he will either end up back with Amy or that he will get scared and not want to move forward. We have been out once before. This was about 2 months ago now. It took me about 4 months to get him to go out with me the first time. I had an amazing time, we talked so much. He said he had a good time as well but I couldn't get him to go out again up until I was already seeing J so I couldn't really go out again at that time. Now that J is out of the picture Jared has agreed to go out again which is great, I really want to see more of him and really get to know him better. I'm just really afraid of being hurt again and I know he doesn't want to hurt me and would never do so intentionally. I already know that he is scared of getting involved too for the same reasons. Really though if you think about it you have to get hurt sometimes in order to find real love. So I am going to press on and see what happens, I hope to find so much more about him that I love.

Pit of Despair.....

I don't know if I'm falling in to a pit of despair or if I'm jumping. I feel like I want to just jump in and curl up and ignore the world, it might be safer there. So, Monday I did end up going to Pocatello with my 4 "bodyguards" Brian (head bodyguard), Rob (aka Tank), Charlie (aka backup) and Richard (aka mouth). J couldn't "see me" so he took my card, key and a signed contract to the Public Safety office at ISU where I picked them up. Brian was a little pissed to find out how much J really owes me. Pissed is just to say the least.
So, this morning I returned a call from my credit card company from last night. I decided to look at my statement online before I called. In doing so I found nearly another $1,000 in charges on my account! My account also showed that my available amount was -$647. I asked the credit card agent why it showed that when my balance wasn't as much as my limit, she said it was because there were several transactions that were pending approval. I couldn't believe it! Most of them had been declined due to a wrong pin being entered. I don't understand how someone who says they love you can do something like this to you. I'm not even sure I can believe in love anymore. I wouldn't be able to pay my credit card bill if I had to with those kinds of charges on it. Luckily my limit is only $6,700. Now, keep in mind that I use my credit card very seldom and I think the most I've probably ever put on it until now is about $1,000. I am a very frugal person and I don't spend money I don't have, what I did put on there I was going to pay with my tax returns which I have now lent all of to J. The lady at the credit card company told me that I would have to be willing to press charges in order to dispute any of the transactions that I didn't authorize. I decided that I would like to try and resolve the situation without going to that extent first. So, being pissed as I was about finding these new charges I had to get to work as I was already late. You know when you are thinking about something so deeply that you really don't pay attention to how fast you are driving? Well, that was me today and just my luck a cop happened to be radaring on my work route today. He clocked me at 52 mph in a 35 mph zone and to top it off I didn't have my most recent proof of insurance in my van. So, not only did I get a $53 speeding ticket but I also got a $107 proof of insurance fine added to it. Luckily I can get that part taken off by going to the court house with my proof of insurance. Do you think my day could get any worse? Well, it did........
So, after I get to work I call J and leave him a message to call me ASAP to talk about my credit card. A few hours later he calls back. I told him that I found another $1,000 on my statement and that since he didn't tell me about so many of these charges that he was to pay his entire debt including the new $1,000 in full by Monday or I would be taking action for the unauthorized charges on my credit card. He proceeded to be completely unreasonable and yell at me and he even had the nerve to tell me the only reason I was mad was because he didn't want to be with me anymore! I couldn't believe he said that, as if I want to be with someone who could do something like this to me. I think not! He kept telling me that I was screwed because I signed the contract that didn't include that extra $1,000 on it. I don't think that will matter since at the time the contract was signed those charges were not on my statement and I couldn't have known about them unless he told me. I finally had it with the way he was treating me on phone including calling me a bitch and hanging up on me about a hundred times! So, I called the credit card company back and told them I was willing to press charges. They canceled my account for fraud and I told them all of the charges that I had not authorized which were at least 85% of the transactions on my bill. They will be doing a full fraud investigation on it. I really just don't get how someone could do something like this? How can someone not have a conscience? Doesn't everyone have that little angel sitting on their shoulder saying "You know you shouldn't do that"? I am just at a loss. He still swears that he was and is going to pay me back and he did admit that he took advantage of having my credit card. I hope and pray to god that he will.

