Too good to be true?

Too good to be true? Can it really be? I really hate that feeling because you know how people say when something seems too good to be true it probably is? I just can't see that with us but at the same time I am so afraid that it is. Lately I feel like we are getting in to more of a groove and now that he's back at work with me and we are on the same schedule I'm just totally afraid that he's going to see the real me and decided that he doesn't like it. Not that I haven't been the real me but he sees so much more of me now than he ever has. I really don't doubt my love for him or his love for me I guess I'm just afraid of that changing. I thought I had found love before and I know now that I had not because this is so much more but there is still that nagging sound in my head that I can't get rid of that reminds me of all the things that could go wrong. Like the title of my blog says "Love like you've never been hurt before," I want that so badly and I will continue to strive for that. I just have to get past these humps in the road. He is so wonderful and I never want to lose that, I just want to hold on tight and never let go. But I am also afraid that if I hold on too tight I will smother him. This love is so different for me. I believe that I may have actually found true love, if there really is such a thing. I think I believe in true love but it's hard to say. I guess it's like believing in god. You don't really know for sure but you believe. So I guess I do believe and I think I have found it. I hope I have found it. I hope it continues.

Why does life have to be so complicated. Brian seems to think that my luck has gone to shit since I've been with him. It kind of has but it's nothing to do with him. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Everything else seems to literally be falling apart around me. I have no money, my check was short, I have bills that I am already behind on and have no money in savings to make up for it. I finally told my mom that I got demoted, she took it really well. I still have not had the guts to tell her about all the money I had in savings from my taxes. I have no idea if I will ever see that money again. I have tried to contact J, I sent an e-mail to his school e-mail address but no reply. The only other way I might be able to get a hold of him is through his probation officer. Hopefully I can do that. According to the contract his payment is due May 1st. If I don't see any money from him or hear from him I will be contacting an attorney to see what I can do. I still can't believe how stupid I was. I really hate money. Life is so much harder when you have money issues. I can't stand this feeling. I am so glad that I have Brian to support me through my stupidity. I just want to get past all of this and not have to deal with it anymore. I am trying really hard not to let it affect my mood and the way I act, although I think I am catching myself getting a little moddy now and then because I'm worried about it. I can't not worry so I have to figure out another way to fix this and to compensate differently for the stress. I think I've become a nympho as part of my way of coping, hope that's not a bad thing. LOL!

Life and Love

Life is so crazy right now. It's so insane to be so in love with someone yet have so many other things going on that you can't fully concentrate on the one you love. I hate that. I want to give him all of my attention. I wish I could spend every minute of every day with him. You know usually you still have to have time for yourself and time away from each other but with him I don't. I want to always be with him. It's never uncomfortable being around him. I never feel like I want him to go away or not be around him. I don't foresee that changing anytime soon either. I can see being married to him for the rest of my life. Honestly I think he's the only one I've ever truly felt that way about. I knew very early on with my ex that it wouldn't be forever but I kept kidding myself trying to make it seem different. It wasn't and I let it drag on way too long. I was talking with Brian the other night about us. We both agree that we are glad that it took this long for us to get together since we were both very different people when we first met. We have both grown so much. I still have a lot of changes to make but I have complete faith that we will be able to complete our growth together. I think that our coming together as more than friends has happened at the best time in both of our lives. I totally love almost everything about him. His smoking bothers me a bit but it's really something that everything else about him overrides. It's something I can live with even if he does it the rest of his life. Everything about the way he talks to me and looks at me and touches me and cuddles with me just makes me want him so much more. He asked why he is so wonderful. I have had the same thought about why he thinks I am so wonderful. All I can say is that he is everything I have ever dreamed of in the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He makes me laugh all the time, he is considerate, loving, kind, sexy, he loves family, he loves my kids and my kids love him. He has done more for me than I think I even know. I don't know how else to explain it except that I love him in every sense of the word. I don't know how I ever lived my life without him and he is what I have been waiting for all of my life. I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

