Another year gone by

Well, it's my birthday. Another year gone by. So let's take a moment to review the last year of my life. Turned 25 one year ago today, it was a Wednesday, no real major events at that point, just doing what I'd been doing for more than a year before. However, if I rewind about a week before that, I had a major epiphany when I went to the 4 day dog show in Utah that year, I realized I had a major anxiety problem when I went to go in the ring to show my dog and I freaked out and couldn't even think straight. At that time I had been showing dogs for 16 years, I've never had a problem like that before, I seriously made a total fool of myself and the next day I made my sister show my dog because I couldn't do it. It was a very sad day. I wanted so badly for her to show my dog the next day too but she couldn't because we had a ring conflict. I did manage to force myself to do it but it was extremely hard. I knew then that I had a real problem. I talked to my mom about it a bit and finally decided to talk to my doctor about it. He referred me to counseling. That in itself almost made me have another panic attack. I have been having a hard time doing new things without having someone with me. I did it though, at first she wasn't really sure I needed any medication but after about 4 or 5 sessions she decided to put me on something very mild. My doctor put me on a new drug which has actually helped, I have noticed a difference. I started a journal and now I'm blogging so that has helped me a lot too. I haven't had to see her for about 6 months now. It was nice to be able to talk to her even though I think mostly she just sat there and I talked and ended up solving most of my own problems. Sometimes it's just nice to think out loud a bit and you can take care of your own crap. So anyway, that whole process started me down a new road. I believe that we make our own fate, it is not a straight forward thing where what happens will happen whether we want it to or not, we choose which roads we take and those roads take us to new intersections where we have to decide what the next best path is going to be, every choice we make in our lives takes us down a new road. For me this new road has not been as smooth as I had hoped, I finally started dating again in September of last year, my first date was a total disaster except for the fact that I had a total blast with my friends that went. The next guy I thought was going to be a good possibility. He turned out to be a total tard. Went to Colorado for work when I was still trying to figure things out with him. Almost had a total breakdown there. I was completely burnt out at work and then I was away from my best friends and family and especially my mom who is my best friend and my kids. This was extremely trying on me. I think it was like the last 2 or 3 days that I was there when I started talking to Brian a lot more, we had been talking here and there but not much since he had just come back to work at CP about the time I left for Colorado. At the time I was just enjoying my long ass freaking talks with him....okay 4 hours talking on a cell phone starting at 1 in the morning is freaking insane! He seemed to make everything better, although at the time I was actually thinking I really wanted romantic things to begin with one of my other good friends at work, B I'll call him. I have thought he was very attractive from the first day I met him when I became a trainer. Cute, funny, straight forward and honest. All things that I think are totally awesome. So, I came back from Colorado and was still totally burnt with it. Couldn't seem to really take any time off, I was supposed to get the entire week off when I came back but that didn't end up happening and then my boss goes and tells me he's not giving me the 6 comp days he promised me when I left for Colorado because "he shouldn't have offered them to me in the first place" WTF! On the romantic front I was very interested in this guy Jared that I met online, turned out he grew up living next door to my ex and his family knows my ex's grandparents very well. Crazy! He has totally flaked out on me numerous times and just couldn't get his head on straight. That's when I ended up with Jamaal, what a mistake that was! Holy shit! I still can't believe how freaking stupid I was, I honestly think I just lost my head somewhere and couldn't find it. Well, that is definitely one mistake that will never happen again. And now I have the one that I truly love. It's funny because honestly I don't think Brian and I would be where we are if all the stupid shit with Jamaal hadn't happened. Apparently there really is a silver lining to every cloud. I honestly wish I could put in to words how I truly feel about Brian. I have as of yet not been able to find the right word or words to describe it. At some points I truly feel like I am going to burst with the love I feel. I will do everything in my power to not screw this one up. I've been sitting here for nearly an hour now, typing for what seems like forever. He is sick today, flu, I think. Poor thing, he is so cute when he is sick. Even as he sleeps now, feeling sick, I just want to curl up with him and lay on his chest. I love the sound of his heartbeat. Well, gotta stop typing as my hands are starting to kill me and gotta go pick up the kids.