I'm Done!

I am done. Here it is 5:30 and he still hasn't shown up, he called about 2:00 to say that he ended up having to go to American Falls anyway but that he would be here as soon as he was done. I've called several times now and received no answer and I've left 2 messages for him to call me as soon as he got the message. I decided to check my credit card statement again today and to my amazment (I'm not exactly sure why) close to another $1000 was added. I am absolutely done now. He doesn't get anymore chances. I am going to report the card stolen and advice that none of those purchases were authorized. I just cannot take anymore of this.

At a loss.....

I am at such a loss. I took 5 hours off work today because when I talked to J last night he still needed me to take him to American Falls for court for his night in jail due to his license. So I got off work this morning and was headed to my house to get his address and called him on the way there so I could leave him a message for when he got out of class to call me and give me directions to his place. He answered the phone and got all pissy with me because he was in class and he got everything taken care of with the whole court thing this morning. I said well it would have been nice if you had called me to let me know it was taken care of because I took most of the day off work to take you. Then he said well you can just keep working then. I said, I already left. I got off the phone with him because he had to get back to class. After sitting and thinking a bit I just decided I would call his home number and leave a message letting him know that I would be there at 2:00 when he got done with class to pick up my credit card and have him sign a contract stating he would have the money paid back to me in full in 6 months. He answered the phone when I called there. So, I told him that I wasn't sure that I wanted to further our relationship and I asked how he felt about it. He said he still wanted to be with me. I told him he had a funny way of showing it. He asked when I would be home from work and I told him I wasn't going back to work today. He said he was on his way up here now. So, we'll see what happens. I'll keep my page updated as the story evolves.......

The Jizr Was Here!

On behalf of the blog owner, The Jizr has made some much needed improvements! I hope it is very aesthetic. Happy reading!

Questions.....

All I have right now is questions. Brian helped me last night in figuring out that yes I am totally insecure. What real things has J done to make me not trust him? Nothing really. I am basing my trust on the fact that I haven't seen him for a week. But when I really look at it. He was gone for a week to Texas and when he got back he spent the entire next week with me. Didn't really hang out with any of his friends or anything. Now he has just wanted to spend a week with his friends. Yes, I am jealous. I guess I do want him to spend most of his free time with me. Part of me just really wants the companionship and the other part feels like he "owes" me time because of the money I loaned him. I know the part that feels like he owes me is wrong. I should want to be with him just for the companionship. That's what a relationship is all about, having someone to share all of your life experiences with. That's the thing I hate about money. Really I couldn't give a shit about the money, if I didn't have to have it, I wouldn't, it only causes problems.
J called me at 3am this morning, we both said we were sorry. He told me that he will pay me back and that he really does love me and that by the grace of god I came in to his life and was willing to help him. He still says that he will be here today. I think my stance right now is just to proceed with caution because there have been other red flags that have come up, namely just that he would ask me to help him with money this soon in to our relationship. I think I will draw up a contract and make him sign it, with a plan of how much and when he will pay me back. I know that doesn't sound very trusting but I feel like it just has to be done to protect myself just in case. Look at it like a prenup, they are between two people that love each other enough to get married and they still draw up some protection. Hopefully I will see him today and get to spend a fair amount of time with him.

HELP!!!!!

