It's over

Christmas is over, the new year is coming fast. On Christmas eve I was beginning to think my Christmas was going to totally suck. I was pleasantly surprised when I got up and we opened presents, the kids were super excited even though Brian had to wake them up...LOL. I got some great things from my kids and Brian did a good job too. I got a paraffin wax thing so you can dip your hands and feet and elbows and such to make them softer, I've wanted one for a long time, just never bought myself one, that was really awesome! So we have 5 kids running through the house right now, let me just say, HOLY CRAP!!! Summer is such a big cutie! She is soooo sweet and is at that age where everything she says is just cute. Ethan is almost always very quiet doesn't talk much and when he does you can't understand most of what he says and he doesn't really do very much except try to annoy Jordan and Summer. But so far he actually seems to act more like a kid, talking more, although you still can't understand him well, and running around and playing with his toys and all that kind of stuff. He's a funny kid, it's really hard to get a gist of his real personality though because his mom really tries to suppress him, it seems like he's always drugged up for something. Jordan has a hard time with me since he realized that I'm not going away. He doesn't like to listen to me at all. He's smart as a whip though. Wish he was in a better school so he could really excel. Anyway, so yeah, we have a house full and will be having some friends coming tonight to stay a day or 2 so we'll have like 6 adults and 7 kids running around, it's gonna be totally crazy but I think it will be fun. So this coming weekend we make the trip to IF to do the Christmas thing there. I can't wait we haven't been there since the week before thanksgiving so it will be super nice. Hopefully we won't be running to 90 different places this time. Well, back to work I go. Hope everyone enjoys their New Years!

Dream....uhh...more like nightmare!

Ok, so yeah, last night, I had this crazy dream (yeah another one) I seem to be full of these lately. But anyway, So in this dream I had a tooth ache and and went in the bathroom to look at my teeth and my left bottom incisor had something stuck in it so I went to pull it out and low and behold it was a $10 bill, yeah the whole thing! I was like...what? So, then I pulled it all the way out and my tooth was like all black and cut in half and part of it was falling out, it was totally gross....ewwwwwwwwww! Then, I'm looking at my other teeth and they are all nasty and snagly and gross! So, yeah this morning my teeth kind of feel funny and I keep wanted to check them and make sure they are all ok. Let me just note that my teeth have NEVER been all rotten and nasty. I have had 1 cavity my whole life and that was only 3 years ago and it was really little. So, yeah anyway, just had to write about that. LOL.

Christmas time

So it's that time of year again, Christmas time, that is. Generally this is my favorite time of year. This year has been a little different. You know it's funny last year, we were worse off financially then we are this year but last year was so amazing, I love getting things for my family and seeing the looks on my kids faces when they open their presents and want to play with everything as soon as they open it. I love being with my family and hanging out and eating and laughing and just having a good time. Last year I was even very surprised because I actually got several things that had a lot of time and thought were put in to them. I try to do that for everyone I shop for, sometimes it is hard if you don't know the things people like or really want or need and sometimes it's hard because people have everything they want or need except things that are really expensive, of course hopefully for those people you can figure out something or go in on something big with someone. Like my parents this year, it's really hard to buy for them, especially my dad, he's picky and if he wants something he just goes out and buys it. They have needed a new microwave for about 15 years now, theirs is seriously like using rocks and hammers to prepare dinner, it's from the stone age!! Mom wanted something about the same size they have, which is huge, and dad just doesn't think they really need one since the old one is still running. You know except that you have to cook things 3 times as long as they say on the package, there is no defrost option, the timer doesn't work anymore, except all that, it actually turns on, so it's got to be good! LOL...not!!! So anyway, Brian found this really nice one online and we went in on it with my sister and my mom is going to love it, dad will probably think it's fine but it's no big deal to him. See that took some thought and looking. I try to do that for my kids and every one else I buy for. In the past I have always had to buy my own Christmas presents to have under the tree at home, I don't like buying things for myself anytime for the most part and I really hate buying my own presents for Christmas or birthdays or whatever. The only reason I do buy things for Christmas is so the kids don't think that
Santa hasn't brought me anything. Is it really too much to ask that if someone is going to get me something and I say you know, I'd like some of these types of things or I need something like this, that they just take that and use it to think of something to get me? I really don't even care if I get presents I just want to know that I am cherished and thought about and having me pick exactly what I am getting doesn't really make me feel that way, it makes me feel like you think you are required to get me something. That's not the case, if you don't want to put in the time and thought then don't get me anything. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great holiday and we'll see you next year!!!

Merry Christmas!

It's difficult to describe how I feel right now. I talked to the mom last night, she made me feel better and actually got me back to a point where I could think again. I am grateful for that. I'm sorry that this became such a big issue. It is not what I wanted. I'm not sorry that I am hurt over this, I will not be sorry for my feelings. I am sure that any other woman you asked would feel the same way I did about your comment. I felt like you were personally attacking me and my daughter, that is the reason I was hurt by the comment. I am sorry for my yelling and losing control of my thoughts. I hate feeling that way, I hate that I let myself get to that point. I hate that I hurt you and made you upset and that you couldn't study. I don't want to hurt you. I feel like we have both put too much stress on each other. I know that I feel overwhelmed as I'm sure you do too. I don't know how to fix this, we are going to have stress, we can't avoid it. But I think we have both been putting it on each other while trying to deal with it. I love you with every part of my being. I love you undeniably and that will never change. I feel as if you are shutting down your feelings and putting up a wall, I don't want that. I hope that we can work on this together during the semester break. I know it's not a long time but if we can figure out a plan on how to deal with the stress before it starts again I hope that we will be able to move forward and deal with these things reasonably as they come up. I love you.

There used to be a time when you actually cared when I felt like you gave a shit about my feelings. those days seem so far away now. you say horrible hurtful things to me and don't even care how it affects me. I want things back the way they were before, there are so many mean and hurtful things that I wish I could say to you to get you back but I can't because I love you so much, I don't want things to be this way. You have hurt me in a way that I can't even describe with words, my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest and torn open with a dull knife, that really doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. I just want to hate you, I wish that I could, it would probably be so much easier. You have been my best friend and I so badly do not want to lose you. I hate that you would treat me this way, I never thought that would ever be possible. It seems like ever since you started school you have let the stress come between us. I knew that it would be hard and it would be stressful but I didn't think that it would come to this. I am sitting here right now with so many tears in my eyes that I can barely make out what I am writing. I half expect you to come down the stairs and tell me how sorry you are and how much you love me but I know that's not going to happen. The book I have been reading says that I should state my unrealistic expectations and I think that's it. You're probably already asleep without any care as to how I am feeling right now, only worried about the exam you have in the morning. That should be all you are worried about. I didn't want it to turn out like this, all I wanted was to talk about it. To feel like you heard me to know you care about my feelings. Lately it seems like everything is about you. I don’t want to lose you, I love you but I want to feel cared about again