"Do you need anything?" he asks, "No." I replied immediately, when in every part of my body I wanted to yell "YES!!!! Yes, I need something I need you to understand!!!! I need everything to be fixed, to be okay." Why can't he understand, we can't even talk to each other....we tried after he came back from being gone for what seemed like forever. But it was futile. Nothing was said that hasn't been said before. I can't figure it out. I am absolutely at a loss. I have no idea what to do. One side of me wants to just say forget it, it's never going to change and I should just give up now. The other side is fighting so hard to counteract that. I love him. With every inch of my soul and my body and everything I have, I love him. I am not in the same place he is in my soul searching, I have not yet found the inner strength or want that is needed for that to happen. I don't know when or if I ever will. If that is not something he can endure then we need to end it now. I do not want to hurt him, although I know in my heart that it will hurt him more than I can even imagine. I know he loves me and it makes my heart ache so badly that I am not the person he imagines I am. My love for him will never change it will never waiver, I'm just not sure either of us is truly ready for this relationship. It has all seemed like a dream since it began, a fairytale. To good to be true. I wonder if in this situation the old saying is true, "If it seems to good to be true then it probably is." I want so much for this fairytale to be true for everything to be as I have always imagined. I am so afraid of losing him but I would rather lose him now then waste 2 or 4 or 8 years of his life living in a dream world that is not real. I think that I am more afraid of that. If it ends now then there will be less heartache, I know from experience on that one. This time has been so different in every way. It has been just as I imagined a perfect love story, ending in a happily ever after. I am so afraid. And yet I also feel like he is trying to "fix" me, make me in to the person I know I want to be. It's one thing to want the things I want for myself but it's another to try to fix those things for me. That is an impossible task. I am the only one that can fix myself. I want him there to guide me and support me yes but "fix" me, no. Maybe this is something I can only do on my own and if we have to be apart until that happens then maybe that is what should happen. No. I don't want that. I can't imagine myself living without him. I can't even stand the thought of it. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel on this issue. I can't see us fixing it. And if it can't be fixed then neither can we. It is not something that can just be left unsaid or unfixed, there must be a solution. If one is not found I don't know what else we can do. There will always be some kind of resentment coming from both sides if this is not fixed. It HAS to be fixed. I am so exhausted right now that I can't even think straight anymore. I need to go rest.