I am at my wits end right now. J won't even let me finish a sentence. He just keeps telling me that I am being insecure and that he is going to pay me back all the money he has borrowed. I told him I want to know what the plan is to pay me back since I don't even have enough to pay my own bills right now. He's so mad that he won't even talk to me about it. Says he doesn't want to discuss it over the phone or in front of his friends and that I am ruining his night. Right now I really don't give a shit if I ruin his night, he's already ruined mine. I just don't even know how to think this through. Yes, I totally see his point in the fact that yeah maybe I am a little insecure and yeah I was a little upset by the fact that I haven't seen him all week but most of that was because he said he was going to see me and then never showed up. Now he promises that he will be here tomorrow so we can talk about everything. I guess we'll see. There's not much else I can do at this point. God he is really pissing me off. He is being so selfish right now it's not even funny. Ok, well he could probably say the same about me. He says he is taking risks too because he knows that if I really wanted to I could call my credit card company and tell them my card was stolen and have him arrested. I guess that's true, if he doesn't come up here tomorrow I probably will do that. I just can't take the risk anymore. I have to think about my family first. I want so bad to believe that everything will be fine but I need something to reassure me of that and so far J isn't even trying to do something to reassure me. Everything is about me being insecure and he won't even consider anything else. God I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear to the world. I don't want to have to deal with any of this shit anymore. Luckily I have some great friends to get me through this. I had to have Laura tell Laurellee because I was so afraid to tell her because I knew she would be pissed that I let him borrow money from me. I still can't believe myself how much I let him borrow. I am so stupid sometimes I just want to kick my own ass. She was mad at first and then she let herself calm down and she called me. She made some very good points. Brian is always my logical voice, he says "step outside of the situation." So, how is it that you do that? I really don't know how to take myself out of a picture. I can always seem to put myself in one but have no idea how to take myself out. I am so naive when it comes to relationships. I really don't have enough experience to be able to figure out what is real and what isn't and how to distinguish between my feelings. I figure at least I can admit that fact. Maybe J just can't deal with someone like me. I have been hurt badly and I just have a hard time being secure. Sometimes you can try with everything you have but you have to have something to hold on to in order to stay afloat. Just throw me a line please. Maybe I'm really not ready to date again. I feel like I've jumped in feet first just like I should but I just don't have that line being there to hold on to if I need it I just can't seem to swim.

Rock Bottom?

How do you know when you have hit bottom? It seems that since I have been with J he has had nothing but problems......now I don't know that this all started with me or if it's just because I didn't know him before. He is currently on probation for a bar fight he got in to last spring but it is not felony probation so he has less restrictions. However, he seems to have pretty shitty luck. He's been pulled over numerous times since we have been going out. Each time he's been ticketed for not having a valid drivers license. He still has his Texas license but is supposed to have an Idaho license by now. Last night he was on his way to see me and got pulled over again and this time they arrested him because of his license. His grandma got deathly ill a week in to our relationship and he had to go to Texas for a week. He had $500 some odd dollars stolen out of his bank account and his bank won't do anything for 6-8 weeks. So how do you know when to cut the cord. I'm a person who has never been in trouble with the law and never want to, most I've ever had is one speeding ticket. Sometimes I wonder whether it's worth it or not.....whether it's just luck or him. I hate second guessing my feelings and things that people say to me......I hate not knowing whether I can trust them or not. I always get screwed when I give people the benefit of the doubt. If I ever get the chance to see him again (since I haven't seen him all week) I guess I'm going to have to sit down with him and try to figure this all out.

What is love really?

This seems to be a recurring question. I don't really know if you can describe it and how do you really know if you're "In Love"? There is a difference between loving someone and being "In Love" with someone. Like, I know I love my parents and my kids and my friends and yes even my ex-husband, but I do not really know if I was ever really "In Love" with my ex-husband. When you spend that much time with a person and they are the father of your children you don't really have a choice. I find myself knowing that I am definitely "In Lust" with "J" but I just can't really say if I am "In Love". But really what is the difference? Does anyone really know? If you do, please clue me in. I know that I want to be with him and want to be able to share every part of my life with him and want him to share every part of his life with me but is that all there is to it or is there more? Sometimes I think I really want to spend every waking moment with him but it's only been a month, is that too soon? But then again, life is short why waste time? But am I wasting time? These are all questions that I ponder continually. I'm not saying that I want to jump in to a marriage because I'm way far off from that. I almost wonder though why not live together. We already have sex so that's no change. Why not start that part of the relationship so we can decide whether or not we can really stand each other that much. Some people say that is a big step but I really wonder whether it is or not. Again, I think, life is short, if you don't waste time and just get past all of the middle stuff then you can know "do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" and if not then you can cut it out quicker and move on.