bccw123

A Long Time......

2009-02-06T19:38:00.004-07:00

Wow...I can't believe I've neglected my writing for so long. I've really been in quite the rut for a while now and it doesn't really seem to be getting better. Let me quickly update the last few months. On November 14th, 2008 I was laid off from my job at Albertsons. I really thought I was looking forward to it as I knew it was coming but in the end I have found that I'm having a much harder time with it. I am supposed to be working on my schooling for medical transcription but I'm really struggling with it because right now it's a lot of reading and trying to read when I'd really rather be in bed or a hole or doing something that makes me forget everything going on in my life right now (it's a wonder I haven't started drinking to get that). Anyway, most days I don't work on school because I just don't want to deal with it. Brian hasn't been working since around the end of September or first part of October. Christmas was very difficult because we literally had no money for any gifts. Thank god for my parents. They gave me $200 to spend on the children. Brian and I were not able to get each other anything and the kids were not able to go shopping for each other or for us. It was very difficult for me to tell the kids they would not be able to shop this year but at least they had presents under the tree. Mom and dad also gave us money to make the trip to Idaho Falls to spend time with family. This year Christmas was not my favorite holiday. Two weeks ago I had to put my beloved cocker spaniel Rooney to sleep because he was sick and the vet said the blood work showed liver disease. We put him down the day we left to go to Idaho Falls to visit Brian's ailing grandfather. We are now faced with losing our housing because we don't have the money to pay rent and all of the bills. We have been floating along on the small amount of savings we had and then loans from Brian's mom and my parents covering some items. We received student loan money but it will only pay rent for 2 months. Tax returns will be coming soon but even then Brian hasn't been able to pay his child support since we haven't been working and so we have to pay back child support for the past several months from that. At this point we are trying to get Brian and the kids through the school year. Which will probably require us moving in with his sister and her 3 kids for a few months.

After that the only option we have found is to move back to Idaho Falls and live with my parents until we are employed again. This is very bittersweet for me. I miss my parents and my extended family very much. Since we have lived in Meridian I have missed most of the family functions at grandma's house that I have become so accustomed to. I also miss my best friend a ton. The kids will be close to their dad and all of the grandparents by moving back. I am a very family oriented person and right now my sister is the only family here. The only real reasons we moved here in the first place was school and work. The schools here are much better than eastern Idaho both for the kids and for college for Brian. The job opportunities when we moved were much better also but these days that does not seem to be the case. We have a much nicer house than we had in Idaho Falls but other than that we really didn't gain anything living here. Housing is much more expensive so all of the extra money we have made went to our rent and the kids have not been able to participate in extra activities. Cheyenne would really like to dance again but those types of things are also much more expensive here. Right now as much as I love my house and all of the things we have I really want to be back at home, and I still call it that because it doesn't feel like home here. Some day I would like to own a home again and I really want another child but things are just not going our way right now and I am not going to have another child until things have leveled out and we can afford to pay for another child. I know it sounds crazy but I just don't feel like my family is complete yet.

Right now my hope is that we can somehow figure out a way to stay here so that Brian can finish school, we were hoping he could transfer to Stevens-Heneger college so he could finish sooner but if we have to move that will not be possible. School seems to be the only end to all of this for us. Once Brian has finished his degree he will be able to get a much better job and we can have a house of our own and the kids can do the things they want to do. At this rate the children will be at the end of their childhood before that happens. All of this is very frustrating. I am going to be 30 this year and I am no closer, in fact I think I'm farther away from being where I want to be. I have not had to live with my parents since I was 18 years old. I have had to ask them for help many times but I have not had to move back in with them and that terrifies me. It terrifies me because I don't want to be dependent on them for the rest of my life. They have already done so much more for me than I would have expected. I HATE having to ask them for help over and over again. I feel like the biggest failure. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and my husband but nothing has turned out the way I planned and I am certainly no where near where I want to be right now. I want to have a house of my own, be financially stable and have another child with my husband.

Ugh....ok well I'm going to try to update more often again.

Anger, hurt, saddness.......

2008-09-08T09:50:00.002-07:00

I am completely dazed and confused right now. I feel like I've been run over by an elephant. The wind has been knocked out of me and I just can't seem to get it back. This was a blow that I was really not expecting. How can someone truly and wholely love you when they do not love your children. My children are a product of me, they have been raised by me and are half me. I do not know that a relationship can sustain a blow like that. To discover that all this time it was that it was because of my son? Children are a wonderful and beautiful gift. They are never perfect but that does not mean that they cannot be loved by someone other than their parents. You don't want a child with me because you're afraid I'll produce another monster? How can you say you love me when you think that? I am absolutely stunned that you do not seem to be the man I fell in love with and that I thought you were. Was I just dreaming that that person exsisted? I should have known that our fairytale wasn't real since fairytales aren't real. No one can have a real fairytale. I'm not sure I know that person who lies next to me in bed at night. Now I don't know if I really never knew him or if I just don't know the new him.

My head is spinning in circles and I'm afraid it's going to just snap off. I can't change your feelings about him and I think that's what really hurts the most. I feel like the person I fell in love with cared about the feelings of the people they loved. The person I see now has lost that. Has hardened his shell so that nothing can get through. The person I knew before would have seen the hurt on my face and would have shown me how that hurt him. I really don't believe that I made up the person I fell in love with in my head but I am very hurt that I can't seem to find him anymore.

I cannot pretend that this revelation isn't a huge blow to our relationship. Even as I sit here at work and try to concentrate I can't help but want to drive home and find a hole to curl up in and hide and run away from all the things that hurt me. But my children are everything to me and I cannot run away from everything else without running away from them and that I also cannot do. I would do anything for my children and I have been trying to balance my happiness with theirs and doing what is right for them. I'm not sure that can happen.

I am angry and I'm hurt. But I don't blame you. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. I wanted someone to lean on and now I see that I leaned too far. I crushed the comfort that I was looking for. I have not leaned on myself near as much as I should have. You used to be that person that let me lean on them but always made me lean on myself too. I have destroyed some of the things I loved the most about you. I hope that you will forgive me for this and I hope that you can find those things again. I am so sorry that I pulled you down and that I have caused you enough pain that you had to shut down. I know you worked so hard to move past that. I will always remember how you used to love me. The years that I have know you have been some of the best and some of the worst. You were always there for me, but I fear it would have been better for you if we had only stayed friends. It's the wonderful thing about a blog. I go back and I see how you were before we started dating and how you were in the beginning. You were in such a better place then.

I don't know if this can be fixed. I cannot change your feelings toward my son. I can work on changing myself which I intend to do but I cannot fix what I have done to you.

I am so, so sorry.

I love you.

Again...

2007-10-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Is love really enough? Is this going to keep happening? 3 times in the 2 1/2 years we have been together is a lot. I don't know how to prevent this type of thing from happening again. I know I love him with all my heart. I know that it is true love. I know that I want to be married to him for the rest of my life, but is all of that enough? It scares me to think that one day it really will be over. It was bad enough to make him put a hold on our marriage license with the county clerks office. That's a pretty extreme step to take if you want to make it work. Is this the last time we will have a fight, I doubt it. I hope however that it will be the last time it goes to the extreme. I don't think I can handle it happening again. I don't want to go around in circles. Even though every time it has gone to the extreme it has been over something completely different than before I don't know that we are really making progress. I thought we had gone through this for the last time the last time it happened. Obviously I was wrong. I just want to know how to make it so this was the last time. I have this fear that we are going to come down to throwing out threats of breaking up until finally one of us just does it.

I DO love him with all of my heart. A new song by Rascal Flatts sums it up pretty well:

The Way

Think about the way the earth revolves around the sun.
Gravity holds it all in place
and keeps it all from coming undone.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

Think about how a baby cries to feel his mother's touch
and how he finally wrestled peacefully
when she finally picked him up.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

Oh they say the sky's the limit
but I say there's so much more
'cause your love takes me higher than I've ever been before.
Well the heaven's hold the stars
that's why they stay where they are.
I know why they shine the way they do.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

Just like a soldier fights for what he knows is right
he'd gladly give his last breath for freedom
and he wouldn't even think twice.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

Oh they say the sky's the limit
but I say there's so much more
'cause your love takes me higher than I've ever been before.
Well the heaven's hold the stars
that's why they stay where they are.
I know why they shine the way they do.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

Well I may not be a wise man
but I know one thing is true
that the river's only reason
is to find the ocean blue.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.
That's the way, that's the way I feel about you.

I don't understand

2007-10-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

I no longer know where I am. I thought I knew, I thought I knew where we were headed, at least a general direction anyway. I feel like I must be in some alternate universe somewhere. It can't be that I am in the same place I thought I was a week ago. I feel betrayed and hurt and sad. What happened? What went wrong? Was I wrong all along? What's wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get it right? I can't even think through my own thoughts and feelings right now. I am feeling so many things that I can't even describe right now. I never say things right. I have no words for the ache I feel in my heart.
If this was wrong God and it can't be fixed then I am done. I will pick up the pieces and help my children through this and I will not do it again.

In Response....

2007-10-15T13:34:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry that you feel like I was irresponsible and that you are hurt because I didn't spend a lot of time with you this weekend. I don't want you to feel hurt but I will not allow you to make me feel bad because I was spending time with my mother who I don't see very often anymore. There is nothing wrong with that. You were more than welcome to come with us but you cannot expect me to always do what you want to do and then be mad at me because I didn't. I love being around you and the more things we do together the happier I am. That being said I don't want you to come if you don't want to and are just going to bitch and moan the whole time, that is much worse than not having you there at all. You make it out like I am being extremely selfish and I don't care about anyone else but that is not at all the case and I think you know it. I'm sorry I spent $25 to feed my family when I didn't absolutely have to but you did the exact same thing when we went to Merrit's when I was doing the budget. I let it go and took the money out of savings for it. You know damn well that I am not a big spender and that I am even more anal about keeping money in savings than you are. How do you think I managed to keep myself and my kids going for 3 years without you. I always had money in savings, I may not have had a full pantry but we had food on the table and the kids had a nice christmas and everything else. That was all me. It really frustrates me that you act like I'm so irresponsible, from the time you handed the budget over this semester you have been watching my back and hounding me and then telling me that I have to take care of it. Well I can if I have to. I don't like it because it is stressful for me. So yes, I would rather you take care of it because you do a pretty great job of it but don't you dare say that I am irresponsible and that you have the last say on the money. Since when has it ever been that way? We have always in the past both taken the stance that the money is a joint thing that we decide on together. Whenever possible we talk to each other about spending money on just about everything. I don't feel like this should have become this huge issue that you have made it out to be. I don't go out every day and spend money. In fact I very seldomly spend any money at all. I am a huge tightwad. In general I spend less money than you do so don't lecture me about being irrepsonsible. I don't think you are irresponsible because you spend more money than I do and obviously you don't think you are either so I don't understand where you get that I am irresponsible because I didn't tell you before hand or because I spent money on something you wouldn't have.

GETTING MARRIED!!!!

2007-10-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

So it finally happened!!!! We got married on 10/7/07. I was beginning to wonder if this day would ever come. For those of you who may not be keeping up on my other half's blog, we, I should say I, won a wedding from one of the local radio stations. I decided to enter the contest after hearing the ad for it on the morning show like 2 days before the entry deadline. I'm not really sure what possessed me to enter because I don't normally do things like that but I just had this urge and before I knew it I had sent the email. I didn't even talk to Brian about it at all. I even had this fleeting thought that he might enter it too and that would be really funny but I knew he wouldn't because he wouldn't think he would win. Anyway, they called and left a message 2 days later and said that our story had won. I was so excited, I was bawling like crazy and when I called my sister she thought something was wrong because I was crying so much. LOL....yeah so that was really awesome. When I called Brian I said "So uhhhhh.....you wanna get married next Sunday?" he said "Not particularly." Crap! Now what I am gonna do? So I told him we won a wedding and it took him about 20 mins of saying "wow!" and "holy crap!" before he finally was like "well yeah!" "I gotta get off the phone, I have people to call!" He was totally caught off guard with it all. I think he almost called it off a couple of days into it because he was so freaked out about it not being what we had planned but it turned out wonderfully! We only had to pay for the marriage license and the reception. My parents paid for the decorations and such for the reception and Brian's dad and brother paid for all of the food stuff plus a little extra. We got some money for gifts which was very nice because along with the dress, Brian's tux, the rings, cake and floral arrangement we also got a cruise for the honeymoon. I'm so excited about that because we haven't ever done anything like that and it will be sooo awesome to have a week away alone together and now we have a little spending money too. The rings are gorgeous and I can't wait for the honeymoon. This has just been awesome and I haven't been able to thank all of the people enough for everything they did for us. Now all that's left for us is baby's before growing old together....LOL....that'll be a while I'm sure. Anyway, back to the grind.

