It's been a while

Yeah so it's been quite a while since I posted. I've been meaning to for weeks but have just kind of dreaded it. Not all full of happiness right now but I've got to write. I have to find myself and right now all I'm doing is fighting with myself about what is right for me and what is not. I really can't seem to figure out how to tell the difference. I don't trust most of my feelings right now. It's hard to define what is just blurring my vision and what is the real thing. I know that I am in love but that's about it right now. Move away from that and try to define anything else and I get completely lost. I want so bad to know where I am and where I am heading but I can see none of that right now. I can't really even see the past. Do you ever wish you could rewind and replay some of the parts of your life so you can look at it better and see the things you missed the first time? I wish I could do that sometimes so I could figure out some of the stupid things that I have missed the first time and some of the great things too. When you get so wrapped up in yourself it's hard to find your way out of the jungle you create. I know I have missed so many good things. I continue to miss so many things with my kids. Even though they are right in front of me. I will change this. I am determined to.

We listened to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus last fall and it gave some good insights to things that each of us go through. All of the sudden he is in his "cave" (for those of you who haven't read the book this is where men go with there thoughts and want to be left alone) he tells me this when I ask what is wrong after several days with him acting unlike himself. I have been trying very hard to give him his space and not bother him about it as he says he will talk to me about it when he is ready but now it seems like he is using this as an excuse for his shitty behavior towards me. No matter what you are going through or sorting through in your "cave" there is absolutely no excuse to talk to me like I dirt on your shoe and then turn around when it's convenient for you and be all lovey with me. I am not here for your convenience or to serve you or do everything at your will. When we talk about something it is ALWAYS at your will and now all of the sudden when I am upset with you about something you just throw this "I'm in my cave leave me alone" shit at me. Well too bad, it's not all about you and I can't just save everything I'm upset about up so we can talk about it when you come out. I have no way to know when that will even happen it could be months down the road and I'm not willing to wait that long. Things need to be worked out and discussed in a timely manner, for me that's pretty much right away, if that doesn't happen then I will fume over it for days and then when I finally stop fuming I will push it aside for a time and when it comes back it comes back twice as bad. I will not continue to do this. I will not let myself be controlled, I am the only one who has control of me. This is not going to happen again. I told myself before that I will not let it happen again and it has and I have to put my foot down now or it will never end. I will continue this cycle for the rest of my life. I can't be happy this way and I will not let my kids down, I have to be a better model for them. I will not let this go on.