Facades?

So how do you know when you are putting up a facade? So I was insanely ill last week due to a bladder and kidney infection that took quite a toll on me. Something about a 105.5 degree fever that does that to a person. So during my down time Brian stayed home with me, it was quite nice although he won't get paid for the time. I hated having to ask him to do so much for me but at the same time I am so glad he was there to do it because when I am really sick I am pretty much useless and a total baby. So back to the question at hand. The other day I started to feel as if I was building a wall and subconsciously trying to push Brian away. I don't know that he even felt that way but I couldn't help but notice myself doing it. I think I have stopped but I don't really know for sure. Sometimes I'm afraid that I have come to think my facades are the real thing rather than being able to tell the difference. After all it is my own self that I am looking at and I should be able to tell the difference if anyone can. I have been pondering this issue for a couple of days now and I think I am still afraid and it seems every day that we get closer and closer and the more I want to just turn and run away. I don't really think I have figured out why it is that I want to run yet. This is kind of a new question that I have brought to myself because I want to stop myself from running this time and that was never the case before. I have compared this feeling to a feeling I have had many times in recent past when dealing with my anxiety. In the past I have dealt with my anxiety by facing my fear and pushing myself to do the very thing that I was scared of doing. The problem here is I don't really know what I am scared of so I don't know how to face it. Brian is so amazing and he makes me feel like I am the only one in the world. I realized that I must take a step back and look at us from the 3rd person. I found myself nit picking at little things that are just stupid. Small things that bother me a little but not enough to make a big deal of, the thing I realized though from looking at my past relationships is that I tend to let a lot of little things build up thinking that I shouldn't say anything or I might offend my partner but in doing so I end up getting totally pissed off about a million stupid things and blow everything out of proportion. I do not want to make that same mistake. So I guess the other side of that is I also don't want to be a nag so now is the part where I need to decide how important each of these little things are. I don't want Brian to change himself for me. I know that throughout our lives together he will change because that's what people do as they progress through life but it won't be for me, it will be for himself and maybe some things because of me. Well, I think I will leave it at that for now. I will talk with him tonight.