The Water Pot

2007-09-06T07:06:00.000-07:00

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream."I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.

"The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

When You Say You Love Me

2007-08-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breathe.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

sigh

2007-07-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

So things are going well, I think anyway. We are getting ready to move again, I really didn't want to but we would just be stretched too thin to try and pay the rent at this place by ourselves. It will be kind of nice to have a place to our own again though. I just wish we had the money to keep having Brian go to school full time so he could finish more quickly. It's going to take forever at this rate. We're looking at something like at least 6 years to get a 4 year degree. In the mean time we both continue to make pretty small wages compared to what Brian could be making with his degree. And he'd be doing something he really loves. That's my goal too, to do something I really love. As of yet I haven't figured out what that will be but I do know that I would like to be able to only have to work the hours that the kids are in school so I can be home to see them on and off the bus, especially in these early years. This next semester is going to be really tough. Brian working 31 hours a week plus a 12 credits of classes. I don't know what's going to happen but I really hope we can keep the stress at bay so we don't end up in a real mess because of it. As it is the biggest issue I have is that I don't see us actually getting married or even officially getting engaged until Brian finishes school. This is very depressing for me. You know, it's mostly just a piece of paper that says we're married but for me I think it's more about the ceremony and the rings and those outwardly things. I want to be able to pledge my love to him in front of my friends and family and I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I didn't have that before and I definitely regret it and I want to have all of that with the one I know I am truly meant to be with. It really doesn't have to be anything fancy. I just really and truly don't want it to be 6 or 7 or 8 or more years away. I would like to have another child too and I don't want to do that until we are married. I really would rather not be in my 30's when that happens either. I just don't know what's going to happen with all of that.

Used To

2007-06-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you whenI got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.

Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.

The Mayonnaise Jar

2007-06-20T12:27:00.001-07:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else- the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," He continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So, pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled, "I'm glad you asked." It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Natural Highs

2007-06-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail and email.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someones face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Don't forget

2007-05-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

Ode To My Pillar
How can it be that love is such a motivating force? Is it really that important to the substantiation of human existence? I am beginning to believe that love will conquer all. When I feel weak, she is my iron rod. When I need time, she is my clock. When I need, she is there. I've lost my heart to a woman that is truly worthy of it's safe keeping. The reasons for my love are obvious; however, the reason for her love of me are seemingly hidden. Not saying that I'm a yellow sloth cow but the amount of love she has for me is inconceivable for my feeble mind. I know not what drives the passion, but I am grateful for it! I have never known what it is like to be lost in love, until now. To even look into her eyes lights my soul and broadens my view. Every morning when I wake up, I yearn to see her, hold her, be with her. She seems to be my pillar of strength.Yoshi was here 5/03/2005 11:26:00 AM

Do you remember these words? I do, and many others just like them. What has happened to us? Where has that gone? What are we doing? You know sometimes it is really good to go back and be able to look at some of the things in the past. Journals are good for that, but not complete enough. This is why I wish our minds could be like DVR's and we could just pick a time and go back and watch it and go over it all again when we have a different perspective. Just 2 years ago those words were said and now there are none of that kind. I want us to get back there. Back to where those are the words to describe how we feel again. I miss those words. I don't know if it's really the stress or if it is just that we seem to have this constant negative attitude toward everything. I feel the negativity constantly, I really want to change that. I can't say that this is all we need to change our feelings but I know it will change the attitude in the house and in my heart.

I have made a goal to try to stop complaining all the time. I watched an Oprah show where she had a pastor on and he started a campaign called complaint free world. It started from a thought he had for his church parish to stop complaining so he made a bracelet made for everyone in his parish. The idea was to put the bracelet on one hand and if you catch yourself complaining you have to change wrists the goal being to keep it on the same wrist for at least 21 days. Most of the people in his parish have now been able to complete this challenge and since they have been sending out the bracelets to anyone that requests them. I requested 6. One for me and then another for anyone who asks me about it and would like to try the challenge.

So I got an email back from my best friend from high school yesterday, I haven't talked to her for about 5 years, she was living in Utah and apparently she just moved to California, her husband is in the military and will be moving back in November. She is coming to our 10 year reunion so I really have to try to go. I would love to see her again. I can't believe it's our ten year!! OMG!! It's crazy! I feel like it's only been 3 or 4 years not 10. It will be interesting to see where everyone is in their lives even though I wasn't great friends with most people in high school.

Well, I will keep you up to date on my complaint progress. I haven't actually received the bracelets yet and it still might be a little while before I do but I'm going to get started without it.

I miss it

2007-05-01T15:28:00.001-07:00

I miss my friends. I miss having a life. It just seems that since we moved I have had neither. I left my best friends in IF and when I go visit there is just never enough time. I dread every trip we make now. I hate going. I have to fight over who to spend time with when and doing what. We really don't have the money or the time to do some of the things I would like to do. I miss my mom and the weekend shopping trips and having dinner every Sunday at their house. I miss talking to her on a regular basis. I miss Laurellee and going over to her house for dinner or her and the kids coming to mine and just hanging out laughing and talking and having fun. I have friends here but not close friends, no one I really want to go hang out with all of the time and spend lots of time with. I do appreciate them but I really only see them and talk to them at work and they are all much older than I am. My sister is here but I just can't talk to her like I can my mom and my close friends. She is too judgemental. I really have no support system here and I don't know how to deal with it. I think of all my friends and family I miss Brian the most. I miss spending hours on the phone talking and laughing and goofing around and the practical jokes and oh my god how he used to make me laugh. I find myself laughing less and less. He always used to be able to make me laugh. Even when I didn't want to laugh. He had a way of making me feel special for no apparent reason and always treated me with respect and made me feel like I could do anything. I want that back. You know we moved here for more opportunities and better school options and jobs. We have that but at least for me personally I think I had a much richer life there. I had so much less in physical things but I had good friends and family close by. I think those things are so much better and more important. Am am at a loss though, because the schools here are much better and the kids deserve more than what can be offered to them in IF. I cannot take that away from them for my own selfishness. I have contemplated this many times recently. It's just not an option. I do think that we need to find a cheaper place to live here. It won't be nearly as nice and probably won't have a yard and will be small but that would lessen the financial burden we have now and maybe the kids could do some other activities like dance and sports. I just want them to have a good and fullfilling life and be able to grow and be sucessful.

It's been a while

2007-04-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah so it's been quite a while since I posted. I've been meaning to for weeks but have just kind of dreaded it. Not all full of happiness right now but I've got to write. I have to find myself and right now all I'm doing is fighting with myself about what is right for me and what is not. I really can't seem to figure out how to tell the difference. I don't trust most of my feelings right now. It's hard to define what is just blurring my vision and what is the real thing. I know that I am in love but that's about it right now. Move away from that and try to define anything else and I get completely lost. I want so bad to know where I am and where I am heading but I can see none of that right now. I can't really even see the past. Do you ever wish you could rewind and replay some of the parts of your life so you can look at it better and see the things you missed the first time? I wish I could do that sometimes so I could figure out some of the stupid things that I have missed the first time and some of the great things too. When you get so wrapped up in yourself it's hard to find your way out of the jungle you create. I know I have missed so many good things. I continue to miss so many things with my kids. Even though they are right in front of me. I will change this. I am determined to.

We listened to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus last fall and it gave some good insights to things that each of us go through. All of the sudden he is in his "cave" (for those of you who haven't read the book this is where men go with there thoughts and want to be left alone) he tells me this when I ask what is wrong after several days with him acting unlike himself. I have been trying very hard to give him his space and not bother him about it as he says he will talk to me about it when he is ready but now it seems like he is using this as an excuse for his shitty behavior towards me. No matter what you are going through or sorting through in your "cave" there is absolutely no excuse to talk to me like I dirt on your shoe and then turn around when it's convenient for you and be all lovey with me. I am not here for your convenience or to serve you or do everything at your will. When we talk about something it is ALWAYS at your will and now all of the sudden when I am upset with you about something you just throw this "I'm in my cave leave me alone" shit at me. Well too bad, it's not all about you and I can't just save everything I'm upset about up so we can talk about it when you come out. I have no way to know when that will even happen it could be months down the road and I'm not willing to wait that long. Things need to be worked out and discussed in a timely manner, for me that's pretty much right away, if that doesn't happen then I will fume over it for days and then when I finally stop fuming I will push it aside for a time and when it comes back it comes back twice as bad. I will not continue to do this. I will not let myself be controlled, I am the only one who has control of me. This is not going to happen again. I told myself before that I will not let it happen again and it has and I have to put my foot down now or it will never end. I will continue this cycle for the rest of my life. I can't be happy this way and I will not let my kids down, I have to be a better model for them. I will not let this go on.

OMG!!!! I LOVE RASCAL FLATTS!!!!

2007-03-09T00:16:00.000-07:00

That was the best concert!!!!! It was sooooooo much fun. Jen and I went and it's the first time we've ever done anything like that together. We didn't have the greatest seats in the world but the guys made up for that when they rode this little piece of the stage over to another small stage and they sang a-capella and acoustic and it was outstanding!!!! I have no voice now because I screamed so much. I can't whistle loud so I have to scream cause I can do that super loud. LOL Anyway, it was absolutely so much fun I can't even tell you. I have to give props to Brian for surprising me with a ticket. He set it all up with my sister so we could go. They are my favorite group and I was dying to see them again. I love you hunny!!!! We tried damn hard to get backstage but no one ever grabbed us to go so I guess we'll have to try harder next time and we will definitely be getting better seats next year. They really put on an awesome show, I just have to say. Jason Aldean opened for them and he was really good too. Jen's going out tomorrow to get his album. Anyway, I have no voice and am really tired now so I'm heading to bed. Night y'all!!!!

YAY! uhhh kinda.....

2007-02-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

Well it starts today. I'm both scared and excited. I'm super tired today too so that makes me more nervous about it but if I don't start now I won't do it. There will always be some excuse. I really want this though. I want to feel better and have more energy and I know that if I do this then all of the things about myself that I want to fix I will be able to do just by doing this one thing. It will really start the ball rolling but only if I stick to it. Support at home is pretty much nill, Brian doesn't think I can do it. All I get is negative vibes from him over it. I don't think he realizes how much his support means. I have no doubts about the fact that this will be difficult and every little bit helps. I hope to have more support from my sister since we'll be doing it together. I know that once I start to lose inches from my waist it will really help motivate me. I really can't wait to start seeing results. I think I'm going to start trying to plan meals better, like at least a week in advance. I think that will help with the schedule as well as keeping me in check with what I eat. That's another area I really have to work on. I have changed some of my eating habits but I still have more to change.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

I am so freaking out right now. I have no idea why. I feel like the world is imploding on me. I want to just run away and hide under my blanket and go to sleep until it ends. I can't think straight and my brain can't seem to grasp anything right now. I just feel like something is horribly wrong and I no reason for it. I feel like there's something wrong with me. What is the problem? I want to cry for absolutely no reason at all. I can't figure this out. Why is it that I feel the need to carry all of the burden for everyone? What is my problem? When it comes to my own things I guess it's because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. My family just tells me about everything I'm doing wrong or that I need help or this or that. They never understand anything that I'm going through. Every time some little thing happens all my sister can do is tell me that there's something wrong with my kids or that I need to see someone about it or whatever. First of all, you don't have to see someone for everything, lord knows she doesn't. Second of all I can't afford to go see someone for every little thing. I can't afford much of anything right now. We pay our bills and keep food on the table and gas in the car and that's about it. I'm never going to get married because we can't afford a ring let alone a wedding of any kind. I can't talk to my parents because I feel like a failure every time I have anything go wrong and the things that I've had to tell them about just make me feel worse. Brian has his own stuff to deal with and I'm trying to help with that and my best friend lives in IF and I only talk to her every once in a while and she's usually pretty busy so I'd rather not talk to her about my problems. I don't know what else to do. I'm lost.

