Grrrrrrrrrr.....

Ok, so can we say "Oh, grow up!!!" So I have been reading a blog of one of Brian's friends from IF. I guess just trying to keep up with the daily drama, I have no idea why I want to but I do. Anyway, so yesterday I read her blog again as she complained some more about her stupid sister in law and how she is going back to her abusive husband. Ok, so her husband has abused her many times as well. So, I posted a comment basically saying she needed to take a look at her own relationship before judging others. She got all totally butt hurt and freaked out being the total bitch that she is and now it seems she has changed her blog address just so I can't read it. All I can say is grow up and get a life if you can't take a little constructive feedback.

Now that I got that out of my system. So, today we get a bill from our landlord saying that we owe them like $150 for lawn care and a water bill. WTF!! I don't think so. First of all, the ad when we rented the place said free lawn care and they hired the people not us, we have our own damn lawn mower, if it wasn't getting mowed every week already, we'd mow it ourselves! Dumb fuckers! As for the water bill, they can screw off since we can't put the water in our name because they own the house and they have to go down to the water company and authorize us to take it over and they have never said anything about it, including when the water got shut off because they hadn't paid the bill in probably 3 months at least. $125 for the lawn care?! K, I can mow it for $15 for the whole year! Not only am I really pissed off about this whole thing but I asked Brian to call the land lord about it and he refuses because he thinks I should do it. Why the hell should I have to do it first of all, second of all I have a really hard time doing anything like that. I hate conflict and I hate calling places to do pretty much anything. I have this burn in the pit of my stomach and I feel like my heart is going to beat itself right out of my chest. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to things like that. Every time I've ever had to do anything like that all that has happened is me completely freaking out, not being able to control myself and nothing ends up getting resolved. I CAN'T DO IT!!!! I don't know why or how else to explain it, I just know that I feel like I'm going to die every time something like this comes up. He thinks he is helping me by "making" me do it. It's not, it just makes me more upset about the whole damn thing.

Puzzling

So, I'm a little puzzled today. Trying to figure out what Brian sees and I don't. I came to bed last night after getting home from work and spending a little time playing on the computer to wind down. I don't know if I woke him up when I came home but he came in the computer room and asked if I was coming to bed or something of that sort. So I did and then we laid in bed cuddled up for a while and when I was almost asleep he asked if there was something wrong. I said no. I asked him why he thought that and he just said he had a feeling and didn't know why he thought that. I think he was awake most of the night thinking. I couldn't stay awake although I tried because I was trying to figure out why he would ask that. While I have been thinking about it today I can only come to the conclusion that I must be acting different in some way. I have yet to figure out how I am acting differently.
I have been thinking a lot lately. I guess just trying to analyze things. Trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I wish I was one of those people that can just decide on something and do it and not worry about it. I am so much of a worry wart though. I swear I worry about every little thing that could possibly happen with anything. I think I have decided that I am going to do an online course through BSU to get my Pharmacy Tech certification. I think that's what I want to do until I can go through the pharmacy course through ISU. I would also really like to be able to just work part time but that's not really an option money wise right now and I also don't think it's really all that fair to Brian. I don't know, maybe it's just because I haven't been able to really spend a lot of time with Brian lately because our work schedules are completely opposite and I work weekends and he doesn't. I really like being home when he gets home and being able to make dinner and have dinner together as a family. I love the nights when I can do that. I also hate not being able to tuck my kids in at night or sing them a song before bed. I have never worked a schedule where I couldn't do that except when I was away for work but that was only for a few weeks, I have no idea when this might change. I can't stand not being able to see him and spend time with him. So, I did a test to find out my love language and I am mostly a touchy feely kind of person and my second one is spending time together, I think these two go hand in hand, you really can't have a lot of one without the other. So I think maybe that is why this has been so hard for me. Brian's schedule will be changing in a few weeks and he will be working weekends too, only problem is I still need to try and work a more regular schedule and get off weekends so that I can be with the kids, not just because I want to but because my sister isn't really going to be able to watch my kids every weekend for the next year, it is also very difficult to make trips home to visit when you don't have weekends off. Having us both work nights isn't really going to work either because either the kids have to spend the night at my sister's, where they won't really get much sleep and they will probably drive my sister and brother in law crazy or we have to pick them up after work which would be around midnight, that really isn't an option either because they have to be able to get a good nights sleep. Arghh!!!!! I hate all this shit, I just wish it could be easier. If anyone has any tips I would greatly appreciate them.