A Long Time......

Wow...I can't believe I've neglected my writing for so long. I've really been in quite the rut for a while now and it doesn't really seem to be getting better. Let me quickly update the last few months. On November 14th, 2008 I was laid off from my job at Albertsons. I really thought I was looking forward to it as I knew it was coming but in the end I have found that I'm having a much harder time with it. I am supposed to be working on my schooling for medical transcription but I'm really struggling with it because right now it's a lot of reading and trying to read when I'd really rather be in bed or a hole or doing something that makes me forget everything going on in my life right now (it's a wonder I haven't started drinking to get that). Anyway, most days I don't work on school because I just don't want to deal with it. Brian hasn't been working since around the end of September or first part of October. Christmas was very difficult because we literally had no money for any gifts. Thank god for my parents. They gave me $200 to spend on the children. Brian and I were not able to get each other anything and the kids were not able to go shopping for each other or for us. It was very difficult for me to tell the kids they would not be able to shop this year but at least they had presents under the tree. Mom and dad also gave us money to make the trip to Idaho Falls to spend time with family. This year Christmas was not my favorite holiday. Two weeks ago I had to put my beloved cocker spaniel Rooney to sleep because he was sick and the vet said the blood work showed liver disease. We put him down the day we left to go to Idaho Falls to visit Brian's ailing grandfather. We are now faced with losing our housing because we don't have the money to pay rent and all of the bills. We have been floating along on the small amount of savings we had and then loans from Brian's mom and my parents covering some items. We received student loan money but it will only pay rent for 2 months. Tax returns will be coming soon but even then Brian hasn't been able to pay his child support since we haven't been working and so we have to pay back child support for the past several months from that. At this point we are trying to get Brian and the kids through the school year. Which will probably require us moving in with his sister and her 3 kids for a few months.

After that the only option we have found is to move back to Idaho Falls and live with my parents until we are employed again. This is very bittersweet for me. I miss my parents and my extended family very much. Since we have lived in Meridian I have missed most of the family functions at grandma's house that I have become so accustomed to. I also miss my best friend a ton. The kids will be close to their dad and all of the grandparents by moving back. I am a very family oriented person and right now my sister is the only family here. The only real reasons we moved here in the first place was school and work. The schools here are much better than eastern Idaho both for the kids and for college for Brian. The job opportunities when we moved were much better also but these days that does not seem to be the case. We have a much nicer house than we had in Idaho Falls but other than that we really didn't gain anything living here. Housing is much more expensive so all of the extra money we have made went to our rent and the kids have not been able to participate in extra activities. Cheyenne would really like to dance again but those types of things are also much more expensive here. Right now as much as I love my house and all of the things we have I really want to be back at home, and I still call it that because it doesn't feel like home here. Some day I would like to own a home again and I really want another child but things are just not going our way right now and I am not going to have another child until things have leveled out and we can afford to pay for another child. I know it sounds crazy but I just don't feel like my family is complete yet.

Right now my hope is that we can somehow figure out a way to stay here so that Brian can finish school, we were hoping he could transfer to Stevens-Heneger college so he could finish sooner but if we have to move that will not be possible. School seems to be the only end to all of this for us. Once Brian has finished his degree he will be able to get a much better job and we can have a house of our own and the kids can do the things they want to do. At this rate the children will be at the end of their childhood before that happens. All of this is very frustrating. I am going to be 30 this year and I am no closer, in fact I think I'm farther away from being where I want to be. I have not had to live with my parents since I was 18 years old. I have had to ask them for help many times but I have not had to move back in with them and that terrifies me. It terrifies me because I don't want to be dependent on them for the rest of my life. They have already done so much more for me than I would have expected. I HATE having to ask them for help over and over again. I feel like the biggest failure. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and my husband but nothing has turned out the way I planned and I am certainly no where near where I want to be right now. I want to have a house of my own, be financially stable and have another child with my husband.

Ugh....ok well I'm going to try to update more often again.