Anger, hurt, saddness.......

I am completely dazed and confused right now. I feel like I've been run over by an elephant. The wind has been knocked out of me and I just can't seem to get it back. This was a blow that I was really not expecting. How can someone truly and wholely love you when they do not love your children. My children are a product of me, they have been raised by me and are half me. I do not know that a relationship can sustain a blow like that. To discover that all this time it was that it was because of my son? Children are a wonderful and beautiful gift. They are never perfect but that does not mean that they cannot be loved by someone other than their parents. You don't want a child with me because you're afraid I'll produce another monster? How can you say you love me when you think that? I am absolutely stunned that you do not seem to be the man I fell in love with and that I thought you were. Was I just dreaming that that person exsisted? I should have known that our fairytale wasn't real since fairytales aren't real. No one can have a real fairytale. I'm not sure I know that person who lies next to me in bed at night. Now I don't know if I really never knew him or if I just don't know the new him.

My head is spinning in circles and I'm afraid it's going to just snap off. I can't change your feelings about him and I think that's what really hurts the most. I feel like the person I fell in love with cared about the feelings of the people they loved. The person I see now has lost that. Has hardened his shell so that nothing can get through. The person I knew before would have seen the hurt on my face and would have shown me how that hurt him. I really don't believe that I made up the person I fell in love with in my head but I am very hurt that I can't seem to find him anymore.

I cannot pretend that this revelation isn't a huge blow to our relationship. Even as I sit here at work and try to concentrate I can't help but want to drive home and find a hole to curl up in and hide and run away from all the things that hurt me. But my children are everything to me and I cannot run away from everything else without running away from them and that I also cannot do. I would do anything for my children and I have been trying to balance my happiness with theirs and doing what is right for them. I'm not sure that can happen.

I am angry and I'm hurt. But I don't blame you. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. I wanted someone to lean on and now I see that I leaned too far. I crushed the comfort that I was looking for. I have not leaned on myself near as much as I should have. You used to be that person that let me lean on them but always made me lean on myself too. I have destroyed some of the things I loved the most about you. I hope that you will forgive me for this and I hope that you can find those things again. I am so sorry that I pulled you down and that I have caused you enough pain that you had to shut down. I know you worked so hard to move past that. I will always remember how you used to love me. The years that I have know you have been some of the best and some of the worst. You were always there for me, but I fear it would have been better for you if we had only stayed friends. It's the wonderful thing about a blog. I go back and I see how you were before we started dating and how you were in the beginning. You were in such a better place then.

I don't know if this can be fixed. I cannot change your feelings toward my son. I can work on changing myself which I intend to do but I cannot fix what I have done to you.

I am so, so sorry.

I love you.