Wow! I finally finished and WARNING very personal information and probably a lot of TMI

2007-01-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ok so this one may end up being pretty long and I can guarantee it's going to take a while to write. So anyway, I was thinking today. I don't know why this came up in my head but for some reason I was thinking back to my rebellious times when I was 17 and all the things that happened and how they happened. I began to recall the day I lost my virginity. I had lied to my parents and said I would be spending the night at a friends house, instead I went to this guys house, he was 21, I was 17. I was looking for sex. I wanted it to be special but I think I knew that it wouldn't be, I had only known this guy a couple of weeks and had gone to his house several nights a week after school. Mom & dad would have lost their minds had they known what I was doing. I think dad knew I wasn't spending the night at a friends that night because he tried to call me at their house, which he never did. When he found out I wasn't there he tried to page me, of course I didn't call him back. The next morning I went to another friends house and called him from there and said that I didn't hear my pager because it was on silent and I didn't have it on me so I didn't know he had called until that morning, he paged probably 30 or 40 times. I told him I had ended up going to this friends house instead. Let me just say that this is what I thought would be one of the best nights of my life up to that point and I was sadly mistaken. It turned out to be the start of a rolling disaster. Now, I will say that as I was recalling the things of my past that I much regret and the pain I put myself and my family through I also thought about if I was given the chance to change things would I? My answer is no. I know that I would not be the person I am today without those experiences and I also know that I would not have the kids I have if those things had been changed. I would never trade my kids for anything in the world.

Now I have to go back a bit. While I was pondering the thought of changing things past, I thought to myself that if I had the chance to change things maybe instead I could just see how my life would have been different if I had done things differently. That would be an interesting thing to see I think because although I would not change what I have done it might still be intriguing and enlightening to see what things would be like now if I had done the things I had planned or thought would be the right decisions to make. As I analyzed all of those things that I had questioned in my life I began to notice a pattern. I had this huge epiphany and discovered the pattern that I have been following.

When I began dating again after the divorce I told myself that I was going to be careful and really get to know the men I dated before I jumped in to bed. In fact I even tried to tell myself that I had to wait until we had been together a minimum of 6 months and that it would have to be extremely serious before I would even consider it. Of course I couldn't tell myself that I wouldn't think about it since it was something that at that point had become almost a daily thought. I guarantee you that I am not a nympho but I think that at some point, especially after a divorce you really start thinking about it a lot. I realized though that part of the problem was that I have been scared by my sexual past. I had many things happen that I had never wanted to happen. I think most of these issues came from my lack of self esteem. I try to consider myself a very strong willed person and try to come off as very confident in myself. When it comes to some things I am extremely confident but with most things I truly am not even as much as I try to pretend I am. I think sometimes I try to pretend I am thinking that if I just keep pretending I am I will become that way. But that is just a dream. So back to the cycle. I realized that when I was 17 I had a horrible self esteem, I wanted to be my own person and pushed very hard to be different from all the people around me but at the same time I yearned to to like them because I was shunned by them and longed to be liked. My thoughts were well if I just lose some weight then people will like me, because when you are that age looks are something that matters. I have always thought that I had a beautiful face and eyes and if people could just look at me from the chest up I was in the clear. But I truly hate my body. So, my mom thought she would help me to lose weight by taking me to the doctor and I started on the diet drugs phen-phen. It was not long before I started dropping the pounds, in the first 4 months I took them I lost about 50 lbs. I felt great and I looked great and people were taking a lot of notice. Especially the guys, which was something I had wanted for so long. I think that I thought if I didn't have interest from guys then I was nothing. I had guy friends but I wanted more than that. I wanted what every woman wants and what most seem to find allusive. Romance, or what I thought of as romance anyway. Romance like you see in the movies. The problem is that there really is no such thing. The reason they don't go on about what happens after the end of the movie is because living "happily ever after" is all a fairy tale. We wish that it could really be that way but it can't because we wouldn't grow if it weren't hard. We have to have our times when we are down and struggling in order to grow as a person and hopefully in the end we will have become a good person or even better a great person. We will never be perfect. You see the thing is I didn't want to see it that way until recently. Even though I really knew the truth about it I didn't want to believe it and embrace it. So as I went on my merry way thinking things were going to be great now that I had a beautiful body and I felt like I could show it off I found myself doubting that any guy would like me if I didn't show him my body. I felt like it was a must to do anything he asked when it came to that but at the same time I knew that I didn't want to do that and I knew I didn't want to conform to anything I still wanted to be different, I wanted that to be what people liked about me but because I didn't feel good about me I couldn't actually believe that anyone else would. SO I ended up in bed with men I said no to and they pushed just a little and I gave in. Then the first guy who didn't keep pushing and actually half respected my thoughts and feelings I ended up marrying I think because I thought if I didn't I would lose my chance.

Once I realized the marriage just wasn't going to work, I was relieved and scared and sad and angry and pretty much every emotion possible. It was a horrible thing to go through but I am glad I did because I am so much better off now than I was when I was with him. So I waited about 2 years before considering dating again. This was a good thing, I focused on my kids and my friends but I don't think I really focused on me. I think it's important to analyze your failed relationships but I don't think I really have, especially my marriage. I mean to some extent I have but not to the extent I really should. This is something I still have to do. This week I have unexpectedly begun to analyze a lot of things in my life starting here. When I did start looking for men to date I now realize that I ended up in the same basic predicament I was in before. I was trying to be confident and be different and be myself and I wanted men to like me for me, not for my body. I believe me after having 2 kids and not exercising and eating healthy my body is not looking good. I am heavier than I have ever been and I struggle with that daily. I started trying to meet men online because meeting them in person was just not happening. Like it was in high school I was able to have several guy friends but nothing that was ever more, even as much as I wanted it to be. I found myself falling into a crush for every guy that I became friends with. As time went on I would get over it and just be friends and I was fine with that but I was still always on the lookout for more. My first date was with a guy about my size, I had seen his picture and he wasn't bad, seemed pretty nice so we went out to dinner and then miniature golf. I had 3 of my best friends at the time with me. Laurellee, Charlie and Laura. Laurellee's husband came along too but I didn't know him very well at the time. I think the guy was extremely intimidated by my friends and he was extremely quiet and a bit shy. I had a great time with my friends and felt bad that the guy just didn't seem to fit in well with us. So the next day I told him we wouldn't be going out again. He was hurt because he apparently really liked me. The next guy was a DJ at a radio station in Montana, he was really nice. Had a young daughter and was older than me which was something I was looking for because I wanted someone more mature. He came to see me several times and we talked on the phone a lot. He was nice enough but there were just a lot of things that just weren't going to work. I also had a hard time accepting the fact that he didn't want to have sex when I offered it. This was pretty devastating to me at the time because now as I look back at it I can see that I was so insecure that I think I really thought that was the only way I was going to keep him wanting to see me more. That was not what he wanted at all. Unlike a lot of men sex was not a priority. I wish sometimes that I had seen that earlier because I could have learned more about myself and maybe worked on it a little more.

I find myself trying to avoid finishing this blog. I am really trying to force myself to do it. I am going on a week now but I believe that it is important for me to finish writing it because I think it will help me in my journey to find myself. I think that is really where I am right now, trying to find myself, finally. It is something I keep trying to avoid and oh am I good at it. I think after this first large post you will find many smaller ones and maybe a few large ones soon to follow. Writing my thoughts has really been helpful and makes me work through them. Apparently studies have said that actually writing rather than typing is supposed to be more beneficial but I can barely sign my name without having huge hand cramps never mind writing a damn novel. Anyway, must focus on the task at hand. This is such a difficult thing. So I think the vast majority of my issues regarding my whole life are centered around my insecurity. I think all my life I have just felt like I have let everyone down. When I was in school my school work was how I made myself feel better and made myself worthy of my friends and family's love. Whenever there was any doubt that I had done well I had to fight back because that was what made things ok. I fought about very insignificant things. I still do. In the past I have just attributed this to my being strong willed but I think it's more than that. I think that has just been my way of rationalizing it. I do believe that I am strong willed but only on things that suit my purpose. I do have my opinions of things that I feel very strongly about and I definitely try to protect those opinions but those aren't the things I'm talking about. I'm talking about the little stupid things that I refuse to be wrong about because I feel like if I am then there is more wrong with me. I shouldn't ever be wrong. For me it's just not natural. So when it comes to men I think part of how I end up self destructing is because I refuse to be wrong so with all of those men who were wrong that I should have never been with in the first place I ended up continuing because I couldn't be wrong and if I got out of the situation or the relationship then I was wrong, I screwed up again. Now here I am with the man of my dreams and I am sabotaging it by refusing to ever be wrong. It seems like I am just is such a hole now. Things really have been great lately and I think that is why I have been able to start looking at these things. I know I have to continue to do this. Analyze and sort through my feelings and my thoughts so that I can find a way to get past them or fix the ones that need fixed. The problem now is that Brian is in school and has a lot of his own stresses to deal with and I want to be able to help him sort through his things but at the same time I really need his support to sort through mine. Right now he is really my only support mechanism. My best friend is in IF and I talk to her on the phone but it's just a lot different than being able to talk in person and there is no way my mom or my sister would understand. I think my mom would be better than my sister but I'm much to ashamed of so many of the things I have done in the past to tell my mother. Maybe once I am able to get through a lot of this. It would be kind of nice to be able to tell her and talk to her about it. I just feel like it is completely unfair of me to want him to support me and help me through this when he has all of his things he is dealing with. So far I am doing pretty ok with what I have sorted through so far but this I think has been a very easy part. Ok, well I think I have finally gotten all of the major things I wanted to get out, out. Now comes the hard part, moving forward. Wish me luck.

Thoughts

2007-01-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

Things are weird for me right now, I am with the man of my dreams and we have lived this total fairy tale love story up until the last several months. Sometimes I have to wonder if he still thinks I am the woman of his dreams, make no mistake I know he loves me. I never imagined the kind of love we have had. Our love has changed and evolved as I knew it would, for me it's grown stronger and even though we have our tough times, and those seem to be most of the time right now, I feel like my love for him grows stronger every day. What I thought could never happen is that every time he gets upset with me over something I feel like he questions his love for me. In the beginning it was me, I was the one questioning how much I loved him and was it enough, he always reassured me that I did and it was. Now it seems the rolls have been reversed. I know that when I felt that way it was because I had been scorned once before and I was so scared of it happening again, I finally realized that I was pushing him away because of my being scared, I was so scared that I didn't want to get any closer so I wouldn't have to get hurt. Now I am afraid I may have realized that too late. I am trying hard to stay strong and continue to believe that in the end he will again believe that we are meant to be together. Today has been a good day. We seem to have back what we had before, the interaction, the touching, oh that simple touch. I have truly missed that. Those simple touches have always been such a reassurance for me. I have never before felt the way I feel when he brushes his hand across mine or puts his arms around me while I'm cooking or runs his fingers through my hair. I feel so in love, I feel so loved. My biggest wish is to know that he has no more doubts about us being together, that he knows how much I love him and that we will be married and grow full heads of gray hair together as we have talked about so many times.
To my love:I hope that someday soon you will again lean on me when times are hard and you are stressed, I hope that I will not cause you additional stress or pain. I hope to have more nights like we used to have when we stayed up until 4 in the morning talking until one of us fell asleep or had to go to sleep so they could get up at 6 and drive to take a flight and come home from a long trip. I hope that in the future we will have more good days than bad and most of all I hope that you will forever love me and that you know that no matter what happens I will forever love you.

It's over

2006-12-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

Christmas is over, the new year is coming fast. On Christmas eve I was beginning to think my Christmas was going to totally suck. I was pleasantly surprised when I got up and we opened presents, the kids were super excited even though Brian had to wake them up...LOL. I got some great things from my kids and Brian did a good job too. I got a paraffin wax thing so you can dip your hands and feet and elbows and such to make them softer, I've wanted one for a long time, just never bought myself one, that was really awesome! So we have 5 kids running through the house right now, let me just say, HOLY CRAP!!! Summer is such a big cutie! She is soooo sweet and is at that age where everything she says is just cute. Ethan is almost always very quiet doesn't talk much and when he does you can't understand most of what he says and he doesn't really do very much except try to annoy Jordan and Summer. But so far he actually seems to act more like a kid, talking more, although you still can't understand him well, and running around and playing with his toys and all that kind of stuff. He's a funny kid, it's really hard to get a gist of his real personality though because his mom really tries to suppress him, it seems like he's always drugged up for something. Jordan has a hard time with me since he realized that I'm not going away. He doesn't like to listen to me at all. He's smart as a whip though. Wish he was in a better school so he could really excel. Anyway, so yeah, we have a house full and will be having some friends coming tonight to stay a day or 2 so we'll have like 6 adults and 7 kids running around, it's gonna be totally crazy but I think it will be fun. So this coming weekend we make the trip to IF to do the Christmas thing there. I can't wait we haven't been there since the week before thanksgiving so it will be super nice. Hopefully we won't be running to 90 different places this time. Well, back to work I go. Hope everyone enjoys their New Years!

