Wow! I finally finished and WARNING very personal information and probably a lot of TMI
Ok so this one may end up being pretty long and I can guarantee it's going to take a while to write. So anyway, I was thinking today. I don't know why this came up in my head but for some reason I was thinking back to my rebellious times when I was 17 and all the things that happened and how they happened. I began to recall the day I lost my virginity. I had lied to my parents and said I would be spending the night at a friends house, instead I went to this guys house, he was 21, I was 17. I was looking for sex. I wanted it to be special but I think I knew that it wouldn't be, I had only known this guy a couple of weeks and had gone to his house several nights a week after school. Mom & dad would have lost their minds had they known what I was doing. I think dad knew I wasn't spending the night at a friends that night because he tried to call me at their house, which he never did. When he found out I wasn't there he tried to page me, of course I didn't call him back. The next morning I went to another friends house and called him from there and said that I didn't hear my pager because it was on silent and I didn't have it on me so I didn't know he had called until that morning, he paged probably 30 or 40 times. I told him I had ended up going to this friends house instead. Let me just say that this is what I thought would be one of the best nights of my life up to that point and I was sadly mistaken. It turned out to be the start of a rolling disaster. Now, I will say that as I was recalling the things of my past that I much regret and the pain I put myself and my family through I also thought about if I was given the chance to change things would I? My answer is no. I know that I would not be the person I am today without those experiences and I also know that I would not have the kids I have if those things had been changed. I would never trade my kids for anything in the world.
Now I have to go back a bit. While I was pondering the thought of changing things past, I thought to myself that if I had the chance to change things maybe instead I could just see how my life would have been different if I had done things differently. That would be an interesting thing to see I think because although I would not change what I have done it might still be intriguing and enlightening to see what things would be like now if I had done the things I had planned or thought would be the right decisions to make. As I analyzed all of those things that I had questioned in my life I began to notice a pattern. I had this huge epiphany and discovered the pattern that I have been following.
When I began dating again after the divorce I told myself that I was going to be careful and really get to know the men I dated before I jumped in to bed. In fact I even tried to tell myself that I had to wait until we had been together a minimum of 6 months and that it would have to be extremely serious before I would even consider it. Of course I couldn't tell myself that I wouldn't think about it since it was something that at that point had become almost a daily thought. I guarantee you that I am not a nympho but I think that at some point, especially after a divorce you really start thinking about it a lot. I realized though that part of the problem was that I have been scared by my sexual past. I had many things happen that I had never wanted to happen. I think most of these issues came from my lack of self esteem. I try to consider myself a very strong willed person and try to come off as very confident in myself. When it comes to some things I am extremely confident but with most things I truly am not even as much as I try to pretend I am. I think sometimes I try to pretend I am thinking that if I just keep pretending I am I will become that way. But that is just a dream. So back to the cycle. I realized that when I was 17 I had a horrible self esteem, I wanted to be my own person and pushed very hard to be different from all the people around me but at the same time I yearned to to like them because I was shunned by them and longed to be liked. My thoughts were well if I just lose some weight then people will like me, because when you are that age looks are something that matters. I have always thought that I had a beautiful face and eyes and if people could just look at me from the chest up I was in the clear. But I truly hate my body. So, my mom thought she would help me to lose weight by taking me to the doctor and I started on the diet drugs phen-phen. It was not long before I started dropping the pounds, in the first 4 months I took them I lost about 50 lbs. I felt great and I looked great and people were taking a lot of notice. Especially the guys, which was something I had wanted for so long. I think that I thought if I didn't have interest from guys then I was nothing. I had guy friends but I wanted more than that. I wanted what every woman wants and what most seem to find allusive. Romance, or what I thought of as romance anyway. Romance like you see in the movies. The problem is that there really is no such thing. The reason they don't go on about what happens after the end of the movie is because living "happily ever after" is all a fairy tale. We wish that it could really be that way but it can't because we wouldn't grow if it weren't hard. We have to have our times when we are down and struggling in order to grow as a person and hopefully in the end we will have become a good person or even better a great person. We will never be perfect. You see the thing is I didn't want to see it that way until recently. Even though I really knew the truth about it I didn't want to believe it and embrace it. So as I went on my merry way thinking things were going to be great now that I had a beautiful body and I felt like I could show it off I found myself doubting that any guy would like me if I didn't show him my body. I felt like it was a must to do anything he asked when it came to that but at the same time I knew that I didn't want to do that and I knew I didn't want to conform to anything I still wanted to be different, I wanted that to be what people liked about me but because I didn't feel good about me I couldn't actually believe that anyone else would. SO I ended up in bed with men I said no to and they pushed just a little and I gave in. Then the first guy who didn't keep pushing and actually half respected my thoughts and feelings I ended up marrying I think because I thought if I didn't I would lose my chance.
