Don't forget

Ode To My Pillar
How can it be that love is such a motivating force? Is it really that important to the substantiation of human existence? I am beginning to believe that love will conquer all. When I feel weak, she is my iron rod. When I need time, she is my clock. When I need, she is there. I've lost my heart to a woman that is truly worthy of it's safe keeping. The reasons for my love are obvious; however, the reason for her love of me are seemingly hidden. Not saying that I'm a yellow sloth cow but the amount of love she has for me is inconceivable for my feeble mind. I know not what drives the passion, but I am grateful for it! I have never known what it is like to be lost in love, until now. To even look into her eyes lights my soul and broadens my view. Every morning when I wake up, I yearn to see her, hold her, be with her. She seems to be my pillar of strength.Yoshi was here 5/03/2005 11:26:00 AM

Do you remember these words? I do, and many others just like them. What has happened to us? Where has that gone? What are we doing? You know sometimes it is really good to go back and be able to look at some of the things in the past. Journals are good for that, but not complete enough. This is why I wish our minds could be like DVR's and we could just pick a time and go back and watch it and go over it all again when we have a different perspective. Just 2 years ago those words were said and now there are none of that kind. I want us to get back there. Back to where those are the words to describe how we feel again. I miss those words. I don't know if it's really the stress or if it is just that we seem to have this constant negative attitude toward everything. I feel the negativity constantly, I really want to change that. I can't say that this is all we need to change our feelings but I know it will change the attitude in the house and in my heart.

I have made a goal to try to stop complaining all the time. I watched an Oprah show where she had a pastor on and he started a campaign called complaint free world. It started from a thought he had for his church parish to stop complaining so he made a bracelet made for everyone in his parish. The idea was to put the bracelet on one hand and if you catch yourself complaining you have to change wrists the goal being to keep it on the same wrist for at least 21 days. Most of the people in his parish have now been able to complete this challenge and since they have been sending out the bracelets to anyone that requests them. I requested 6. One for me and then another for anyone who asks me about it and would like to try the challenge.

So I got an email back from my best friend from high school yesterday, I haven't talked to her for about 5 years, she was living in Utah and apparently she just moved to California, her husband is in the military and will be moving back in November. She is coming to our 10 year reunion so I really have to try to go. I would love to see her again. I can't believe it's our ten year!! OMG!! It's crazy! I feel like it's only been 3 or 4 years not 10. It will be interesting to see where everyone is in their lives even though I wasn't great friends with most people in high school.

Well, I will keep you up to date on my complaint progress. I haven't actually received the bracelets yet and it still might be a little while before I do but I'm going to get started without it.

I miss it

I miss my friends. I miss having a life. It just seems that since we moved I have had neither. I left my best friends in IF and when I go visit there is just never enough time. I dread every trip we make now. I hate going. I have to fight over who to spend time with when and doing what. We really don't have the money or the time to do some of the things I would like to do. I miss my mom and the weekend shopping trips and having dinner every Sunday at their house. I miss talking to her on a regular basis. I miss Laurellee and going over to her house for dinner or her and the kids coming to mine and just hanging out laughing and talking and having fun. I have friends here but not close friends, no one I really want to go hang out with all of the time and spend lots of time with. I do appreciate them but I really only see them and talk to them at work and they are all much older than I am. My sister is here but I just can't talk to her like I can my mom and my close friends. She is too judgemental. I really have no support system here and I don't know how to deal with it. I think of all my friends and family I miss Brian the most. I miss spending hours on the phone talking and laughing and goofing around and the practical jokes and oh my god how he used to make me laugh. I find myself laughing less and less. He always used to be able to make me laugh. Even when I didn't want to laugh. He had a way of making me feel special for no apparent reason and always treated me with respect and made me feel like I could do anything. I want that back. You know we moved here for more opportunities and better school options and jobs. We have that but at least for me personally I think I had a much richer life there. I had so much less in physical things but I had good friends and family close by. I think those things are so much better and more important. Am am at a loss though, because the schools here are much better and the kids deserve more than what can be offered to them in IF. I cannot take that away from them for my own selfishness. I have contemplated this many times recently. It's just not an option. I do think that we need to find a cheaper place to live here. It won't be nearly as nice and probably won't have a yard and will be small but that would lessen the financial burden we have now and maybe the kids could do some other activities like dance and sports. I just want them to have a good and fullfilling life and be able to grow and be sucessful.