I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

This is so true, I completely love my life right now, even with all the things that suck in it, I still love it, I truly don't think I would change anything that has happened to me even if I could, I believe that it has shaped me into the person I am today and has made me able to love Brian and allow him to love me. So we were talking again this weekend about things in our past, childhood and such things, it's so funny because our lives seem so parallel. So, I talked to my school advisor on Friday, looks like it is going to take me about 3 years to complete my pre pharmacy courses. I also asked her about completing those courses in Boise, she said that would be no problem, that I can actually do them at BSU. I am really excited because I think that makes our choice to move to Boise pretty final. Now we need to get the house ready to sell and find jobs and register for school and such, so I think we're looking at a minimum of 4 months before we can go.
I sat and watched him last night as he was deep in thought, he is so amazing, I just hope that I could comfort him. I love the way he cares so much about his family and wants to take care of them and protect them. I hope I was some comfort to him. I love to just sit and watch him, it just makes me smile. He is so amazing, I still just can't seem to get over that. Maybe when we've been together for 10 years I'll have gotten over it, but right now I just can't see that happening. It's so weird to feel like that, everyday, every time I look at him. I still have a hard time believing it's true. I remember when we first met and he was in my class. I thought he was so cute and funny and I really wanted him to ask me out but I honestly never thought that would happen. I feel like every day when I wake up with him next to me I have to pinch myself just as a reminder that I'm not dreaming.
Kids are so funny. My kids love Brian, he is always doing all kinds of things for them that they love, but he also doesn't let them get away with doing things they aren't supposed to do and it seems they tend to remember those times the most. My son asks me last night as I'm tucking him in to bed "when is Brian going to not live with us?" I said well I think he's going to live with us for a very long time. He said that it was ok if he was there all day but that sometimes he had to go home to sleep because he wanted to sleep with me sometimes too. It was so cute, I asked him if it was hard having to share me and he said "yes." with those cute puppy eyes. LOL!

The conversation

So, Sunday we went to mom & dad's for dinner as usual. I had to ask dad for money in order to pay my bills this month, so of course I had to tell him why. Believe me when I tell you this was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to tell him, probably 2nd to telling him I was pregnant when I was 18. So, he gave me the money I needed after screaming at me and then giving me the lecture of my life (which by the way, he's not done with). Then I went outside to move the carseats and Brian stayed in the house with dad. When we left Brian told me that my dad had a conversation with him while I was outside. Now, a bit about my dad, he is a very closed person, he doesn't share his feelings very often and is not a very sentimental person or anything of that sort, I think he has told me he loved me about 5 times from as far back as I can remember. So Brian tells me that dad told him that he thinks Brian is the best thing that ever happened to me and that he doesn't know what our plans for the future are but that he thinks Brian will make me happy. Can I just say OMG!!!! I totally started to cry when he told me that. Partially because my dad is not the type of person to say things like that but also because it totally validated all of the feelings I have for Brian. Brian totally reminded me the other day how grateful I am to god for bringing him in to my life. He truly is the best thing that has happened to me. He truly completes me and makes me feel whole. I don't think I have ever felt that before. I look forward to a long and fulfilling life as long as he is part of it.

It's Amazing

So this morning I had a training class first thing and guess who I should get teaching the class. Charlie. As we were walking to the conference room for class he asked if I was going, I about fell on the floor! He actually talked to me! I couldn't believe it, so I asked him if he was going to talk to me, he said yes. Then when we had a break during the class I was like the only one back on time so I asked Charlie if he was going to talk to me now, he said a little with this shit eating grin on his face. Is this a good sign? I hope so, I would love to return to our friendship. It has been driving me absolutely crazy with him not talking to me. So I was talking to my sister the other night about her coming here for the Lone Star concert and she informs me that there is one in Boise on 7/1 and it's free! Holy crap! I want to go really bad, so she is going to try to get us tickets. I'm really excited. It totally got Brian and I talking about living in Boise though. Last night we had a serious discussion about moving there and letting him go to school first, by then hopefully all of my program will be offered at the ISU Boise campus, half of it is already offered there. I can even do my pre pharmacy while I am there this year. So, I think we decided to pursue this move. Brian really wants to go and I do too. There is so much more to offer there for things to do and jobs. I'm totally excited about it, I think this is really the first time I've really been this serious about it.