Dream....uhh...more like nightmare!

2006-12-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so yeah, last night, I had this crazy dream (yeah another one) I seem to be full of these lately. But anyway, So in this dream I had a tooth ache and and went in the bathroom to look at my teeth and my left bottom incisor had something stuck in it so I went to pull it out and low and behold it was a $10 bill, yeah the whole thing! I was like...what? So, then I pulled it all the way out and my tooth was like all black and cut in half and part of it was falling out, it was totally gross....ewwwwwwwwww! Then, I'm looking at my other teeth and they are all nasty and snagly and gross! So, yeah this morning my teeth kind of feel funny and I keep wanted to check them and make sure they are all ok. Let me just note that my teeth have NEVER been all rotten and nasty. I have had 1 cavity my whole life and that was only 3 years ago and it was really little. So, yeah anyway, just had to write about that. LOL.

Christmas time

2006-12-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

So it's that time of year again, Christmas time, that is. Generally this is my favorite time of year. This year has been a little different. You know it's funny last year, we were worse off financially then we are this year but last year was so amazing, I love getting things for my family and seeing the looks on my kids faces when they open their presents and want to play with everything as soon as they open it. I love being with my family and hanging out and eating and laughing and just having a good time. Last year I was even very surprised because I actually got several things that had a lot of time and thought were put in to them. I try to do that for everyone I shop for, sometimes it is hard if you don't know the things people like or really want or need and sometimes it's hard because people have everything they want or need except things that are really expensive, of course hopefully for those people you can figure out something or go in on something big with someone. Like my parents this year, it's really hard to buy for them, especially my dad, he's picky and if he wants something he just goes out and buys it. They have needed a new microwave for about 15 years now, theirs is seriously like using rocks and hammers to prepare dinner, it's from the stone age!! Mom wanted something about the same size they have, which is huge, and dad just doesn't think they really need one since the old one is still running. You know except that you have to cook things 3 times as long as they say on the package, there is no defrost option, the timer doesn't work anymore, except all that, it actually turns on, so it's got to be good! LOL...not!!! So anyway, Brian found this really nice one online and we went in on it with my sister and my mom is going to love it, dad will probably think it's fine but it's no big deal to him. See that took some thought and looking. I try to do that for my kids and every one else I buy for. In the past I have always had to buy my own Christmas presents to have under the tree at home, I don't like buying things for myself anytime for the most part and I really hate buying my own presents for Christmas or birthdays or whatever. The only reason I do buy things for Christmas is so the kids don't think that
Santa hasn't brought me anything. Is it really too much to ask that if someone is going to get me something and I say you know, I'd like some of these types of things or I need something like this, that they just take that and use it to think of something to get me? I really don't even care if I get presents I just want to know that I am cherished and thought about and having me pick exactly what I am getting doesn't really make me feel that way, it makes me feel like you think you are required to get me something. That's not the case, if you don't want to put in the time and thought then don't get me anything. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great holiday and we'll see you next year!!!

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's difficult to describe how I feel right now. I talked to the mom last night, she made me feel better and actually got me back to a point where I could think again. I am grateful for that. I'm sorry that this became such a big issue. It is not what I wanted. I'm not sorry that I am hurt over this, I will not be sorry for my feelings. I am sure that any other woman you asked would feel the same way I did about your comment. I felt like you were personally attacking me and my daughter, that is the reason I was hurt by the comment. I am sorry for my yelling and losing control of my thoughts. I hate feeling that way, I hate that I let myself get to that point. I hate that I hurt you and made you upset and that you couldn't study. I don't want to hurt you. I feel like we have both put too much stress on each other. I know that I feel overwhelmed as I'm sure you do too. I don't know how to fix this, we are going to have stress, we can't avoid it. But I think we have both been putting it on each other while trying to deal with it. I love you with every part of my being. I love you undeniably and that will never change. I feel as if you are shutting down your feelings and putting up a wall, I don't want that. I hope that we can work on this together during the semester break. I know it's not a long time but if we can figure out a plan on how to deal with the stress before it starts again I hope that we will be able to move forward and deal with these things reasonably as they come up. I love you.

2006-12-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

There used to be a time when you actually cared when I felt like you gave a shit about my feelings. those days seem so far away now. you say horrible hurtful things to me and don't even care how it affects me. I want things back the way they were before, there are so many mean and hurtful things that I wish I could say to you to get you back but I can't because I love you so much, I don't want things to be this way. You have hurt me in a way that I can't even describe with words, my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest and torn open with a dull knife, that really doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. I just want to hate you, I wish that I could, it would probably be so much easier. You have been my best friend and I so badly do not want to lose you. I hate that you would treat me this way, I never thought that would ever be possible. It seems like ever since you started school you have let the stress come between us. I knew that it would be hard and it would be stressful but I didn't think that it would come to this. I am sitting here right now with so many tears in my eyes that I can barely make out what I am writing. I half expect you to come down the stairs and tell me how sorry you are and how much you love me but I know that's not going to happen. The book I have been reading says that I should state my unrealistic expectations and I think that's it. You're probably already asleep without any care as to how I am feeling right now, only worried about the exam you have in the morning. That should be all you are worried about. I didn't want it to turn out like this, all I wanted was to talk about it. To feel like you heard me to know you care about my feelings. Lately it seems like everything is about you. I don’t want to lose you, I love you but I want to feel cared about again

I miss having friends......

2006-11-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

I really miss Laurellee and my mom sooooo much, they are two of my best friends. I talk to them on the phone when I have time and when I remember but it's just not the same, I miss going to mom & dad's on Sundays and having dinner and just hanging out, and going shopping with mom even though I usually don't buy anything and I really don't like shopping. It's just one of those things that mom and I always did and I loved it. I got to spend tons of time with her. I can always confide in Laurellee, she always has something to say about everything and even when she makes me feel bad, she makes me feel better, and can make me laugh like crazy. I'm worried about them both. Mom is getting older and still smoking, although she hasn't had any major health issues but I don't see her or talk to her like I used to and it really makes me sad. Laurellee seems to be going through some rough times with her health, she keeps having something go wrong. I wish I could be there for her, to help her when Brian can't be there and when she really needs a friend. I hate that I can't just run over to her house and hang out whenever. I miss having friends that I could just hang out with whenever things were rough or I needed a laugh or just to go have a good time. I have none of that here. I have Brian and yes that is a lot and I couldn't do it without him. He is also my best friend. But it's different. He has friends to go hang out with, friends from work and Booboo that moved here a few months back, and his brother and of course his mom. I have friends at work, but none of them are under the ripe old age of 40. I can relate to some of the things they talk about but for the most part they are really nice ladies but no one I would go just hang out at their house or have them come hang out at mine. I have my sister but we very seldom get to do much together, she has a pretty hectic schedule and Brian hates it when I go over there. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to live in IF again, I really hate that area. I just miss my family and friends so much. I decided not to go to IF for Thanksgiving this year. I am really having a hard time with that decision. I really wanted to be able to have a long weekend at home so I don't feel like I need a vacation from my vacation every time we have a long weekend. So we are going to IF this weekend for just a 2 day trip. Brian really makes me mad some times. He is all about we can't leave until his homework gets done but yet he makes no effort to make sure it will be done in a timely manner, he is already 2 days behind on his homework and has done absolutely nothing tonight and then decides not only is he not doing any homework tonight, he's going to go play pool. WTF!!!!! I am pissed off beyond belief. Normally he's the one all over me because we need to leave because he wants to get there at a decent time and now that I'm the one pushing him he just doesn't give a shit. He's so hypocritical sometimes. GAWD it pisses me off!!!

2006-08-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry. I cannot begin to express how sad and upset and frustrated I am with myself and my coping skills. I don't want to lose you. I cannot lose you. I can't. I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way. I don't want to hurt you, I never intended to do that. I don't know how to handle my feelings some times. I feel so much like you completely ignore my feelings some times. I'm not saying that you mean to do that because I know you don't but I don't know how to get through to you. I'm sorry you feel like I am being selfish, that is one thing I have always tried never to be. I love you more than I can ever possibly express. I am so afraid of who I will become with out you. You are the one I want to be with every day for the rest of my life. We have to find a way to work this out, I want us both to be happy. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to fight ever again. I wish I could find the words to express all of the things I am feeling right now but I don't know how. I'm asking for your help. Please. I love you with every piece of my being.

2006-07-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

so it's been a while since the last time I updated but I decided it was time for an update that wasn't quite such a downer. It's seems like lately every time I feel like blogging it's because I am pissed off about something. I need to stop doing that so much. Need to get some other good stuff on here too. So this weekend we took 3 days off work and went to IF for Brian's family reunion. It was definitely interesting to say the least but the kids had a ton of fun and I am starting to see Cheyenne open up so much. It used to be that if we ever went anywhere that there were people she didn't know she would cling to me like a leach on a reattached limb. She always drove me crazy because I couldn't move but the last 3 or 4 times we've gone some where with lots of people she didn't know she was off playing first thing and had a ball the entire time. It is so refreshing to see her open up and start being so much more independent. This has been a pretty awesome trip. It kind of sucked to start out with because my sister had been in town the whole week and she was staying with my parents so instead of it being just our 5 kids it was going to be 7 kids and then 8 today but it turned out that we didn't end up having the 2 little ones over night so Brian and I slept in the camp trailer which actually would have been really nice since my parents trailer is freaking awesome and we had the air turned on but the bed is teeny tiny compared to our king size at home but other than that it was awesome. Dad has it parked out in his new shop that is huge-mungus, he didn't have the jacks down the first 2 nights and we felt like we were sleeping in a boat so finally last night we asked him to put the jacks down because we couldn't stand it any more, let me just say, much better! All in all the weekend turned out pretty good and for once I didn't feel like we drove over and turned around and came back. I hate it when we have to do that. Oh! So we made an appointment for the Escape at Broadway Ford to have the driver's seat belt fixed, because the latch sticks and you can't get out, and the AC looked at, because it's not consistent and gets warm some times. So anyway we had an appointment at 10 am on Saturday and the guy said oh I only have one other appointment that's coming in earlier so I can get you in and out pretty quick so we get there and asked if they could have it done by the latest at 12 and he was all no way can't do it. So we rescheduled for Monday since we had the reunion on Saturday. So we take it in first thing today and the said they should have it done by 3 at the latest. 4:30 comes around and we still haven't heard from them and have had to borrow Brittney's car all day so we drive over there and find out that they have just put it in the shop. Long story short they didn't fix the Ac, said they couldn't find a problem or the seat belt because they can't repair those things they have to just replace them, they couldn't get it to stick and they don't keep those parts in stock, he should have just told us that when we called about the appointment since the only reason we were having them look at the AC was because they are the only ones who can fix the seat belt. Anyway, they had the damn truck all day and an oil change is the only damn thing they did. FREAKING JACKASS's! So yeah like I said it was still a pretty awesome trip. We are on the way home right now, it's 11:47 pm as I am typing this so we'll be home super late and the house will be hot because the AC in the house quit working the night before we left, hasn't been fixed yet, big change there with our landlord's. Oh, there's a whole nother can of worms that I won't bore you with at the moment, quick story we may or may not be moving out depending on if the owner of the property takes over managing it. We'll see. So this one is getting pretty long but I think I'll go on a bit more. Laurellee and I started talking about the wedding plans a bit while we were visiting, there are so many things that I want to do and we've set the date for next August but I don't even have a ring or an official proposal yet. It really kind of sucks because I'm just afraid it's not going to happen by the date we set and then we'll just have to keep waiting. It's not like I can't wait because I can but I know that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Brian and I just want to make it official and have the wedding that I've wanted and be able to show off my ring and share the same name. It's scary and there are still things that we have to work out but I know we will and it may be tough for a while during Brian's school years but it will be so worth it at the end, the end just seems so far away. I can hardly believe that it has been nearly a year and a half since we got together. It's been so amazing. I think the fairytale feeling is starting to wear off although some of it still sticks around. I hope things will get a little easier to figure out as we go along. Ok well my hands are starting hurt on this keyboard, not used to the laptop yet, so I'm gonna sign out for a bit, might be back later. TTFN

2006-07-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we constantly fight about every stupid little thing but we can seem to figure out the seemingly difficult things. What an absolutely stupid thing to get pissed at me for this afternoon because I didn't come and get the table cloth right the very second you asked me to. This is not something that is going to change I am not your slave and I will do things on my own time. You know this about me, you have always known this about me. I don't know what you want from me. I don't want to fight over things that are so trivial but it seems like to me at least that they turn in to things a lot more important. Why do you get mad at me for not getting out on your time but you can't seem to help get things loaded and then whenever I try to talk to you about these things you "don't want to talk about it". How can we solve any of these issues if we never talk about them? You asked the other day why I haven't said anything to you when I'm pissed about something, well this is the exact reason. You either "don't want to talk about it" or we end up in a huge fight and even then nothing ever gets solved because we go in circles over and over again and it just pisses us both off more. I just don't know what else to do anymore, I'm at a complete loss.

