YAY! uhhh kinda.....

Well it starts today. I'm both scared and excited. I'm super tired today too so that makes me more nervous about it but if I don't start now I won't do it. There will always be some excuse. I really want this though. I want to feel better and have more energy and I know that if I do this then all of the things about myself that I want to fix I will be able to do just by doing this one thing. It will really start the ball rolling but only if I stick to it. Support at home is pretty much nill, Brian doesn't think I can do it. All I get is negative vibes from him over it. I don't think he realizes how much his support means. I have no doubts about the fact that this will be difficult and every little bit helps. I hope to have more support from my sister since we'll be doing it together. I know that once I start to lose inches from my waist it will really help motivate me. I really can't wait to start seeing results. I think I'm going to start trying to plan meals better, like at least a week in advance. I think that will help with the schedule as well as keeping me in check with what I eat. That's another area I really have to work on. I have changed some of my eating habits but I still have more to change.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so freaking out right now. I have no idea why. I feel like the world is imploding on me. I want to just run away and hide under my blanket and go to sleep until it ends. I can't think straight and my brain can't seem to grasp anything right now. I just feel like something is horribly wrong and I no reason for it. I feel like there's something wrong with me. What is the problem? I want to cry for absolutely no reason at all. I can't figure this out. Why is it that I feel the need to carry all of the burden for everyone? What is my problem? When it comes to my own things I guess it's because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. My family just tells me about everything I'm doing wrong or that I need help or this or that. They never understand anything that I'm going through. Every time some little thing happens all my sister can do is tell me that there's something wrong with my kids or that I need to see someone about it or whatever. First of all, you don't have to see someone for everything, lord knows she doesn't. Second of all I can't afford to go see someone for every little thing. I can't afford much of anything right now. We pay our bills and keep food on the table and gas in the car and that's about it. I'm never going to get married because we can't afford a ring let alone a wedding of any kind. I can't talk to my parents because I feel like a failure every time I have anything go wrong and the things that I've had to tell them about just make me feel worse. Brian has his own stuff to deal with and I'm trying to help with that and my best friend lives in IF and I only talk to her every once in a while and she's usually pretty busy so I'd rather not talk to her about my problems. I don't know what else to do. I'm lost.