Another year gone by

Well, it's my birthday. Another year gone by. So let's take a moment to review the last year of my life. Turned 25 one year ago today, it was a Wednesday, no real major events at that point, just doing what I'd been doing for more than a year before. However, if I rewind about a week before that, I had a major epiphany when I went to the 4 day dog show in Utah that year, I realized I had a major anxiety problem when I went to go in the ring to show my dog and I freaked out and couldn't even think straight. At that time I had been showing dogs for 16 years, I've never had a problem like that before, I seriously made a total fool of myself and the next day I made my sister show my dog because I couldn't do it. It was a very sad day. I wanted so badly for her to show my dog the next day too but she couldn't because we had a ring conflict. I did manage to force myself to do it but it was extremely hard. I knew then that I had a real problem. I talked to my mom about it a bit and finally decided to talk to my doctor about it. He referred me to counseling. That in itself almost made me have another panic attack. I have been having a hard time doing new things without having someone with me. I did it though, at first she wasn't really sure I needed any medication but after about 4 or 5 sessions she decided to put me on something very mild. My doctor put me on a new drug which has actually helped, I have noticed a difference. I started a journal and now I'm blogging so that has helped me a lot too. I haven't had to see her for about 6 months now. It was nice to be able to talk to her even though I think mostly she just sat there and I talked and ended up solving most of my own problems. Sometimes it's just nice to think out loud a bit and you can take care of your own crap. So anyway, that whole process started me down a new road. I believe that we make our own fate, it is not a straight forward thing where what happens will happen whether we want it to or not, we choose which roads we take and those roads take us to new intersections where we have to decide what the next best path is going to be, every choice we make in our lives takes us down a new road. For me this new road has not been as smooth as I had hoped, I finally started dating again in September of last year, my first date was a total disaster except for the fact that I had a total blast with my friends that went. The next guy I thought was going to be a good possibility. He turned out to be a total tard. Went to Colorado for work when I was still trying to figure things out with him. Almost had a total breakdown there. I was completely burnt out at work and then I was away from my best friends and family and especially my mom who is my best friend and my kids. This was extremely trying on me. I think it was like the last 2 or 3 days that I was there when I started talking to Brian a lot more, we had been talking here and there but not much since he had just come back to work at CP about the time I left for Colorado. At the time I was just enjoying my long ass freaking talks with him....okay 4 hours talking on a cell phone starting at 1 in the morning is freaking insane! He seemed to make everything better, although at the time I was actually thinking I really wanted romantic things to begin with one of my other good friends at work, B I'll call him. I have thought he was very attractive from the first day I met him when I became a trainer. Cute, funny, straight forward and honest. All things that I think are totally awesome. So, I came back from Colorado and was still totally burnt with it. Couldn't seem to really take any time off, I was supposed to get the entire week off when I came back but that didn't end up happening and then my boss goes and tells me he's not giving me the 6 comp days he promised me when I left for Colorado because "he shouldn't have offered them to me in the first place" WTF! On the romantic front I was very interested in this guy Jared that I met online, turned out he grew up living next door to my ex and his family knows my ex's grandparents very well. Crazy! He has totally flaked out on me numerous times and just couldn't get his head on straight. That's when I ended up with Jamaal, what a mistake that was! Holy shit! I still can't believe how freaking stupid I was, I honestly think I just lost my head somewhere and couldn't find it. Well, that is definitely one mistake that will never happen again. And now I have the one that I truly love. It's funny because honestly I don't think Brian and I would be where we are if all the stupid shit with Jamaal hadn't happened. Apparently there really is a silver lining to every cloud. I honestly wish I could put in to words how I truly feel about Brian. I have as of yet not been able to find the right word or words to describe it. At some points I truly feel like I am going to burst with the love I feel. I will do everything in my power to not screw this one up. I've been sitting here for nearly an hour now, typing for what seems like forever. He is sick today, flu, I think. Poor thing, he is so cute when he is sick. Even as he sleeps now, feeling sick, I just want to curl up with him and lay on his chest. I love the sound of his heartbeat. Well, gotta stop typing as my hands are starting to kill me and gotta go pick up the kids.