Where do we go from here?

2006-06-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to go now. I'm tired of going over the same old things too but I guess it feels like the only thing that we can do right now because we are spinning our wheels and I can't just not do anything because that would be giving up. I can't give up either. It really would be easier to do that but it's not what I want. I love you like I never thought I could love anyone. I didn't think this kind of love really existed. In some ways I would love for things to go back to the way they were in the begining but in other ways I don't because then we would still be stuck in that "honeymoon" stage and still not going anywhere. I hate that we have to go through this and I know that having a good relationship takes a lot of work but I'm so afraid that I'm going to just give in to the easy way as things get harder and I don't want to do that. I want you to know that I am on your side and always will be. Apparently you don't always feel that way but please believe me when I say it because it is true. I love you with more than I thought I had to love with and I can't give up on that. We have to find a way to get through this. Please help me learn to trust myself and to trust that you won't leave.

Confused

2006-05-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am so confused.....I feel lost and afraid. I'm afraid of the things I might say, I'm afraid of the things I've thought, I'm afraid to talk to you, I'm afraid to look at you.....I'm afraid of losing you. It was so magical and amazing in the beginning and sometimes still is but slowly I feel myself losing you. I feel like everything is going so well one minute and maybe we've fixed some things and then it all changes again and I feel like you're not even there any more. Some times I feel like you just don't care, at least that's how it comes across to me. When I'm upset about something I think it's usually pretty obvious that I'm upset and I'm thinking about things but like today when we talked you said you were frustrated too but then you act as if nothings wrong and everything should be just like normal. But for me it's not. I can't just go back to everything being the same if nothing got solved, we never came to a conclusion or a solution or even a we'll come back to this tomorrow or at 7 tonight, the conversation ended when we stopped at the house and it seems like you just moved on like nothing ever happened. How can I feel secure when I'm not even sure your thinking about it? Every time I think about this issue or any of the stupid things we've argued about lately I just want to go to bed so I can stop thinking about it and being mad about it, it's exhausting for me. Every time we talk about this you tell me you can't talk about it because you don't have a solution but it seems like it's been forever, it's really been more like 2 or 3 months but I just don't see that anything is happening and waiting this long for you to be able to talk about it is just too long for me. I have been trying so hard to give you space and time to think about things as you need to but at least right now I can't give you 2 or 3 months, I'm having a hard enough time giving you 1 or 2 days. It never ends for me until I can talk about it and at least know that something is going to come of it. I can't get it out of my head, whatever the issue is. The book talks about me letting you go in to your cave and trusting that you will be back but I think right now the problem is I don't know that you are there. You have to give me something to hold on to while your gone. I feel like there are things you want from me too but I can't ever seem to find out what because we get stuck every time we try to talk about that kind of thing. I don't feel like you cherish me the way you used to.

Why the fuck.....

2006-04-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

can't you get it through your head that I shouldn't have to hit you over the head to get you to pay attention to me when I talk to you. If you hear me talking either stop what you're doing and listen to me or ask me to stop and tell you when you are done doing whatever is so important that you can't listen for 2.3 seconds. God it just pisses me off to no end when you sit there and tell me that I need to make sure I get eye contact with you when I am trying to talk to you. That is not always possible and when I am trying to ask you something fairly small you should be able to listen to me. If I have to "get your attention" every single time I say anything, I'll just be trying to get it all the damn time, I shouldn't have to do that. You could be standing there staring at me and not hear a damn word I said sometimes and that really makes me feel like dirt when you do that! Jesus, why can't you at least acknowledge that something came across my lips, that you saw them move or heard at least the wind come out of my mouth! I swear that every time I talk, if you don't think it's important than you just completely blow me off. Thing is you don't know if it is "important" until you know what I said!!! And then I try to talk to you about it and all you can do is get all pissed off and tell me that it's my fault because I didn't get your fucking attention!! Why is it all my responsibility? I can listen to you just fine when I am doing something else or concentrating and when I can't I ask you to repeat what you said. This doesn't seem to be a very difficult thing for me so I don't know why it is for you.

I just had to... Love Yoshi

2006-04-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

How to make Becca

Ingredients:

3 parts intelligence

3 parts silliness

3 parts beauty

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add lustfulness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I'm back again

2006-03-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

So I decided I can't complain about no one else posting when I haven't been posting myself. Although there are a few of us, not mentioning names here, Amanda, that haven't posted in what seems like years!! Need an update here ok!! :) LOL...Anyway, things are going good here. I can't wait to move out of this house. It's not that I don't like the house and where we live, it's the damn landlords. They are the biggest liars and cheaters I have met. I've never had big issues with landlords before but these people are always coming up with something to try and cheat us. We've had it! As soon as the lease is up we are out! Oh, so those of you who don't know yet. Brian and I are both now permanent employees at our jobs. YAY!!!! Brian already has pretty much all his benefits including insurance. As for me however, I don't get medical benefits for 6 months and don't get vacation for 1 year!!! ARGHH!! I hate that! They do offer a bridge plan for limited health benefits until the major medical is available. It doesn't cover any routine anything but would cover if I get sick or have an accident. I guess it's better than nothing but I want the full deal and it's too expensive to cover the kids too so I have been all over Derrick to get them on his insurance. That should happen in the next couple of weeks. I am finally starting to feel more settled and stable here. I think once we can buy a house and we are married then I will feel more "at home" so to speak. It will just be more permanent. Can I just say I love having my dogs here with me again. I missed them so much and they are getting much more "house" time now then they were at the old house so I know they are loving that! Alright well I'm going to shut up for now, see ya!

So, yeah......

2006-02-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

I know it's been way too long since I posted last. I don't know what my deal is. Some of it is that we have been pretty busy the last while but I think I also feel like I'm trying to hold my thoughts in. I'm not really sure why. So just to update everyone, valentines didn't turn out to be all that great because well, Friday came and I was so excited for Brian and I to be able to go out and have a good time and I wanted to see what we were going to be doing. Brian sent me flowers at work, very pretty and an amazing card, as always. I sat down at my desk with a big smile and the phone rang, I assumed it was Brian, but it wasn't. It was my sister, I could tell there was something wrong, a million things ran through my head. It was my grandma on my dad's side. She wasn't expected to live through the night. Jen and I talked a bit and I cried a lot. We had been expecting something like this for a while since she has been so frail and is in her late 80's. So Brian came and picked me up from work and we packed for several days and prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. We got in to Idaho Falls around 4:30pm and dropped the kids off at the ex's grandparents place and headed to the hospital. She could hardly speak and barely had her eye's open but apparently that was an improvment from that morning. So we sat with her and waited. We stayed the whole weekend and she gradually got better each day. I am so thankful for that. She was released from the hospital on Tuesday but they had to make her stay in a nursing home because she wasn't strong enough to go to the bathroom on her own. I talked to my mom yesterday and grandma is home now. She is still on oxygen and doesn't get up much but hopefully she will continue to get strength back. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with the death of anyone close to me. The last one was my grandpa on my dad's side, that was when I was about 12. I miss him so much. Brian was very supportive and wanted to be there for anything that happened. I love him so much and I am so glad he was there with me. Needless to say it put quite a big damper on our plans. He liked what I got him for valentines though and that was good and he got me some good stuff too!

We finally got a new bed, king size, YAY!!!! And we got a new, used, car. It's a Honda Accord, has high miles but runs well and will work great for just running around town so we can stop putting so many miles on the Escape. Better gas mileage too! Well, off to check on lunch. I'll post again soon. I promise!

Soooo.......

2006-01-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

Valentines day or as some like to call it, singles awareness day....ROTFL.... is coming up soon. Brian sends me an e-mail yesterday saying that plans have been finalized and that we will be leaving right after work to pick up the kids and take them to the sitters the Friday before. This will apparently only be for the evening, he says he "thinks we can get everything done that he wants to do" by 11 or midnight. Hmmmm....I keep thinking. I want to know what we are doing!!! But I will make myself wait because I really do love surprises!!!! I believe we will be going to dinner since he said that it took him weeks of calling to get a reservation at where ever we are going and we have to dress up, he said suit and tie kind of thing. So those are my only clues. I'm sure this will be the best valentines day I've had....and since I've never had a special valentines day I think anything will be awesome! I love so much that he loves to do things like this for me. He is so excited about it he can't stop talking about it....that may lead him to trouble...LOL....since he is more likely to give something away!! LOL....I can't say enough how much I love him. It is still so bizarre to me that there can be a love like this. I really never thought it was possible. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get used to it.

I'm sitting here watching Dylan as he plays his preschool game on the computer, he is soooo cute. He has finally decided he can play things on the computer other than the games Brian and I play. It is so good for him. He is getting excited about school now. They had the first of the tiny trailblazers which is his schools way of getting the kindergarteners familiar with the school and their teachers. I think it is really awesome. The school in IF never did anything like that. That was one thing I hated about that school. I can't wait until he starts and we are hoping to get him in all day kindergarten if they are able to offer it this year. Since he didn't get preschool this year it will be really helpful to his learning and also because he is such an active kid I think it will really help him work out all his energy. Boy, I have sure gone on and on so I'll wrap it up and try to post again soon.

I know....I know....

2006-01-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I posted. I have been pretty busy, what with work and ummmmm....sleeping and taking care of the kids and oh yeah....Brian's brother bought him this game called Diablo II for Christmas and it is freaking awesome. So, needless to say I've ending up spending much time playing it with Brian and Braden. I do have to say, I kind of wondered how well we would all do having Braden live with us for a while when we first moved. Now, I don't know how he really feels about it but I really don't mind it at all. He doesn't do anything that totally annoys me like has happened in the past when I have had someone live with me. He also does all kinds of nice things for us, which is really awesome! I wish we could do more for him. So, anyway, Christmas was good, Brian absolutely spoiled me and I think we all got spoiled at mom & dad's house. We spent some great time with Brian's kids while we were there, I wish so bad we could just get custody of them. I'm not saying I'm the best parent in the world since I certainly don't believe that but I know that Brian and I would give those kids a much better home. At least they would get a bath on a regular basis and would get their haircut and not look like the kids did it themselves and they would just have all of those normal things that a decent parent would give their kids. Brian went to get the kids carseats out of their grandma's car because we were going to have all of the kids on Sunday and he found mold growing on the seats of her car. Can you say disgusting!!!! I can't believe anyone would allow their children to live in that! If the car looks like that can you imagine what the house they live in? Their carseats are just gross, I couldn't even look at them without wanting to puke. We thought about trying to get them new seats for Christmas but I am really glad we didn't since they would just end up looking the same way. Oh and she is dating this nasty guy that we used to work with at CP who is a registered sex offender. Ok, seriously? You have got to be kidding me, this guy was convicted of a sex crime against a minor, who in their right mind that has kids would date someone like that! Alright, enough on my rant here.