Once I realized the marriage just wasn't going to work, I was relieved and scared and sad and angry and pretty much every emotion possible. It was a horrible thing to go through but I am glad I did because I am so much better off now than I was when I was with him. So I waited about 2 years before considering dating again. This was a good thing, I focused on my kids and my friends but I don't think I really focused on me. I think it's important to analyze your failed relationships but I don't think I really have, especially my marriage. I mean to some extent I have but not to the extent I really should. This is something I still have to do. This week I have unexpectedly begun to analyze a lot of things in my life starting here. When I did start looking for men to date I now realize that I ended up in the same basic predicament I was in before. I was trying to be confident and be different and be myself and I wanted men to like me for me, not for my body. I believe me after having 2 kids and not exercising and eating healthy my body is not looking good. I am heavier than I have ever been and I struggle with that daily. I started trying to meet men online because meeting them in person was just not happening. Like it was in high school I was able to have several guy friends but nothing that was ever more, even as much as I wanted it to be. I found myself falling into a crush for every guy that I became friends with. As time went on I would get over it and just be friends and I was fine with that but I was still always on the lookout for more. My first date was with a guy about my size, I had seen his picture and he wasn't bad, seemed pretty nice so we went out to dinner and then miniature golf. I had 3 of my best friends at the time with me. Laurellee, Charlie and Laura. Laurellee's husband came along too but I didn't know him very well at the time. I think the guy was extremely intimidated by my friends and he was extremely quiet and a bit shy. I had a great time with my friends and felt bad that the guy just didn't seem to fit in well with us. So the next day I told him we wouldn't be going out again. He was hurt because he apparently really liked me. The next guy was a DJ at a radio station in Montana, he was really nice. Had a young daughter and was older than me which was something I was looking for because I wanted someone more mature. He came to see me several times and we talked on the phone a lot. He was nice enough but there were just a lot of things that just weren't going to work. I also had a hard time accepting the fact that he didn't want to have sex when I offered it. This was pretty devastating to me at the time because now as I look back at it I can see that I was so insecure that I think I really thought that was the only way I was going to keep him wanting to see me more. That was not what he wanted at all. Unlike a lot of men sex was not a priority. I wish sometimes that I had seen that earlier because I could have learned more about myself and maybe worked on it a little more.
I find myself trying to avoid finishing this blog. I am really trying to force myself to do it. I am going on a week now but I believe that it is important for me to finish writing it because I think it will help me in my journey to find myself. I think that is really where I am right now, trying to find myself, finally. It is something I keep trying to avoid and oh am I good at it. I think after this first large post you will find many smaller ones and maybe a few large ones soon to follow. Writing my thoughts has really been helpful and makes me work through them. Apparently studies have said that actually writing rather than typing is supposed to be more beneficial but I can barely sign my name without having huge hand cramps never mind writing a damn novel. Anyway, must focus on the task at hand. This is such a difficult thing. So I think the vast majority of my issues regarding my whole life are centered around my insecurity. I think all my life I have just felt like I have let everyone down. When I was in school my school work was how I made myself feel better and made myself worthy of my friends and family's love. Whenever there was any doubt that I had done well I had to fight back because that was what made things ok. I fought about very insignificant things. I still do. In the past I have just attributed this to my being strong willed but I think it's more than that. I think that has just been my way of rationalizing it. I do believe that I am strong willed but only on things that suit my purpose. I do have my opinions of things that I feel very strongly about and I definitely try to protect those opinions but those aren't the things I'm talking about. I'm talking about the little stupid things that I refuse to be wrong about because I feel like if I am then there is more wrong with me. I shouldn't ever be wrong. For me it's just not natural. So when it comes to men I think part of how I end up self destructing is because I refuse to be wrong so with all of those men who were wrong that I should have never been with in the first place I ended up continuing because I couldn't be wrong and if I got out of the situation or the relationship then I was wrong, I screwed up again. Now here I am with the man of my dreams and I am sabotaging it by refusing to ever be wrong. It seems like I am just is such a hole now. Things really have been great lately and I think that is why I have been able to start looking at these things. I know I have to continue to do this. Analyze and sort through my feelings and my thoughts so that I can find a way to get past them or fix the ones that need fixed. The problem now is that Brian is in school and has a lot of his own stresses to deal with and I want to be able to help him sort through his things but at the same time I really need his support to sort through mine. Right now he is really my only support mechanism. My best friend is in IF and I talk to her on the phone but it's just a lot different than being able to talk in person and there is no way my mom or my sister would understand. I think my mom would be better than my sister but I'm much to ashamed of so many of the things I have done in the past to tell my mother. Maybe once I am able to get through a lot of this. It would be kind of nice to be able to tell her and talk to her about it. I just feel like it is completely unfair of me to want him to support me and help me through this when he has all of his things he is dealing with. So far I am doing pretty ok with what I have sorted through so far but this I think has been a very easy part. Ok, well I think I have finally gotten all of the major things I wanted to get out, out. Now comes the hard part, moving forward. Wish me luck.