A long time...

So I have to say it's been a really really long time since I've had anything shut off for non-payment, but low and behold when we get home tonight we have a shut off notice from the cable company. Not that we have been watching much TV at all lately but I like to be able to sit down and watch it when I want to. I hate even the thought that I had something turned off for non-payment, I have been able to avoid that for more than 5 years. I don't want to be in this situation. I hate the fact that I have to rely on someone else to help support me. I am a very independent person and I'm not feeling very independent right now. I still haven't contacted a lawyer but really need to do so soon. I tend to procrastinate things that I don't want to deal with and this is one of those things. I did finally make an appointment with my advisor for school finally. I have an appointment next Friday to meet with her and figure out my schedule and get registered and hopefully she can help me get some more grants and scholarships. That's the other thing I am worried about since right now I have only been given one pell grant for $1200 and that's it. I don't think that even covers my tuition and books, let alone enough to cover all of my living expenses. Luckily I should have no problem qualifying for ICCP now because I finally got to move accounts at work. I lost another $.50 but now I can get merit increases rather than never getting any incentive. I know I will be happier in this account too because I have an awesome boss that will totally back me up on everything. Doesn't hurt that he is pretty much family too...LOL! Speaking of that, it seems my family has become extremely protective of me since my divorce. They don't want me to get hurt again. They all keep asking me about Brian and then apparently my aunt was asking my boss all kinds of questions about him but he doesn't know him since he's not in his account. So he had to ask me about him and told me he would be interrogating him soon. LOL! It's so funny because I guess I never really noticed or realized how much my family really cares about me. It's really nice to know that they are there. We went to visit grandma on Sunday for mother's day and had a nice chat. My uncle Mark was there too. It was kind of funny because I left the keys in the house when we went to leave so I went back in to get them and grandma and Mark were talking about Brian and grandma had to ask what his last name was, I told him and she says, "Is that Spanish?" My uncle looked like he was going to fall over laughing and says, "No, it's Japanese!" I had to laugh that my uncle would react that way. Then he wanted to know if his family was from around here to which I responded yes. He said he knows someone in his family but he can't remember who or where from, he just knows that he recognizes the name and Brian. I thought it was insanely funny because it's such a small world. Honestly it's pretty crazy.
It's odd that when you feel like you love someone so much that you could just burst that then you begin to feel that love grow more. One of my friends told me today that I had better still be careful so I don't get hurt. She said because she felt that way about someone and then 6 mos later he just left. That does scare me when I think of the fact that this is something that could happen. But I also don't want to let myself think that it is even a possibility. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him in my life. I told her that I really wasn't worried about something like that happening because I have known him for so long and we know each other so well. Obviously, there are things we still need to learn about each other because I think that is something that happens for a long time but I feel that I know enough that I don't have to worry about it. I know that he still amazes me. One thing I realized today though is that I have never really truly seen him mad. Nor has he seen me really mad. He has seen me very upset but I have not even seen that from him. It's kind of weird because I kind of have this picture in my head of him that he can't get really mad or upset. Although I know that isn't true, it just almost seems that way since I have never seen it. Well, gonna go have some dinner. I'll probably add later.

The day before you

I don't know what it is but I just can't stop hearing that song in my head. You know usually when you get a song stuck in your head it tends to drive you crazy even if you like the song. This one doesn't, I just want to hear it more. I might drive Brian crazy if I were to play it over and over again like I want to so I just play it over again in my head. It really hit me today that I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. This is a scary revelation for me. I think I have known this since I knew I loved him but it never really hit me like it did today. Then to add to that he asks me at lunch what our wedding colors are going to be? WTF! LOL! I almost died. The thing that I think scares me so much is how fast everything is going. I told myself when I started dating again that I would have to be dating a guy exclusively for at least a year before I would even consider marriage but here I am, a month and a half in to it and I know without a doubt that I want to marry him. OMG! Now for those out there who are freaking out, no this does not mean that we are getting married right now. I have no doubt that we will eventually get married but I think there are a lot of things that will have to happen before that does. Of course the big one being him asking me to marry him. LOL! For some reason every time I listen to the first verse of that song I get chills and I can envision our wedding day. This is all totally insane to me. I just cannot fathom the love I have for him and the love he shows me. I just don't understand his love for me or what even attracted him to me in the first place. I have prayed to god so many times and asked him to help me find my true love, little did I know that through all of the heartache he brought Brian to me just at the right time. As has been said before god works in mysterious ways. I completely believe that now. Honestly I think that the lyrics to the song that started this whole thing are so entirely true to my life now.