Things are really good here, I have been a temp at Albertson's doing accounts payable. It is really a good job. I was worried about how long I was going to be a temp but they posted for a permanent position and I didn't realize that's what it was for, since I have been there they have only posted for promotions which are only for permanent employees, so I didn't apply. Then one of my trainers came to me after the posting had closed and asked if I had applied. I said no because I thought it was for a promotion. She was like "oh, well I was just wondering," then a couple of days later she came to me and asked if I would be interested in applying if they re-opened the position. I said yes of course! She said she would let me know if they re-opened it. Then the next day she came to me and said that they probably would not be re-opening the position but that someone from HR would be calling me to tell me how I could submit my application. She also told me that she was pushing this because she really thought I was doing awesome and would like to see me become a permanent employee. I was totally floored!!! So when I talked to the lady from HR later she told me that the trainer that had been talking to me about all this and our office manager had called her and told her that she needed to accept my application!!! Holy crap!!! So anyway, I had an interview with the 2 accountants in our office that report to our office manager. They both told me that my "interview", it was more like a very informal chat session, was more of a formality than anything. Greg, one of the accountants, told me several times that as far as he was concerned there were no other applicants and that they would be offering me the job. The only problem is that I have only been there 2 months and so I have not completed the contract time frame for the temp agency. But, Greg said the only thing that might cause is a delay in when I actually become permanent. YAY!!!!! He said that we have a director that isn't afraid to tell the temp agency to shove it or we'll pull everything, which is a lot, so that was really, really cool!!!! Alright, well, I think I've gone on long enough, happy new year everyone!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

2005-12-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

Boy this year has gone by fast!!! I can't wait for Christmas day to come. Even though we don't have much this year I can tell it is going to be the best one ever! Brian is making me do a scavenger hunt for my present, which is apparently in 7 peices. I'm not sure how well I am going to do with it because I suck at riddles but it should be a lot of fun. The kids are very excited and I can't wait to watch their faces light up when they see the presents under the tree Christmas morning. It still feels weird to me that Brian is getting me something. I am really not used to it. I do love it though, I love him so much. Well, I am off to help make our turkey dinner at my sister's house. Merry Christmas!!!!!!

New update

2005-12-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

So I guess I haven't updated in a while. Holy cow! Time is just flying by.....Brian and I have been together 7 months now. I can't believe it! I don't know where the time has gone...we have been in Boise almost 4 months. I just can't keep track anymore. I love this time of year, I am so excited for christmas although a little bummed out too because I don't have the money I usually have saved up to spend on christmas. We are going to be ok though. Things are looking up again. Sometimes I think everytime things start looking good some stupid thing puts us back down again. Hopefully Brian will be starting school in the spring, that's going to be rough for us since we like to be able to spend as much time as possible together and with him working and going to school it will leave very little time for us, but in the long run it will be so much better.

Fuck off!

2005-11-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

Gawd, you can be such a pompous ass sometimes!!!! Don't fucking tell me not to talk to you or use that tone with you....I am not a child and I will not be treated like one. If I'm pissed off I'll use whatever tone I want with you!!! FUCK OFF!!!! I swear to god you never listen to anything I say to you anyway...just like last night when we talked about staying at my mom & dad's this weekend and then this morning you act like you've never heard anything about it. WTF?!?! I don't want to be treated like I'm in high school and I have a curfew...I had something I was doing, you knew where the hell I was and yes I wanted to get the kids home on time for bed but sometimes 7:00 just isn't going to work out. I have shit that is important to me to get done before Christmas and have spent very little time doing it because I want to spend time with you and you refuse to come with me and even if you did you'd probably be bitching the entire damn time you're there. Just like when you came to the dog show....I told you that I didn't want to hear it, I told you what it was like when I'm showing, I like to be able to spend time with my friends and family and that is how we do it especially when most of the time that I will be able to see my parents now will be at things like that. That was definitely one nice thing about being single, I only had me and my kids to worry about. Fuck that makes me so damn mad, I love you and I don't want to ever say I liked being single for any reason. I don't understand why you can't just leave it alone...I'll be home when I'm done if I'd stayed to do as much as I had wanted it would probably have been 9:00 before I came home. I tried to plan so that I would have enough time but sometimes things just don't go as planned, I hate being rushed on everything. Not everything has to be on a perfect schedule. I can't say I have ever been or will ever be good at keeping a schedule but I am trying damnit!

Do a little dance...make a little love....get down tonight!

2005-11-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

I gotta job, I gotta job, I gotta job, hey, hey, hey, hey! So, if you couldn't tell already I am very excited! I finally got a new job today. Working in accounts payable at Albertson's Sundries. I'm excited, better pay, way, way better hours and hopefully at some point benefits too. It's temp to hire but I can live with that. 8-5 Mon-Fri is enough for me right now.

Nothing new on grandpa. Brian's brother told us he's moving back to Idaho Falls somewhere around Christmas-ish. This kind of sucks, it's fun to have him around and well, I have to face it, I like the fact that he helps out with rent. It is going to be very difficult to get back on our feet without him here but I'm sure we'll manage somehow. So we are now looking for a new place to live. One, need to find something a little cheaper; Two, we can't stand our landlord's. All kinds of hidden charges and stupid shit and oh yeah, every time we call them because something is broken it takes 8 years for them to come fix it. Oh and now they won't even return Brian's calls for anything. It is really stupid. So, yeah, anyway. Things are looking up I hope. I have to figure out what I'm going to do for insurance while I'm temp to hire because the insurance offered by the temp company is outrageously expensive. I don't know yet how long the temp to hire period is, I'm hoping not more than 90 days but Albertson's has a hiring freeze on and has for quite a while, however, I know that they have taken on new employees even through the freeze so I'm hoping this will be the case.

Update on Grandpa

2005-11-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Well he made it through the surgery, now he just has to make it through recovery. As long as there aren't any real complications he should be ok. Apparently the doctors said his heart is working normally now but he still has fluid in his lungs so they can't take him off the respirator yet. As soon as that clears up he should be mostly in the clear. Still trying to figure out a way to get the kids home to see him. If we can come up with the money we can do it. Brian won't have work now because the office won't be open so at least he'll be free to go, we'll see for me, just depends on the job I get.

Things seem to be looking better on the job front, I am hoping for a medical billing position that is open in Nampa, pays $11/hr so that would be nice and will have good benefits after the 90 day temp to hire. That would be really awesome.

2005-11-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

So my ex's Grandpa is in the hospital tonight getting ready to have a triple bypass tomorrow morning, his 2nd heart surgery. My kids are so attached to him, especially Cheyenne, he has been pretty much her whole world since she was born, they babysat her for the entire first 2 years of her life and he adores her. He has been sick for a few months and finally went to the doctor and was told 3 of his heart valves weren't working. He didn't sound very good when we talked to him on the phone last night but did sound better tonight, hopefully that is a good sign. This is not something I expected that I would have to deal with just yet. How do you try to prepare your children for something like this, it's like trying to prepare them for your own death. His chances of a full recovery are very good, but there is always that chance. I was hoping that my sister would be able to let the kids ride with them to Idaho Falls for Thanksgiving since Brian won't be able to get time off and who knows what will be going on for me but either way we can't really afford to go home right now. Jen says she can't take them this time because they won't have room because they'll be going shoping while they are there and will be bringing a lot of stuff home. The kids have been looking forward to seeing G-pa very soon and G-pa is so anxious to see them, he misses them so much and sometimes I feel like it's partly my fault that he is having these problems now, since I'm the one that moved them so far away. The kids have been what he has lived for since they were born, he loves them with all of his heart and I have no doubt that if they hadn't been around that he would have been in this place long ago. I love watching the kids with him, he is always running around outside with them and riding bikes with them and putting together puzzles with them and tinkering, I see so much of my own grandpa in him. Cheyenne loves to get on his computer (old as dirt PC with ancient games) and she plays crosswords and makes pictures and all kinds of things with him. They have so much fun and as much as they get spoiled I think it has been so good for all of them. Everytime I asked if they could watch the kids they were more than happy to do it, even when G-ma said she didn't really feel like it, G-pa always said he would regaurdless of what G-ma wanted. :) I have to find a way to get the kids there to see him for Thanksgiving.

I did it.

2005-11-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

I wrote back to Jamaal today. I was very short and all typed, I don't feel he deserves a hand written letter. I basically just told him that there will never ever be a chance in hell for him to be with me again and that I don't believe a word he has told me about anything. I really am very glad he is in jail. At least I know where he is if and when I decide I am going to pursue charges against him. I really just want to put everything behind me though and move on with my life. Letting him in to my life is probably the only thing I truly regret in my life. I think the only thing that would probably be different right now if that hadn't happened if my financial status. I hope that we are able to recover from this quickly and move on with the better things in life and what I am enjoying so much right now. Being totally and completely in love and having such a wonderful group of family and friends.

Blog-a-thon

2005-10-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

And so I have completed my blog-a-thon. I decided a few days ago that I wanted to go back through all of Brian's blogs from the time he started and read them all. Let me just say that I have been reading a while....lol...because I have. :) Anyway, this was very interesting. To see all the things that he has gone through since he began blogging it just makes me feel so much closer to him. Even though most of what I read he had already told me about, as far as feelings and people he thought of and such, I have also laughed a ton, he is the funniest damn person I have ever met. Some of the shit he comes up with just cracks me up. Things are great by the way. I finally realized today what I have actually known for a while but have been trying to ignore. He loves me so much more than I could even imagine possible, as much as it pains me to say it, he loves me more. It's funny because every time I look at him and tell him I love him and he says "I love you more" I try to tell him he doesn't but he does. I cannot explain it. I do not know why it is this way. All I know is that I hope one day I can say that I at least love him as much as he loves me. I love him with everything I have, but I realize now that he has more. Somewhere, somehow, he has more love to give me. I love you Brian.

2005-10-29T14:45:00.000-07:00

"Do you need anything?" he asks, "No." I replied immediately, when in every part of my body I wanted to yell "YES!!!! Yes, I need something I need you to understand!!!! I need everything to be fixed, to be okay." Why can't he understand, we can't even talk to each other....we tried after he came back from being gone for what seemed like forever. But it was futile. Nothing was said that hasn't been said before. I can't figure it out. I am absolutely at a loss. I have no idea what to do. One side of me wants to just say forget it, it's never going to change and I should just give up now. The other side is fighting so hard to counteract that. I love him. With every inch of my soul and my body and everything I have, I love him. I am not in the same place he is in my soul searching, I have not yet found the inner strength or want that is needed for that to happen. I don't know when or if I ever will. If that is not something he can endure then we need to end it now. I do not want to hurt him, although I know in my heart that it will hurt him more than I can even imagine. I know he loves me and it makes my heart ache so badly that I am not the person he imagines I am. My love for him will never change it will never waiver, I'm just not sure either of us is truly ready for this relationship. It has all seemed like a dream since it began, a fairytale. To good to be true. I wonder if in this situation the old saying is true, "If it seems to good to be true then it probably is." I want so much for this fairytale to be true for everything to be as I have always imagined. I am so afraid of losing him but I would rather lose him now then waste 2 or 4 or 8 years of his life living in a dream world that is not real. I think that I am more afraid of that. If it ends now then there will be less heartache, I know from experience on that one. This time has been so different in every way. It has been just as I imagined a perfect love story, ending in a happily ever after. I am so afraid. And yet I also feel like he is trying to "fix" me, make me in to the person I know I want to be. It's one thing to want the things I want for myself but it's another to try to fix those things for me. That is an impossible task. I am the only one that can fix myself. I want him there to guide me and support me yes but "fix" me, no. Maybe this is something I can only do on my own and if we have to be apart until that happens then maybe that is what should happen. No. I don't want that. I can't imagine myself living without him. I can't even stand the thought of it. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel on this issue. I can't see us fixing it. And if it can't be fixed then neither can we. It is not something that can just be left unsaid or unfixed, there must be a solution. If one is not found I don't know what else we can do. There will always be some kind of resentment coming from both sides if this is not fixed. It HAS to be fixed. I am so exhausted right now that I can't even think straight anymore. I need to go rest.

Angry!

2005-10-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

Ooooo!!!! I have never been so angry at him. I just wanted to scream at him and still do. I have been so frustrated with everything else and then for him to be playing games with me just pisses me off so bad I can hardly stand it. I had to take a walk last night when it happened because I was so mad....ok, that is really bad because I haven't done that in more than 2 1/2 years. I cannot understand his logic all it does it make things worse none of this is helping and even if I do take care of the situation that started this whole thing it still will not make any difference the next time. I am not going to continue to play this game. I refuse to play any games of any sort, this is not what it should be about. I thought he felt the same way but apparently not. GOD!!!! I hate being this mad, I do not want to be mad at him but this has just gone too far this time. And so, we sit in silence. We did not even sleep in the same room last night. This is the first time this has ever happened. I just want to cry. I don't know what else to do, if I open my mouth to talk to him I'm just going to scream at him. Grrrrrrr.........what am I supposed to do, just not talk to him ever again? That's not going to happen but I don't seem to be cooling down at all but I don't want to scream at him either. This is also a matter that can not wait, I can't believe he has put it off this long, taking it this far. Ok, well for now I am just going to go sit and read and see if that helps any.