Now I have to go back a bit. While I was pondering the thought of changing things past, I thought to myself that if I had the chance to change things maybe instead I could just see how my life would have been different if I had done things differently. That would be an interesting thing to see I think because although I would not change what I have done it might still be intriguing and enlightening to see what things would be like now if I had done the things I had planned or thought would be the right decisions to make. As I analyzed all of those things that I had questioned in my life I began to notice a pattern. I had this huge epiphany and discovered the pattern that I have been following.
When I began dating again after the divorce I told myself that I was going to be careful and really get to know the men I dated before I jumped in to bed. In fact I even tried to tell myself that I had to wait until we had been together a minimum of 6 months and that it would have to be extremely serious before I would even consider it. Of course I couldn't tell myself that I wouldn't think about it since it was something that at that point had become almost a daily thought. I guarantee you that I am not a nympho but I think that at some point, especially after a divorce you really start thinking about it a lot. I realized though that part of the problem was that I have been scared by my sexual past. I had many things happen that I had never wanted to happen. I think most of these issues came from my lack of self esteem. I try to consider myself a very strong willed person and try to come off as very confident in myself. When it comes to some things I am extremely confident but with most things I truly am not even as much as I try to pretend I am. I think sometimes I try to pretend I am thinking that if I just keep pretending I am I will become that way. But that is just a dream. So back to the cycle. I realized that when I was 17 I had a horrible self esteem, I wanted to be my own person and pushed very hard to be different from all the people around me but at the same time I yearned to to like them because I was shunned by them and longed to be liked. My thoughts were well if I just lose some weight then people will like me, because when you are that age looks are something that matters. I have always thought that I had a beautiful face and eyes and if people could just look at me from the chest up I was in the clear. But I truly hate my body. So, my mom thought she would help me to lose weight by taking me to the doctor and I started on the diet drugs phen-phen. It was not long before I started dropping the pounds, in the first 4 months I took them I lost about 50 lbs. I felt great and I looked great and people were taking a lot of notice. Especially the guys, which was something I had wanted for so long. I think that I thought if I didn't have interest from guys then I was nothing. I had guy friends but I wanted more than that. I wanted what every woman wants and what most seem to find allusive. Romance, or what I thought of as romance anyway. Romance like you see in the movies. The problem is that there really is no such thing. The reason they don't go on about what happens after the end of the movie is because living "happily ever after" is all a fairy tale. We wish that it could really be that way but it can't because we wouldn't grow if it weren't hard. We have to have our times when we are down and struggling in order to grow as a person and hopefully in the end we will have become a good person or even better a great person. We will never be perfect. You see the thing is I didn't want to see it that way until recently. Even though I really knew the truth about it I didn't want to believe it and embrace it. So as I went on my merry way thinking things were going to be great now that I had a beautiful body and I felt like I could show it off I found myself doubting that any guy would like me if I didn't show him my body. I felt like it was a must to do anything he asked when it came to that but at the same time I knew that I didn't want to do that and I knew I didn't want to conform to anything I still wanted to be different, I wanted that to be what people liked about me but because I didn't feel good about me I couldn't actually believe that anyone else would. SO I ended up in bed with men I said no to and they pushed just a little and I gave in. Then the first guy who didn't keep pushing and actually half respected my thoughts and feelings I ended up marrying I think because I thought if I didn't I would lose my chance.