The "L" word

I said the "L" word! OMG! I can't believe it but I did. I couldn't help myself I had actually been trying really hard not to say it for about a day or so but I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I really do love him. This is one I truly believe could be forever. I still feel like I'm in a dream world. Everything else in my life is falling apart around me but there he is holding me up. He is my rock. I want to quit my job so bad right now I could just scream. But there is no way I will be able to find another job that will pay me as much as I am getting even with my pay cut. I went through my budget today and I can pretty much pay for my bills and have gas for my car and that's it. I have no money for groceries or anything else. I don't know what I am going to do. I called the credit card company today because I got a letter saying they needed additional information from me. Pretty much I am screwed. They can't do anything for me. They said that because I let him use the card the one time, he becomes an authorized user on my account. WTF! All I have is the contract he signed which is $1000 short of what he really owes me. I'm almost out of money in my savings account too. I tried to call him to find out when I would be receiving a payment and both of his phones are disconnected. I am so totally screwed now it's not even funny. I don't know what I'm going to do now. There is no way I can pay for that credit card bill. I haven't told my parents yet and I am so scared to. I don't know if they will help me now. They have helped me so much in the past and I don't want to ask them for anymore help. I was hoping that when school starts I'll be ok but with this credit card bill that I have now I don't know how I'm going to do it. I can't make it with school and a part time job and still be able to pay for everything. I think I will have to work full time in order to cover it. I am so lost now. Anyway, off to pick up Brian.

Can it be?

So Friday I was removed from the training team at work. This was devastating to me as I have been on the team for nearly 2 years now. My boss told me that this had to do with the fact that I have had a pattern of being late and since I was 5 mins late on Thursday and Friday. I know that this has been an issue for me and I actually had not been late any other day that week. I think there were probably other factors that brought this on as well. I am having a difficult time dealing with this change because it is a loss in pay for me. I decided to go ahead and change accounts today and am starting with one of our new clients. This is a good opportunity for me to get away from Qwest so I can not be so burnt out. This is really the background reason for why I had been late so much. I think that even though this is a huge change for me I will be able to work through it. Once I start school I will be going part time anyway and wouldn't have been able to continue on the team. Hopefully this will end up being a good move for me. I called Brian as soon as this happened. He is so amazing. I am falling completely in love! I can't believe it. I don't understand it but I know it's happening. He was there for me just talking to me and listening to me cry on the phone. Then he met me at my house and was just there to comfort me. I spent the rest of the entire weekend with him. It has been the best weekend I have probably ever had. He is so amazing. He just astounds me with everything he does. He offers to help me with so much and my kids absolutely love him. I got to meet his kids this weekend as well. They are sooooooo cute. All of this is so insane to me. I have never felt this way before. And the way he is with my kids is absolutely wonderful. Everything just seems so much like I'm in the movies. Things like this just don't actually happen! I am still very scared but I think more so because I've never felt like this. It might actually be the real thing? So, one of the Ops managers from the other Qwest group called me and wants me to go to his group instead. He is probably the best boss I could possibly ask for. I am really thinking I should go for it. This would also be a good move because I wouldn't be on the phones. I think that is where I am going to go really. I would rather have him as a boss. Ok, well I think I've babbled on long enough. Hope everyone hasn't gotten too lost in my maze of babble...LOL! Anyway, I'm out.

Too good to be true?

I kind of feel like I'm in a dream right now, now I think a better comparision would be like I'm in a romantic-comedy. It is so strange to me to feel like this. I am really scared because of all the what if's that go through my head but I am also so in awe. I can't believe the way he makes me feel. I have never been with a man that was so generous and caring. He wants to help me out with things, even just little things like helping cook or keeping my kids out of the water...LOL! It's just really nice. I think that's really why I feel like this is all just too good to be true. It's so weird because when we talk we can talk about anything and truly I mean ANYTHING! It's just kind of crazy but when there is silence it's ok, it's not that uncomfortable silence. I love it when he holds my hand, the way he touches me and when he puts his arms around me. It is sooooo nice :D I just can't seem to do anything except ramble on about him. This is totally insane. Everytime I read his blog or hear his voice or get an IM from him I just smile. And holy crap talk about laughing! When I read his blog from last night I about died laughing!!! It was a little stalker-ish...lol...but I'm ok with it. You have no idea how much he was turning me on today...and it was totally driving me crazy. AHHHHH!!!! LOL!!! This is really just so totally new to me, so I am just trying to take it day by day, I really don't want to rush into anything but I almost feel like we are. I know he doesn't want that either but on the other hand I kind of do. Seriously I need to get it together...lol! Anyway, I totally have to stop rambling now. So, I am so excited for tomorrow because I get my new escape! I can't wait, I just want to go driving in it and I hate to drive! LMAO! Well, gotta get the kids to bed, more updates later.

