Self

So yeah....where to begin. I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I am having trouble sorting them all out. I think I tend to actually think better when I start writing and while I listen to music. If I don't actually write down my thoughts I don't think I truly think through them. Does that make sense? It may not to you but it does to me. So, having an completely open relationship is extremely important to me. However, it can be hard to be completely open about yourself, especially your past and a past that you are not proud of. I experienced that today. I would not blame him for not wanting to be with me anymore. He is so much of what I want to be. He said before we started dating that he thought we were in different places in our lives and that I seemed settled and more mature. I don't really know how he came to that conclusion because he is so much more settled in his life and who he is than I am. I am so afraid now that I will not become who he thinks I can and will become. This is something I have struggled with for so long in my life because I seem to keep trying to be the person my dad expects me to be and become but I just keep letting him down. I couldn't stand to have the same thing happen with him. I want to become so much better than I am now so my kids have a mother that I am proud of, to look up to. I am so glad that my kids have him to look up to. I know I should trust him when he says he's not going anywhere but I just can't help feeling like the part of my past he learned about today is just going to keep eating at him because he can't understand it. He said that to a point he thinks I am still in the same emotional state that I was. I don't believe that I am. I can't say that it has completely changed but I have learned so much from my past. I am a person that doesn't want to let anyone down and don't want to make people feel bad so I tend to be kind of a "yes" person. From my last mistake I no longer think that is a problem. I guess now I feel like I have to prove to him that I am not the same as I was, but at the same time, I really don't think I should have to prove anything to anyone except myself. There are many things about myself that I think I still need a lot of work on. At this point I can only work on one thing at a time. I am still trying to get my life together and be able to provide for my family so we can stop worrying about being able to afford the little things. Right now that is my primary priority. I have to get to a place where I feel comfortable enough to start working on some of those other things and until I can stop worrying about immediate things I don't really have the energy to work on things for my future self. I love him with all my being. I still have not been able to find a word or phrase or group of words that truly describe my feelings and how my heart aches for him. He makes me feel more than whole. I think that is as close as I have been able to come.

Facades?

So how do you know when you are putting up a facade? So I was insanely ill last week due to a bladder and kidney infection that took quite a toll on me. Something about a 105.5 degree fever that does that to a person. So during my down time Brian stayed home with me, it was quite nice although he won't get paid for the time. I hated having to ask him to do so much for me but at the same time I am so glad he was there to do it because when I am really sick I am pretty much useless and a total baby. So back to the question at hand. The other day I started to feel as if I was building a wall and subconsciously trying to push Brian away. I don't know that he even felt that way but I couldn't help but notice myself doing it. I think I have stopped but I don't really know for sure. Sometimes I'm afraid that I have come to think my facades are the real thing rather than being able to tell the difference. After all it is my own self that I am looking at and I should be able to tell the difference if anyone can. I have been pondering this issue for a couple of days now and I think I am still afraid and it seems every day that we get closer and closer and the more I want to just turn and run away. I don't really think I have figured out why it is that I want to run yet. This is kind of a new question that I have brought to myself because I want to stop myself from running this time and that was never the case before. I have compared this feeling to a feeling I have had many times in recent past when dealing with my anxiety. In the past I have dealt with my anxiety by facing my fear and pushing myself to do the very thing that I was scared of doing. The problem here is I don't really know what I am scared of so I don't know how to face it. Brian is so amazing and he makes me feel like I am the only one in the world. I realized that I must take a step back and look at us from the 3rd person. I found myself nit picking at little things that are just stupid. Small things that bother me a little but not enough to make a big deal of, the thing I realized though from looking at my past relationships is that I tend to let a lot of little things build up thinking that I shouldn't say anything or I might offend my partner but in doing so I end up getting totally pissed off about a million stupid things and blow everything out of proportion. I do not want to make that same mistake. So I guess the other side of that is I also don't want to be a nag so now is the part where I need to decide how important each of these little things are. I don't want Brian to change himself for me. I know that throughout our lives together he will change because that's what people do as they progress through life but it won't be for me, it will be for himself and maybe some things because of me. Well, I think I will leave it at that for now. I will talk with him tonight.