Once I realized the marriage just wasn't going to work, I was relieved and scared and sad and angry and pretty much every emotion possible. It was a horrible thing to go through but I am glad I did because I am so much better off now than I was when I was with him. So I waited about 2 years before considering dating again. This was a good thing, I focused on my kids and my friends but I don't think I really focused on me. I think it's important to analyze your failed relationships but I don't think I really have, especially my marriage. I mean to some extent I have but not to the extent I really should. This is something I still have to do. This week I have unexpectedly begun to analyze a lot of things in my life starting here. When I did start looking for men to date I now realize that I ended up in the same basic predicament I was in before. I was trying to be confident and be different and be myself and I wanted men to like me for me, not for my body. I believe me after having 2 kids and not exercising and eating healthy my body is not looking good. I am heavier than I have ever been and I struggle with that daily. I started trying to meet men online because meeting them in person was just not happening. Like it was in high school I was able to have several guy friends but nothing that was ever more, even as much as I wanted it to be. I found myself falling into a crush for every guy that I became friends with. As time went on I would get over it and just be friends and I was fine with that but I was still always on the lookout for more. My first date was with a guy about my size, I had seen his picture and he wasn't bad, seemed pretty nice so we went out to dinner and then miniature golf. I had 3 of my best friends at the time with me. Laurellee, Charlie and Laura. Laurellee's husband came along too but I didn't know him very well at the time. I think the guy was extremely intimidated by my friends and he was extremely quiet and a bit shy. I had a great time with my friends and felt bad that the guy just didn't seem to fit in well with us. So the next day I told him we wouldn't be going out again. He was hurt because he apparently really liked me. The next guy was a DJ at a radio station in Montana, he was really nice. Had a young daughter and was older than me which was something I was looking for because I wanted someone more mature. He came to see me several times and we talked on the phone a lot. He was nice enough but there were just a lot of things that just weren't going to work. I also had a hard time accepting the fact that he didn't want to have sex when I offered it. This was pretty devastating to me at the time because now as I look back at it I can see that I was so insecure that I think I really thought that was the only way I was going to keep him wanting to see me more. That was not what he wanted at all. Unlike a lot of men sex was not a priority. I wish sometimes that I had seen that earlier because I could have learned more about myself and maybe worked on it a little more.
I find myself trying to avoid finishing this blog. I am really trying to force myself to do it. I am going on a week now but I believe that it is important for me to finish writing it because I think it will help me in my journey to find myself. I think that is really where I am right now, trying to find myself, finally. It is something I keep trying to avoid and oh am I good at it. I think after this first large post you will find many smaller ones and maybe a few large ones soon to follow. Writing my thoughts has really been helpful and makes me work through them. Apparently studies have said that actually writing rather than typing is supposed to be more beneficial but I can barely sign my name without having huge hand cramps never mind writing a damn novel. Anyway, must focus on the task at hand. This is such a difficult thing. So I think the vast majority of my issues regarding my whole life are centered around my insecurity. I think all my life I have just felt like I have let everyone down. When I was in school my school work was how I made myself feel better and made myself worthy of my friends and family's love. Whenever there was any doubt that I had done well I had to fight back because that was what made things ok. I fought about very insignificant things. I still do. In the past I have just attributed this to my being strong willed but I think it's more than that. I think that has just been my way of rationalizing it. I do believe that I am strong willed but only on things that suit my purpose. I do have my opinions of things that I feel very strongly about and I definitely try to protect those opinions but those aren't the things I'm talking about. I'm talking about the little stupid things that I refuse to be wrong about because I feel like if I am then there is more wrong with me. I shouldn't ever be wrong. For me it's just not natural. So when it comes to men I think part of how I end up self destructing is because I refuse to be wrong so with all of those men who were wrong that I should have never been with in the first place I ended up continuing because I couldn't be wrong and if I got out of the situation or the relationship then I was wrong, I screwed up again. Now here I am with the man of my dreams and I am sabotaging it by refusing to ever be wrong. It seems like I am just is such a hole now. Things really have been great lately and I think that is why I have been able to start looking at these things. I know I have to continue to do this. Analyze and sort through my feelings and my thoughts so that I can find a way to get past them or fix the ones that need fixed. The problem now is that Brian is in school and has a lot of his own stresses to deal with and I want to be able to help him sort through his things but at the same time I really need his support to sort through mine. Right now he is really my only support mechanism. My best friend is in IF and I talk to her on the phone but it's just a lot different than being able to talk in person and there is no way my mom or my sister would understand. I think my mom would be better than my sister but I'm much to ashamed of so many of the things I have done in the past to tell my mother. Maybe once I am able to get through a lot of this. It would be kind of nice to be able to tell her and talk to her about it. I just feel like it is completely unfair of me to want him to support me and help me through this when he has all of his things he is dealing with. So far I am doing pretty ok with what I have sorted through so far but this I think has been a very easy part. Ok, well I think I have finally gotten all of the major things I wanted to get out, out. Now comes the hard part, moving forward. Wish me luck.
posted by bccw123 at
7:49 PM
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