Updating....

2005-10-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

So I know it's been a while...hope everyone likes the new look!!! Thanks to my beloved for knowing what I love and coming up with amazing ideas just from my one thought. So, what's up here...well not a lot. Brian and I have had much time together since we are both job hunting...hopefully that will end soon, although it's not because I don't enjoy being with him all the time, it's because well...in the end as everything does it comes down to money. One interesting thing has happened, interestingly I got a letter in the mail the other day. I thought it was very odd and then I read who it was from....Jamaal. I couldn't believe it! What a nerve he has!!! Oh! And guess where it was sent from! Jail!!! He insists that he is there because of the credit card charges but I just don't see how that could possibly be since they credit card company is going after me for the money. I have tried to locate the information online as to why he is actually incarcerated but I don't have any money to pay for a criminal record check and as of yet have only come sites that charge for the information. I did download a form to request the information from the county jail where he is serving time but that still costs $10. So, as soon as I can I will find out. I let Brian read the letter, I don't think he was very happy....pretty much his only comment was "sometimes things are better left unread". He totally wrote all this crap about how he was so sorry for stealing my money and that he will pay me back as soon as he gets out and gets a job and how he wants me back and all this stupid shit!!! It just made me so mad. I want so badly to take him to court and try to recover some of the money but at the same time I just don't want to put forth the effort...I don't have the energy to deal with it...everyone keeps pushing me and I just don't want to have anything to do with him ever again...I just want to put it behind me as quickly as possible. I can't pay the credit card any money right now and it's really hurting my credit but I'm afraid that it's just not going to change anytime soon...even if I did take him to court, especially now that he's in jail and apparently not getting out for 2 years. I think I will probably write him back just to tell him one more time what a piece of shit he is and that I hope he rots in hell. I have everything I could ever hope or dream for in a man and that will never change. I will spend the rest of my life with Brian. He has already brought so many of my dreams to life and I have no doubt that the rest of my life with him will be full of more of those dreams coming true.

Well, I'm off to bed now...I will post again soon and try keeping this more up to date.

Grrrrrrrrrr.....

2005-09-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so can we say "Oh, grow up!!!" So I have been reading a blog of one of Brian's friends from IF. I guess just trying to keep up with the daily drama, I have no idea why I want to but I do. Anyway, so yesterday I read her blog again as she complained some more about her stupid sister in law and how she is going back to her abusive husband. Ok, so her husband has abused her many times as well. So, I posted a comment basically saying she needed to take a look at her own relationship before judging others. She got all totally butt hurt and freaked out being the total bitch that she is and now it seems she has changed her blog address just so I can't read it. All I can say is grow up and get a life if you can't take a little constructive feedback.

Now that I got that out of my system. So, today we get a bill from our landlord saying that we owe them like $150 for lawn care and a water bill. WTF!! I don't think so. First of all, the ad when we rented the place said free lawn care and they hired the people not us, we have our own damn lawn mower, if it wasn't getting mowed every week already, we'd mow it ourselves! Dumb fuckers! As for the water bill, they can screw off since we can't put the water in our name because they own the house and they have to go down to the water company and authorize us to take it over and they have never said anything about it, including when the water got shut off because they hadn't paid the bill in probably 3 months at least. $125 for the lawn care?! K, I can mow it for $15 for the whole year! Not only am I really pissed off about this whole thing but I asked Brian to call the land lord about it and he refuses because he thinks I should do it. Why the hell should I have to do it first of all, second of all I have a really hard time doing anything like that. I hate conflict and I hate calling places to do pretty much anything. I have this burn in the pit of my stomach and I feel like my heart is going to beat itself right out of my chest. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to things like that. Every time I've ever had to do anything like that all that has happened is me completely freaking out, not being able to control myself and nothing ends up getting resolved. I CAN'T DO IT!!!! I don't know why or how else to explain it, I just know that I feel like I'm going to die every time something like this comes up. He thinks he is helping me by "making" me do it. It's not, it just makes me more upset about the whole damn thing.

Puzzling

2005-09-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little puzzled today. Trying to figure out what Brian sees and I don't. I came to bed last night after getting home from work and spending a little time playing on the computer to wind down. I don't know if I woke him up when I came home but he came in the computer room and asked if I was coming to bed or something of that sort. So I did and then we laid in bed cuddled up for a while and when I was almost asleep he asked if there was something wrong. I said no. I asked him why he thought that and he just said he had a feeling and didn't know why he thought that. I think he was awake most of the night thinking. I couldn't stay awake although I tried because I was trying to figure out why he would ask that. While I have been thinking about it today I can only come to the conclusion that I must be acting different in some way. I have yet to figure out how I am acting differently.
I have been thinking a lot lately. I guess just trying to analyze things. Trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I wish I was one of those people that can just decide on something and do it and not worry about it. I am so much of a worry wart though. I swear I worry about every little thing that could possibly happen with anything. I think I have decided that I am going to do an online course through BSU to get my Pharmacy Tech certification. I think that's what I want to do until I can go through the pharmacy course through ISU. I would also really like to be able to just work part time but that's not really an option money wise right now and I also don't think it's really all that fair to Brian. I don't know, maybe it's just because I haven't been able to really spend a lot of time with Brian lately because our work schedules are completely opposite and I work weekends and he doesn't. I really like being home when he gets home and being able to make dinner and have dinner together as a family. I love the nights when I can do that. I also hate not being able to tuck my kids in at night or sing them a song before bed. I have never worked a schedule where I couldn't do that except when I was away for work but that was only for a few weeks, I have no idea when this might change. I can't stand not being able to see him and spend time with him. So, I did a test to find out my love language and I am mostly a touchy feely kind of person and my second one is spending time together, I think these two go hand in hand, you really can't have a lot of one without the other. So I think maybe that is why this has been so hard for me. Brian's schedule will be changing in a few weeks and he will be working weekends too, only problem is I still need to try and work a more regular schedule and get off weekends so that I can be with the kids, not just because I want to but because my sister isn't really going to be able to watch my kids every weekend for the next year, it is also very difficult to make trips home to visit when you don't have weekends off. Having us both work nights isn't really going to work either because either the kids have to spend the night at my sister's, where they won't really get much sleep and they will probably drive my sister and brother in law crazy or we have to pick them up after work which would be around midnight, that really isn't an option either because they have to be able to get a good nights sleep. Arghh!!!!! I hate all this shit, I just wish it could be easier. If anyone has any tips I would greatly appreciate them.

Life's too short

2005-08-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! Life is too short. I just found out that a great friend of mine just lost his mom today. She's been sick for a couple of weeks because of complications from surgery but this was definitely not expected, of course it was always a possibility but it's never something you are prepared for. I wish so badly that I could be there to support him in person but I just want him to know that I will always be there to support him in every other way I can. I got in a huge fight with him about a month or 2 before we moved and we haven't made up yet. I never want something like that to happen ever again. We both have let our pride get in the way and it's not worth it. Not at all. I want to call him and tell him that he can call me anytime but I'm afraid that it's too soon for him. I don't know...I guess I should call anyway...just so he knows I'm thinking about him. Life is so insane, I just can't figure it out.
So, I'm talking to my dad last night and he starts telling me that he thinks I should put him or my mom on my bank account so that if they need to for any reason they can conduct business on my behalf?!?!?!? Ummmmm, ok. I don't get it. He's never thought I should do that before so I don't know what has changed. Apparently he told my sister that he is worried something is going to happen with Brian and I. He keeps saying how much he really likes Brian but that he just has this "feeling" that we are moving to fast and something is going to happen. WTF!! I just don't get it at all and why the hell won't he talk to me about it? My sis says it's because he doesn't want to make me mad or hurt my feelings but I think it's worse this way. I just don't know what to do at this point. I promised myself that I would listen to my parents concerns in the future but I if I don't understand them then I don't know how I can listen to them.
Well, I'm off to go sign the papers on my house.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
---Helen Keller

Update YAY!

2005-07-31T18:05:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a while hasn't it. So, guess I have to update everyone a bit. We both got job offers at DirecTV and we moved to Boise a week and a half ago. Started our new jobs last week, so far looks very good, I'm quite liking they offer, training is a bit boring mostly because I know most of it already. I also did some testing for Qwest here for a new center they are opening, they called me for an interview but I haven't actually been able to talk to them yet. If they offer me a job there will be a lot of thinking to do because as far as I know so far they actually pay less than DirecTV does. Brian got a call today from a friend that wanted him to come to work in Blackfoot, starting wage, $13/hr and then up to $25/hr after he passed his boards. It really sucks since we just moved here but apparently they also have an office here in Eagle and his friend was going to see if they might put him on here. That would be totally AWESOME!!! Things are really looking up right now. My house has only been on the market for a week and I already got an outstanding offer that I accepted! Yay!! I can't wait until we can buy a house here, have to get Brian's credit fixed and mine too for that matter since I haven't been able to pay the credit card bill and I missed 1 house payment.

On to bigger and better things. I love spending all of my time with the love of my life. I think we are finally starting to get past that honeymoon phase. We have actually had a couple of arguments but they aren't the kind that I'm used to, they were really more just disagreements rather than arguments. I'm more used to the knock down, drag out fights. It's really nice I must say, even though I might get mad or he might get mad, I know that we will have a discussion about it and for the most part the problem will get taken care of. It's really weird working with him here because it's a new place of work and we haven't really gotten used to all the rules and what things are enforced and what aren't...LOL. It's really hard not to be able to hold his hand or kiss him out on break or anything of that nature. Really sucks too. LOL. Anyway, I think I'd better finish up since I need to get the kids off to bed.

Busy, busy, busy.

2005-07-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged. Just haven't really had much time lately. We have been to Boise like 4 or 5 times in the last month. Seems like every weekend plus once during the week. It's crazy. I wish we could just move and then get a job when we get there instead of driving back and forth constantly, not only can we not afford to do that but I'm also just sick of the drive. I just want to be home. I am starting to feel like my sisters house is home. Anyway, things are not really moving along very fast on the job market. We really have to find something that pays better in order to be able to buy a house there. I am really starting to feel the stress of not having any money now. I hate this feeling so bad. Now my parents are hounding me, I think they are just realizing that I am actually serious about moving. I know that they want to protect me and they don't want to see me in the financial state that I am in but I have to make my own choices based on what I think is best for my family and this is what I think will be best. I cannot continue working here with the money I am making. Now the problem is actually telling my parents that they can't make my decisions for me and that I am going to make mistakes and they can't protect me from them. I just want to get this move over with so we can start our lives there. I can't wait. I feel like I am being distant with Brian a lot lately. I don't know why. I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. I'm pretty sure that it is because of the money situation and I just need to figure it all out.

Self

2005-06-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

So yeah....where to begin. I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I am having trouble sorting them all out. I think I tend to actually think better when I start writing and while I listen to music. If I don't actually write down my thoughts I don't think I truly think through them. Does that make sense? It may not to you but it does to me. So, having an completely open relationship is extremely important to me. However, it can be hard to be completely open about yourself, especially your past and a past that you are not proud of. I experienced that today. I would not blame him for not wanting to be with me anymore. He is so much of what I want to be. He said before we started dating that he thought we were in different places in our lives and that I seemed settled and more mature. I don't really know how he came to that conclusion because he is so much more settled in his life and who he is than I am. I am so afraid now that I will not become who he thinks I can and will become. This is something I have struggled with for so long in my life because I seem to keep trying to be the person my dad expects me to be and become but I just keep letting him down. I couldn't stand to have the same thing happen with him. I want to become so much better than I am now so my kids have a mother that I am proud of, to look up to. I am so glad that my kids have him to look up to. I know I should trust him when he says he's not going anywhere but I just can't help feeling like the part of my past he learned about today is just going to keep eating at him because he can't understand it. He said that to a point he thinks I am still in the same emotional state that I was. I don't believe that I am. I can't say that it has completely changed but I have learned so much from my past. I am a person that doesn't want to let anyone down and don't want to make people feel bad so I tend to be kind of a "yes" person. From my last mistake I no longer think that is a problem. I guess now I feel like I have to prove to him that I am not the same as I was, but at the same time, I really don't think I should have to prove anything to anyone except myself. There are many things about myself that I think I still need a lot of work on. At this point I can only work on one thing at a time. I am still trying to get my life together and be able to provide for my family so we can stop worrying about being able to afford the little things. Right now that is my primary priority. I have to get to a place where I feel comfortable enough to start working on some of those other things and until I can stop worrying about immediate things I don't really have the energy to work on things for my future self. I love him with all my being. I still have not been able to find a word or phrase or group of words that truly describe my feelings and how my heart aches for him. He makes me feel more than whole. I think that is as close as I have been able to come.

