Blog-a-thon

And so I have completed my blog-a-thon. I decided a few days ago that I wanted to go back through all of Brian's blogs from the time he started and read them all. Let me just say that I have been reading a while....lol...because I have. :) Anyway, this was very interesting. To see all the things that he has gone through since he began blogging it just makes me feel so much closer to him. Even though most of what I read he had already told me about, as far as feelings and people he thought of and such, I have also laughed a ton, he is the funniest damn person I have ever met. Some of the shit he comes up with just cracks me up. Things are great by the way. I finally realized today what I have actually known for a while but have been trying to ignore. He loves me so much more than I could even imagine possible, as much as it pains me to say it, he loves me more. It's funny because every time I look at him and tell him I love him and he says "I love you more" I try to tell him he doesn't but he does. I cannot explain it. I do not know why it is this way. All I know is that I hope one day I can say that I at least love him as much as he loves me. I love him with everything I have, but I realize now that he has more. Somewhere, somehow, he has more love to give me. I love you Brian.

"Do you need anything?" he asks, "No." I replied immediately, when in every part of my body I wanted to yell "YES!!!! Yes, I need something I need you to understand!!!! I need everything to be fixed, to be okay." Why can't he understand, we can't even talk to each other....we tried after he came back from being gone for what seemed like forever. But it was futile. Nothing was said that hasn't been said before. I can't figure it out. I am absolutely at a loss. I have no idea what to do. One side of me wants to just say forget it, it's never going to change and I should just give up now. The other side is fighting so hard to counteract that. I love him. With every inch of my soul and my body and everything I have, I love him. I am not in the same place he is in my soul searching, I have not yet found the inner strength or want that is needed for that to happen. I don't know when or if I ever will. If that is not something he can endure then we need to end it now. I do not want to hurt him, although I know in my heart that it will hurt him more than I can even imagine. I know he loves me and it makes my heart ache so badly that I am not the person he imagines I am. My love for him will never change it will never waiver, I'm just not sure either of us is truly ready for this relationship. It has all seemed like a dream since it began, a fairytale. To good to be true. I wonder if in this situation the old saying is true, "If it seems to good to be true then it probably is." I want so much for this fairytale to be true for everything to be as I have always imagined. I am so afraid of losing him but I would rather lose him now then waste 2 or 4 or 8 years of his life living in a dream world that is not real. I think that I am more afraid of that. If it ends now then there will be less heartache, I know from experience on that one. This time has been so different in every way. It has been just as I imagined a perfect love story, ending in a happily ever after. I am so afraid. And yet I also feel like he is trying to "fix" me, make me in to the person I know I want to be. It's one thing to want the things I want for myself but it's another to try to fix those things for me. That is an impossible task. I am the only one that can fix myself. I want him there to guide me and support me yes but "fix" me, no. Maybe this is something I can only do on my own and if we have to be apart until that happens then maybe that is what should happen. No. I don't want that. I can't imagine myself living without him. I can't even stand the thought of it. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel on this issue. I can't see us fixing it. And if it can't be fixed then neither can we. It is not something that can just be left unsaid or unfixed, there must be a solution. If one is not found I don't know what else we can do. There will always be some kind of resentment coming from both sides if this is not fixed. It HAS to be fixed. I am so exhausted right now that I can't even think straight anymore. I need to go rest.

Angry!

Ooooo!!!! I have never been so angry at him. I just wanted to scream at him and still do. I have been so frustrated with everything else and then for him to be playing games with me just pisses me off so bad I can hardly stand it. I had to take a walk last night when it happened because I was so mad....ok, that is really bad because I haven't done that in more than 2 1/2 years. I cannot understand his logic all it does it make things worse none of this is helping and even if I do take care of the situation that started this whole thing it still will not make any difference the next time. I am not going to continue to play this game. I refuse to play any games of any sort, this is not what it should be about. I thought he felt the same way but apparently not. GOD!!!! I hate being this mad, I do not want to be mad at him but this has just gone too far this time. And so, we sit in silence. We did not even sleep in the same room last night. This is the first time this has ever happened. I just want to cry. I don't know what else to do, if I open my mouth to talk to him I'm just going to scream at him. Grrrrrrr.........what am I supposed to do, just not talk to him ever again? That's not going to happen but I don't seem to be cooling down at all but I don't want to scream at him either. This is also a matter that can not wait, I can't believe he has put it off this long, taking it this far. Ok, well for now I am just going to go sit and read and see if that helps any.

Updating....

So I know it's been a while...hope everyone likes the new look!!! Thanks to my beloved for knowing what I love and coming up with amazing ideas just from my one thought. So, what's up here...well not a lot. Brian and I have had much time together since we are both job hunting...hopefully that will end soon, although it's not because I don't enjoy being with him all the time, it's because well...in the end as everything does it comes down to money. One interesting thing has happened, interestingly I got a letter in the mail the other day. I thought it was very odd and then I read who it was from....Jamaal. I couldn't believe it! What a nerve he has!!! Oh! And guess where it was sent from! Jail!!! He insists that he is there because of the credit card charges but I just don't see how that could possibly be since they credit card company is going after me for the money. I have tried to locate the information online as to why he is actually incarcerated but I don't have any money to pay for a criminal record check and as of yet have only come sites that charge for the information. I did download a form to request the information from the county jail where he is serving time but that still costs $10. So, as soon as I can I will find out. I let Brian read the letter, I don't think he was very happy....pretty much his only comment was "sometimes things are better left unread". He totally wrote all this crap about how he was so sorry for stealing my money and that he will pay me back as soon as he gets out and gets a job and how he wants me back and all this stupid shit!!! It just made me so mad. I want so badly to take him to court and try to recover some of the money but at the same time I just don't want to put forth the effort...I don't have the energy to deal with it...everyone keeps pushing me and I just don't want to have anything to do with him ever again...I just want to put it behind me as quickly as possible. I can't pay the credit card any money right now and it's really hurting my credit but I'm afraid that it's just not going to change anytime soon...even if I did take him to court, especially now that he's in jail and apparently not getting out for 2 years. I think I will probably write him back just to tell him one more time what a piece of shit he is and that I hope he rots in hell. I have everything I could ever hope or dream for in a man and that will never change. I will spend the rest of my life with Brian. He has already brought so many of my dreams to life and I have no doubt that the rest of my life with him will be full of more of those dreams coming true.

Well, I'm off to bed now...I will post again soon and try keeping this more up to date.