HELP!!!!!

I am at my wits end right now. J won't even let me finish a sentence. He just keeps telling me that I am being insecure and that he is going to pay me back all the money he has borrowed. I told him I want to know what the plan is to pay me back since I don't even have enough to pay my own bills right now. He's so mad that he won't even talk to me about it. Says he doesn't want to discuss it over the phone or in front of his friends and that I am ruining his night. Right now I really don't give a shit if I ruin his night, he's already ruined mine. I just don't even know how to think this through. Yes, I totally see his point in the fact that yeah maybe I am a little insecure and yeah I was a little upset by the fact that I haven't seen him all week but most of that was because he said he was going to see me and then never showed up. Now he promises that he will be here tomorrow so we can talk about everything. I guess we'll see. There's not much else I can do at this point. God he is really pissing me off. He is being so selfish right now it's not even funny. Ok, well he could probably say the same about me. He says he is taking risks too because he knows that if I really wanted to I could call my credit card company and tell them my card was stolen and have him arrested. I guess that's true, if he doesn't come up here tomorrow I probably will do that. I just can't take the risk anymore. I have to think about my family first. I want so bad to believe that everything will be fine but I need something to reassure me of that and so far J isn't even trying to do something to reassure me. Everything is about me being insecure and he won't even consider anything else. God I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear to the world. I don't want to have to deal with any of this shit anymore. Luckily I have some great friends to get me through this. I had to have Laura tell Laurellee because I was so afraid to tell her because I knew she would be pissed that I let him borrow money from me. I still can't believe myself how much I let him borrow. I am so stupid sometimes I just want to kick my own ass. She was mad at first and then she let herself calm down and she called me. She made some very good points. Brian is always my logical voice, he says "step outside of the situation." So, how is it that you do that? I really don't know how to take myself out of a picture. I can always seem to put myself in one but have no idea how to take myself out. I am so naive when it comes to relationships. I really don't have enough experience to be able to figure out what is real and what isn't and how to distinguish between my feelings. I figure at least I can admit that fact. Maybe J just can't deal with someone like me. I have been hurt badly and I just have a hard time being secure. Sometimes you can try with everything you have but you have to have something to hold on to in order to stay afloat. Just throw me a line please. Maybe I'm really not ready to date again. I feel like I've jumped in feet first just like I should but I just don't have that line being there to hold on to if I need it I just can't seem to swim.