Again...

Is love really enough? Is this going to keep happening? 3 times in the 2 1/2 years we have been together is a lot. I don't know how to prevent this type of thing from happening again. I know I love him with all my heart. I know that it is true love. I know that I want to be married to him for the rest of my life, but is all of that enough? It scares me to think that one day it really will be over. It was bad enough to make him put a hold on our marriage license with the county clerks office. That's a pretty extreme step to take if you want to make it work. Is this the last time we will have a fight, I doubt it. I hope however that it will be the last time it goes to the extreme. I don't think I can handle it happening again. I don't want to go around in circles. Even though every time it has gone to the extreme it has been over something completely different than before I don't know that we are really making progress. I thought we had gone through this for the last time the last time it happened. Obviously I was wrong. I just want to know how to make it so this was the last time. I have this fear that we are going to come down to throwing out threats of breaking up until finally one of us just does it.


I DO love him with all of my heart. A new song by Rascal Flatts sums it up pretty well:


The Way

Think about the way the earth revolves around the sun.
Gravity holds it all in place
and keeps it all from coming undone.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.


Think about how a baby cries to feel his mother's touch
and how he finally wrestled peacefully
when she finally picked him up.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.


Oh they say the sky's the limit
but I say there's so much more
'cause your love takes me higher than I've ever been before.
Well the heaven's hold the stars
that's why they stay where they are.
I know why they shine the way they do.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.


Just like a soldier fights for what he knows is right
he'd gladly give his last breath for freedom
and he wouldn't even think twice.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.


Oh they say the sky's the limit
but I say there's so much more
'cause your love takes me higher than I've ever been before.
Well the heaven's hold the stars
that's why they stay where they are.
I know why they shine the way they do.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.


Well I may not be a wise man
but I know one thing is true
that the river's only reason
is to find the ocean blue.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

I don't understand

I no longer know where I am. I thought I knew, I thought I knew where we were headed, at least a general direction anyway. I feel like I must be in some alternate universe somewhere. It can't be that I am in the same place I thought I was a week ago. I feel betrayed and hurt and sad. What happened? What went wrong? Was I wrong all along? What's wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get it right? I can't even think through my own thoughts and feelings right now. I am feeling so many things that I can't even describe right now. I never say things right. I have no words for the ache I feel in my heart.
If this was wrong God and it can't be fixed then I am done. I will pick up the pieces and help my children through this and I will not do it again.

In Response....

I'm sorry that you feel like I was irresponsible and that you are hurt because I didn't spend a lot of time with you this weekend. I don't want you to feel hurt but I will not allow you to make me feel bad because I was spending time with my mother who I don't see very often anymore. There is nothing wrong with that. You were more than welcome to come with us but you cannot expect me to always do what you want to do and then be mad at me because I didn't. I love being around you and the more things we do together the happier I am. That being said I don't want you to come if you don't want to and are just going to bitch and moan the whole time, that is much worse than not having you there at all. You make it out like I am being extremely selfish and I don't care about anyone else but that is not at all the case and I think you know it. I'm sorry I spent $25 to feed my family when I didn't absolutely have to but you did the exact same thing when we went to Merrit's when I was doing the budget. I let it go and took the money out of savings for it. You know damn well that I am not a big spender and that I am even more anal about keeping money in savings than you are. How do you think I managed to keep myself and my kids going for 3 years without you. I always had money in savings, I may not have had a full pantry but we had food on the table and the kids had a nice christmas and everything else. That was all me. It really frustrates me that you act like I'm so irresponsible, from the time you handed the budget over this semester you have been watching my back and hounding me and then telling me that I have to take care of it. Well I can if I have to. I don't like it because it is stressful for me. So yes, I would rather you take care of it because you do a pretty great job of it but don't you dare say that I am irresponsible and that you have the last say on the money. Since when has it ever been that way? We have always in the past both taken the stance that the money is a joint thing that we decide on together. Whenever possible we talk to each other about spending money on just about everything. I don't feel like this should have become this huge issue that you have made it out to be. I don't go out every day and spend money. In fact I very seldomly spend any money at all. I am a huge tightwad. In general I spend less money than you do so don't lecture me about being irrepsonsible. I don't think you are irresponsible because you spend more money than I do and obviously you don't think you are either so I don't understand where you get that I am irresponsible because I didn't tell you before hand or because I spent money on something you wouldn't have.

GETTING MARRIED!!!!

So it finally happened!!!! We got married on 10/7/07. I was beginning to wonder if this day would ever come. For those of you who may not be keeping up on my other half's blog, we, I should say I, won a wedding from one of the local radio stations. I decided to enter the contest after hearing the ad for it on the morning show like 2 days before the entry deadline. I'm not really sure what possessed me to enter because I don't normally do things like that but I just had this urge and before I knew it I had sent the email. I didn't even talk to Brian about it at all. I even had this fleeting thought that he might enter it too and that would be really funny but I knew he wouldn't because he wouldn't think he would win. Anyway, they called and left a message 2 days later and said that our story had won. I was so excited, I was bawling like crazy and when I called my sister she thought something was wrong because I was crying so much. LOL....yeah so that was really awesome. When I called Brian I said "So uhhhhh.....you wanna get married next Sunday?" he said "Not particularly." Crap! Now what I am gonna do? So I told him we won a wedding and it took him about 20 mins of saying "wow!" and "holy crap!" before he finally was like "well yeah!" "I gotta get off the phone, I have people to call!" He was totally caught off guard with it all. I think he almost called it off a couple of days into it because he was so freaked out about it not being what we had planned but it turned out wonderfully! We only had to pay for the marriage license and the reception. My parents paid for the decorations and such for the reception and Brian's dad and brother paid for all of the food stuff plus a little extra. We got some money for gifts which was very nice because along with the dress, Brian's tux, the rings, cake and floral arrangement we also got a cruise for the honeymoon. I'm so excited about that because we haven't ever done anything like that and it will be sooo awesome to have a week away alone together and now we have a little spending money too. The rings are gorgeous and I can't wait for the honeymoon. This has just been awesome and I haven't been able to thank all of the people enough for everything they did for us. Now all that's left for us is baby's before growing old together....LOL....that'll be a while I'm sure. Anyway, back to the grind.