Argh....

So I feel like crud today. My kids have been sick and Charlie has had pneumonia for a couple of weeks now, so I don't know who I got it from I just know my head feels like there are a thousand elephants cramming themselves inside...LOL So I don't know what I'm going to do about J I talked to him online on Monday and we seemed to be being civil or at least I thought anyway. I asked him if he could agree to make a plan with me to take care of all of the debt and I would call my credit card company. He never answered. So I asked again on Tuesday when I got him to talk to me a bit and again he didn't answer. Now he won't talk to me at all. I just don't understand him at all. Then there's Jared he was supposed to come over on Saturday night for dinner and low and behold he canceled again. This is not a big change, over the 5 or 6 months that I have known him we have probably made plans about 6 or 7 times and only once has he actually shown up. He does manage to let me know ahead of time and doesn't just not show up. I just don't get him at all, I know he is scared of getting hurt and of him hurting me, we have talked about this several times. I'm afraid but I'm willing to take the chance. He just doesn't seem to be willing. We are both very attracted to each other and came very close to having sex together the 1 time we have actually gone out. Both of us have expressed the fact that we do not want sex to be an early factor in our relationship because it is hard to build on that. We both keep saying how much we want to be friends first. Only problem is that if we don't see each other more how can we be better friends? I feel like I know him pretty well and I can tell when he is avoiding subjects. I just feel like I've known him forever and I am very at ease with him. I want more with him. But trying to get it has been a huge challenge. He is an amazing guy. I just don't know where to go from here.
Scared myself a bit yesterday. I haven't started my cycle yet! I'm only like 2 days late but it's really freaking me out. I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative but now I'm worried I did it too early. Hopefully I will start soon so I can stop freaking out. You know I really want another baby but this is not really the time. Ideally I want to be married again and have been married for at least a year before getting pregnant. If somehow it turns out I am I will definitely keep the baby and we would just have to see how J feels about being part of the baby's life. I really don't think that I am and I'm sure I'm freaking out for nothing but I seem to remember having the same thoughts when I was pregnant the last 2 times. Hopefully that's not a sign. Anyway, I'll write again soon.