Well I've gotta make this one short because I really have to get to bed tonight. But I did tell him about my secret....it went over better than I expected. I am glad, I was really afraid that it would affect how he felt about me. I am not the perfect person he thought I was, however, he says my secret is something he can get past, this is good news. He came over tonight and helped me make dinner and brought pudding for the kids...:) He is so cute with my kids and they adore him to pieces. He put his arms around me and that felt so good. I can't wait to spend more quality time with him. He held my hand on the way back to his place. It was funny because for me it was just really nice, I have dated since my divorce but he really hasn't so he tells me that it has been an extremely long ass time since he held someone's hand. It was really cute. :D I am just all smiles tonight, even though my kids are driving me crazy...lol Anyway, I'm off to bed, will update again tomorrow or so.

So I've got this friend....

I've got this friend who is lonely
She's afraid she'll never find her one and only
A little shy but she can be fun
If the right guy came along
Would you know someone?

I've got this friend and it sounds crazy
But he's been feeling that way too a whole lot lately
And interested, oh I'm sure he'd be
I can almost speak for him
He's that close to me

Maybe in each other
They might find the lover
They've been missin' until now
They'd trust the judgment of
Two friends like us who care so much
Can we get them together...somehow

I've got this friend
Yeah, I think I know her
My arms can almost feel the way he'd hold her
It's like he's here when you describe him
And if he's anything like you I'm know she'd like him

Maybe in each other
They might find the lover
They've been missin' until now
They'd trust the judgment of
Two friends like us who care so much
Can we get together...I've got this friend

He told me today his deepest darkest secret. I am so glad that he had the courage and trust to tell me. This is something I truly struggle with for myself, I have a secret that I have never told anyone, not a single soul. I feel it is something that I should tell him but I am so afraid of what he will think of me. This is why no one knows, I can't tell anyone. It is something I told myself I would take to my grave...but there is someone else that knows that I did not tell and I am also afraid that somehow, sometime, he may find out and I would feel so horrible if it didn't come from me. I can't stand the thought of either thing happening. But in the end I know it will be better if I tell him and then I can get it off my shoulders. If I was going to tell anyone he would be the one I could tell. I just really don't know how he will react. I know how he feels about things and I just have no idea what his reaction will be with it coming from me. I guess I am telling myself that I have to tell him tonight. Better to do it now then drag it out and risk more.

