Questions.....

All I have right now is questions. Brian helped me last night in figuring out that yes I am totally insecure. What real things has J done to make me not trust him? Nothing really. I am basing my trust on the fact that I haven't seen him for a week. But when I really look at it. He was gone for a week to Texas and when he got back he spent the entire next week with me. Didn't really hang out with any of his friends or anything. Now he has just wanted to spend a week with his friends. Yes, I am jealous. I guess I do want him to spend most of his free time with me. Part of me just really wants the companionship and the other part feels like he "owes" me time because of the money I loaned him. I know the part that feels like he owes me is wrong. I should want to be with him just for the companionship. That's what a relationship is all about, having someone to share all of your life experiences with. That's the thing I hate about money. Really I couldn't give a shit about the money, if I didn't have to have it, I wouldn't, it only causes problems.
J called me at 3am this morning, we both said we were sorry. He told me that he will pay me back and that he really does love me and that by the grace of god I came in to his life and was willing to help him. He still says that he will be here today. I think my stance right now is just to proceed with caution because there have been other red flags that have come up, namely just that he would ask me to help him with money this soon in to our relationship. I think I will draw up a contract and make him sign it, with a plan of how much and when he will pay me back. I know that doesn't sound very trusting but I feel like it just has to be done to protect myself just in case. Look at it like a prenup, they are between two people that love each other enough to get married and they still draw up some protection. Hopefully I will see him today and get to spend a fair amount of time with him.