Growing

Well, as I've said before in this past few weeks, I am still in search of finding out what love is. Sometimes I really think you can be in love and not know it. Now, this doesn't mean that you are in complete love where you love someone so deeply and truly that it hurts. I am definitely still in search of that. I don't think that kind of love is something that comes about right away, I think that kind of love comes from loving someone and letting that love grow in to more. After pondering this for awhile and doing as much sole searching as I have in the past several weeks I think that I do love J. Again this is not the truly, madly, deeply in love. I hope it can grow in to that but we are far from that place. I still know that I must take care of the financial side of our relationship first. If we can't get past that then we will never be able to go anywhere else. When I talked to him today it was so nice to hear him laughing and having fun, I could hear the "smile" in his voice. LOL That's what I want, I want to always be able to hear that from him when I talk to him. There is so much that I want from him and for him to get from me. I am again considering asking him to move in with me. This would make things easier for the financial side of things and hopefully would be better for our overall relationship. I haven't told Laurellee about any of this yet. I am trying to find the right words and the way to explain to her that I don't want her to criticize I just need her to support me and if she has concerns then she can express those to me but I also want to hear valid reasons for her concerns. In the end I am my own person and I have to make my own decisions and live with them. Of course I want my friends input because I value all of my friends opinions but I will no longer allow myself to only listen to other people and not to my own heart and head. I have for too long let that happen and I can no longer do that. I have decided to take control of my life and this is one of the first steps in doing that. I have made one move to go back to school and for me that was a big one. I am going to need all the help I can get on that one. My next big move is to really start searching for the love of my life. If J isn't it then that is fine but I have to explore this and figure it out. If anything I already know that I have grown as a person due to the relationship I have already had with him. I can only be made a better person at this point because I am not going to stop growing. I will never again be in standing in stagnant water. I may have to pause here and there to catch my breath but it will never again be for long.