The Drama that is my life

Oh the drama of my life. These days I just don't know where to begin. So at work on Thursday I had a huge argument with my boss. I asked him for feedback on why I wasn't given an interim promotion. He is a good friend of mine and I wanted honest feedback. Well, he decided we should do it over IM since he didn't want to go anywhere to talk. Anyway, he ended up saying a bunch of stuff that he couldn't or refused to back up. I am very frustrated. Now he won't talk to me at all. I don't know what to do. I do not want this to affect our friendship but it already is. I can't figure out what the deal is. I don't want him to give me preferential treatment at work just because I am his friend but I don't expect to be treated like an idiot especially since he has told me in the past how much he admires me at work. I know I have things to work on just as anyone does. But if he can't give me honest feedback and give me examples of things that I am doing then I cannot change. I am so pissed about the whole situation and now everything is going to be all fucked up at work. I don't want to put my other friends in the middle of everything but I need their advice, I don't want them to pick sides because we are all friends but I just don't know what else to do. I can't keep going through all of this. I am really just thinking about quitting. I don't know how I am going to do that because I don't think I'm going to be able to find another job that will pay me as much and be as flexible with my schedule. I also cannot continue to work in that kind of environment.
So I got a pleasant surprise on Saturday. You know when you watch those movies where the guy and girl are good friends and somehow in the end they end up together and you always dream of something romantic like that happening to you? So, a great friend of mine spent the day with me helping me shop for a car on Friday and then came over and worked on my computer and I made dinner and we watched a movie with the kids. He wrote all about it in his blog the next day and at the end left me a very surprising message that I really didn't think was for me. I asked him who it was actually for and he blew me away by telling me that he has loved me for a long time! I couldn't believe it....I thought he was joking around with me and it took me about 10 or 15 mins to decide that he really wasn't. I still can't believe it, I am in total shock and awe over the whole thing. I liked him as more than a friend a long time ago and thought at first that he felt the same way but then I came to the conclusion that he didn't so I just pushed it out of my mind and let it be. I feel like such an ass now knowing that this whole time he has been totally falling for me and I have been sitting here telling him all about these relationships that I want and have had. I was totally clueless! He is an amazing man and makes me want so badly to make myself better and has made me feel that way for a long time. He pushes me to be more, do to things I know I can do but have never had the courage to do. I can tell him anything and have shared more of myself with him than I have anyone in my life including my parents. I have said for years that I wanted to be married to my best friend and I still believe that.
Just when I feel like things are finally starting to fall in to place in my life and then some part of it falls apart again. It's like a sand castle, you get it where it's almost perfect and along comes a wave that washes half of it out. That's kind of how I feel right now, I'm starting to get my love life more where I want it and down comes the side that has been so stable and has been holding everything else together....my job.

YAY!!!

I am so excited!!!! I had today off and decided I needed to get Brian out of the house. So we went out and decided to go take a look at a Ford Escape that I found. Thank god I took Brian with me...he is really awesome with that kind of shit....so I really liked this '02 Escape, they wanted $19,999 for it! I am about $4,000 in the hole on my van so that totally wasn't working because my payment had to be somewhere around $380/mo! That's more than $100 more than I'm paying now. No way I could do that, so we went in to talk to the financial manager and he got me in to an '05 Escape with only 17,000 mi on it for $327/mo, I couldn't believe it. This is a lease option but turns out to be an outstanding deal! The new one isn't here yet but I get to pick it up on Thursday. I'm so excited, I can't wait! Cheyenne is going to completely freak out. We kind of talked about it a bit tonight and she freaked out again that we were not going to get a new car. She's gonna be a bit surprised when I come to pick her up in it...LOL So yeah, my date with Nate was absolutely awesome! We had a great time...played some really crappy pool but it was really fun. I love being able to go out and feel very comfortable with someone. We talked, he was a bit shy but I don't blame him since it was me, my friend and him. When he got home we IM'd until 2 in the morning when I accidentally fell asleep talking to him....LOL He said he had a great time and that he thought I was even more attractive in person. I love that! I told Brian tonight that basically I am still insecure about that kind of thing. Nate is pretty much a total hottie. It's hard for me to think of a guy like him, liking me. However, I am going to get past that and know that he means what he says. This is just something I have to tell myself and know, then I will get past it. He is sooooooo sweet. We are already planning to go out again. I can't wait...I don't know which one I can't wait more for....LOL He called tonight and we talked on the phone for an hour...it was really awesome. I just hope that this can truly bloom in to something more. I think I have learned my lesson on rushing things. Yes, I want to see him as much as possible, but just really want to hang out and play pool and go to the park and things like that, no jumping in to anything. He just came out of a 7 year relationship so he feels the same way. He loves dogs so that is definitely a plus and doesn't think dog showing is stupid. I think this definitely has a great potential. He doesn't seem to be totally sex crazed so that is also a really good thing. Anyway, I'm off to bed....maybe...still talking to Nate tonight...LOL

Friends

The best kind of friend is one that is always true and helps you to find yourself whether they mean to or not. Brian you are an amazing man, please don't ever forget that. You have done so much more for me than anyone I have ever known. I know that you will be able to find yourself again. You are one who will never succumb to the darkness, you may feel it is taking over but always know that you have a light that will never go out. I hope that I can be even a quarter of the friend you have been to me.

"It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive -- to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are."
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."
~The Rumi

Never forget...