I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
It makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shapin' my heart for the day that I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you-yeah, yeah

Ok this is so weird, so we were driving to work today and Brian had a CD in of a bunch of songs that he really likes. This song came on I think it's called "I can only imagine". It is a religious song and as we know I am not a very religious person but I do find that I enjoy listening to some songs like this. Anyway, I normally sing along to this particular song because it is awesome, Brian started to sing along and I just couldn't help but stop and listen to him. It's amazing, I loved it, I don't really know why but I just wanted to play the song over again and listen to him more. I am so in love with him it's scary. I almost cried today, I don't know why I just feel overwhelmed with my love for him and I think still scared of it too. He is so amazing. Today he was getting the kids to get ready to leave for daycare and as always it is a fight with them. I love how he helps me with them but at the same time I feel so guilty because they are totally my responsibility and he shouldn't have to help me with them. I want them to like him and respect him and not think that he is mean because he is always trying to help me out with them. If they were a little older they might understand more but I think at this age all they really remember are the things that he does that they think are mean. Even though there are so many things when they are so excited because he did something they loved. With this situation I don't know what to do. I don't have a handle on my children's discipline and am trying to do that and Brian is helping tremendously. I guess I just need to take more control and hopefully they will start to settle in with the changes and things will calm down, they seem to be testing the waters a lot lately.

Whirl wind of hell

I think I'm in a whirl wind of hell with a little piece of heaven in the middle. Literally everything around me is falling apart and seems to keep crumbling farther down, the only thing keeping me afloat is love. Love is a very powerful thing and it does wonders for a person. Yesterday I found out that work is screwing me even more than they have before. They dropped my pay $2/hr rather than the $1/hr that I got for being a trainer. Apparently my original training supervisor that gave me a $1 raise has decided that I don't deserve to keep that raise. So now I am basically making the same amount as a person that started working here last week. I have been here for nearly 3 years now and was on the training team for almost 2 of that and this is how I am treated. It seems that the training admin are the only ones that feel I am not a value to this company but they are the only ones that can do anything at this point. So I talked to our operations manager last night in my mess of tears. I was trying so hard not to get that upset but I just couldn't stop, the well being of my family is at stake and it seems that the training team still has control of it. My ops manager is committed to doing everything he can for me right now. He is going to try to get me out of TLC by next week, then at least I will be in an account where I can get merit increases. I will hopefully be going to ASC which will allow me to put my knowledge to good use and I will have who I consider to be the best manger overall that I have ever seen. I am also applying for state aid since that is absolutely going to be the only way I can make it now. Hopefully they will pay for at least half of my day care costs and hopefully I will also be able to get at least $200 in food stamps. This would be ideal and allow me to have enough to pay for my other bills. I don't know what I am going to do for this month since my last check was so short. I heard from J on Friday, he called to see if we could work things out and get back together?! As if! I don't even think so, even if I wasn't with Brian right now I would not even think about it. He is so lame it is not even funny, I tried to talk to him last night about my money but as soon as he heard that I was seeing someone he hung up on me. So tonight I am going to call him and I will not be so nice. I think once I can get over this hump of terrible things then everything will be ok. Brian assures me we will be fine and I really do believe him. Like I said before he is keeping me afloat. He is my lifesaver. My life would not be the same without him and even though our relationship is very new I know that he is my true love and that cannot change, I have felt this connection with him for so long and it is so nice to finally be able to express my true feelings to him. I love him truly and deeply.