Facades?

2005-06-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

So how do you know when you are putting up a facade? So I was insanely ill last week due to a bladder and kidney infection that took quite a toll on me. Something about a 105.5 degree fever that does that to a person. So during my down time Brian stayed home with me, it was quite nice although he won't get paid for the time. I hated having to ask him to do so much for me but at the same time I am so glad he was there to do it because when I am really sick I am pretty much useless and a total baby. So back to the question at hand. The other day I started to feel as if I was building a wall and subconsciously trying to push Brian away. I don't know that he even felt that way but I couldn't help but notice myself doing it. I think I have stopped but I don't really know for sure. Sometimes I'm afraid that I have come to think my facades are the real thing rather than being able to tell the difference. After all it is my own self that I am looking at and I should be able to tell the difference if anyone can. I have been pondering this issue for a couple of days now and I think I am still afraid and it seems every day that we get closer and closer and the more I want to just turn and run away. I don't really think I have figured out why it is that I want to run yet. This is kind of a new question that I have brought to myself because I want to stop myself from running this time and that was never the case before. I have compared this feeling to a feeling I have had many times in recent past when dealing with my anxiety. In the past I have dealt with my anxiety by facing my fear and pushing myself to do the very thing that I was scared of doing. The problem here is I don't really know what I am scared of so I don't know how to face it. Brian is so amazing and he makes me feel like I am the only one in the world. I realized that I must take a step back and look at us from the 3rd person. I found myself nit picking at little things that are just stupid. Small things that bother me a little but not enough to make a big deal of, the thing I realized though from looking at my past relationships is that I tend to let a lot of little things build up thinking that I shouldn't say anything or I might offend my partner but in doing so I end up getting totally pissed off about a million stupid things and blow everything out of proportion. I do not want to make that same mistake. So I guess the other side of that is I also don't want to be a nag so now is the part where I need to decide how important each of these little things are. I don't want Brian to change himself for me. I know that throughout our lives together he will change because that's what people do as they progress through life but it won't be for me, it will be for himself and maybe some things because of me. Well, I think I will leave it at that for now. I will talk with him tonight.

2005-05-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

This is so true, I completely love my life right now, even with all the things that suck in it, I still love it, I truly don't think I would change anything that has happened to me even if I could, I believe that it has shaped me into the person I am today and has made me able to love Brian and allow him to love me. So we were talking again this weekend about things in our past, childhood and such things, it's so funny because our lives seem so parallel. So, I talked to my school advisor on Friday, looks like it is going to take me about 3 years to complete my pre pharmacy courses. I also asked her about completing those courses in Boise, she said that would be no problem, that I can actually do them at BSU. I am really excited because I think that makes our choice to move to Boise pretty final. Now we need to get the house ready to sell and find jobs and register for school and such, so I think we're looking at a minimum of 4 months before we can go.
I sat and watched him last night as he was deep in thought, he is so amazing, I just hope that I could comfort him. I love the way he cares so much about his family and wants to take care of them and protect them. I hope I was some comfort to him. I love to just sit and watch him, it just makes me smile. He is so amazing, I still just can't seem to get over that. Maybe when we've been together for 10 years I'll have gotten over it, but right now I just can't see that happening. It's so weird to feel like that, everyday, every time I look at him. I still have a hard time believing it's true. I remember when we first met and he was in my class. I thought he was so cute and funny and I really wanted him to ask me out but I honestly never thought that would happen. I feel like every day when I wake up with him next to me I have to pinch myself just as a reminder that I'm not dreaming.
Kids are so funny. My kids love Brian, he is always doing all kinds of things for them that they love, but he also doesn't let them get away with doing things they aren't supposed to do and it seems they tend to remember those times the most. My son asks me last night as I'm tucking him in to bed "when is Brian going to not live with us?" I said well I think he's going to live with us for a very long time. He said that it was ok if he was there all day but that sometimes he had to go home to sleep because he wanted to sleep with me sometimes too. It was so cute, I asked him if it was hard having to share me and he said "yes." with those cute puppy eyes. LOL!

The conversation

2005-05-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, Sunday we went to mom & dad's for dinner as usual. I had to ask dad for money in order to pay my bills this month, so of course I had to tell him why. Believe me when I tell you this was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to tell him, probably 2nd to telling him I was pregnant when I was 18. So, he gave me the money I needed after screaming at me and then giving me the lecture of my life (which by the way, he's not done with). Then I went outside to move the carseats and Brian stayed in the house with dad. When we left Brian told me that my dad had a conversation with him while I was outside. Now, a bit about my dad, he is a very closed person, he doesn't share his feelings very often and is not a very sentimental person or anything of that sort, I think he has told me he loved me about 5 times from as far back as I can remember. So Brian tells me that dad told him that he thinks Brian is the best thing that ever happened to me and that he doesn't know what our plans for the future are but that he thinks Brian will make me happy. Can I just say OMG!!!! I totally started to cry when he told me that. Partially because my dad is not the type of person to say things like that but also because it totally validated all of the feelings I have for Brian. Brian totally reminded me the other day how grateful I am to god for bringing him in to my life. He truly is the best thing that has happened to me. He truly completes me and makes me feel whole. I don't think I have ever felt that before. I look forward to a long and fulfilling life as long as he is part of it.

It's Amazing

2005-05-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

So this morning I had a training class first thing and guess who I should get teaching the class. Charlie. As we were walking to the conference room for class he asked if I was going, I about fell on the floor! He actually talked to me! I couldn't believe it, so I asked him if he was going to talk to me, he said yes. Then when we had a break during the class I was like the only one back on time so I asked Charlie if he was going to talk to me now, he said a little with this shit eating grin on his face. Is this a good sign? I hope so, I would love to return to our friendship. It has been driving me absolutely crazy with him not talking to me. So I was talking to my sister the other night about her coming here for the Lone Star concert and she informs me that there is one in Boise on 7/1 and it's free! Holy crap! I want to go really bad, so she is going to try to get us tickets. I'm really excited. It totally got Brian and I talking about living in Boise though. Last night we had a serious discussion about moving there and letting him go to school first, by then hopefully all of my program will be offered at the ISU Boise campus, half of it is already offered there. I can even do my pre pharmacy while I am there this year. So, I think we decided to pursue this move. Brian really wants to go and I do too. There is so much more to offer there for things to do and jobs. I'm totally excited about it, I think this is really the first time I've really been this serious about it.

Another year gone by

2005-05-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's my birthday. Another year gone by. So let's take a moment to review the last year of my life. Turned 25 one year ago today, it was a Wednesday, no real major events at that point, just doing what I'd been doing for more than a year before. However, if I rewind about a week before that, I had a major epiphany when I went to the 4 day dog show in Utah that year, I realized I had a major anxiety problem when I went to go in the ring to show my dog and I freaked out and couldn't even think straight. At that time I had been showing dogs for 16 years, I've never had a problem like that before, I seriously made a total fool of myself and the next day I made my sister show my dog because I couldn't do it. It was a very sad day. I wanted so badly for her to show my dog the next day too but she couldn't because we had a ring conflict. I did manage to force myself to do it but it was extremely hard. I knew then that I had a real problem. I talked to my mom about it a bit and finally decided to talk to my doctor about it. He referred me to counseling. That in itself almost made me have another panic attack. I have been having a hard time doing new things without having someone with me. I did it though, at first she wasn't really sure I needed any medication but after about 4 or 5 sessions she decided to put me on something very mild. My doctor put me on a new drug which has actually helped, I have noticed a difference. I started a journal and now I'm blogging so that has helped me a lot too. I haven't had to see her for about 6 months now. It was nice to be able to talk to her even though I think mostly she just sat there and I talked and ended up solving most of my own problems. Sometimes it's just nice to think out loud a bit and you can take care of your own crap. So anyway, that whole process started me down a new road. I believe that we make our own fate, it is not a straight forward thing where what happens will happen whether we want it to or not, we choose which roads we take and those roads take us to new intersections where we have to decide what the next best path is going to be, every choice we make in our lives takes us down a new road. For me this new road has not been as smooth as I had hoped, I finally started dating again in September of last year, my first date was a total disaster except for the fact that I had a total blast with my friends that went. The next guy I thought was going to be a good possibility. He turned out to be a total tard. Went to Colorado for work when I was still trying to figure things out with him. Almost had a total breakdown there. I was completely burnt out at work and then I was away from my best friends and family and especially my mom who is my best friend and my kids. This was extremely trying on me. I think it was like the last 2 or 3 days that I was there when I started talking to Brian a lot more, we had been talking here and there but not much since he had just come back to work at CP about the time I left for Colorado. At the time I was just enjoying my long ass freaking talks with him....okay 4 hours talking on a cell phone starting at 1 in the morning is freaking insane! He seemed to make everything better, although at the time I was actually thinking I really wanted romantic things to begin with one of my other good friends at work, B I'll call him. I have thought he was very attractive from the first day I met him when I became a trainer. Cute, funny, straight forward and honest. All things that I think are totally awesome. So, I came back from Colorado and was still totally burnt with it. Couldn't seem to really take any time off, I was supposed to get the entire week off when I came back but that didn't end up happening and then my boss goes and tells me he's not giving me the 6 comp days he promised me when I left for Colorado because "he shouldn't have offered them to me in the first place" WTF! On the romantic front I was very interested in this guy Jared that I met online, turned out he grew up living next door to my ex and his family knows my ex's grandparents very well. Crazy! He has totally flaked out on me numerous times and just couldn't get his head on straight. That's when I ended up with Jamaal, what a mistake that was! Holy shit! I still can't believe how freaking stupid I was, I honestly think I just lost my head somewhere and couldn't find it. Well, that is definitely one mistake that will never happen again. And now I have the one that I truly love. It's funny because honestly I don't think Brian and I would be where we are if all the stupid shit with Jamaal hadn't happened. Apparently there really is a silver lining to every cloud. I honestly wish I could put in to words how I truly feel about Brian. I have as of yet not been able to find the right word or words to describe it. At some points I truly feel like I am going to burst with the love I feel. I will do everything in my power to not screw this one up. I've been sitting here for nearly an hour now, typing for what seems like forever. He is sick today, flu, I think. Poor thing, he is so cute when he is sick. Even as he sleeps now, feeling sick, I just want to curl up with him and lay on his chest. I love the sound of his heartbeat. Well, gotta stop typing as my hands are starting to kill me and gotta go pick up the kids.

A long time...

2005-05-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

So I have to say it's been a really really long time since I've had anything shut off for non-payment, but low and behold when we get home tonight we have a shut off notice from the cable company. Not that we have been watching much TV at all lately but I like to be able to sit down and watch it when I want to. I hate even the thought that I had something turned off for non-payment, I have been able to avoid that for more than 5 years. I don't want to be in this situation. I hate the fact that I have to rely on someone else to help support me. I am a very independent person and I'm not feeling very independent right now. I still haven't contacted a lawyer but really need to do so soon. I tend to procrastinate things that I don't want to deal with and this is one of those things. I did finally make an appointment with my advisor for school finally. I have an appointment next Friday to meet with her and figure out my schedule and get registered and hopefully she can help me get some more grants and scholarships. That's the other thing I am worried about since right now I have only been given one pell grant for $1200 and that's it. I don't think that even covers my tuition and books, let alone enough to cover all of my living expenses. Luckily I should have no problem qualifying for ICCP now because I finally got to move accounts at work. I lost another $.50 but now I can get merit increases rather than never getting any incentive. I know I will be happier in this account too because I have an awesome boss that will totally back me up on everything. Doesn't hurt that he is pretty much family too...LOL! Speaking of that, it seems my family has become extremely protective of me since my divorce. They don't want me to get hurt again. They all keep asking me about Brian and then apparently my aunt was asking my boss all kinds of questions about him but he doesn't know him since he's not in his account. So he had to ask me about him and told me he would be interrogating him soon. LOL! It's so funny because I guess I never really noticed or realized how much my family really cares about me. It's really nice to know that they are there. We went to visit grandma on Sunday for mother's day and had a nice chat. My uncle Mark was there too. It was kind of funny because I left the keys in the house when we went to leave so I went back in to get them and grandma and Mark were talking about Brian and grandma had to ask what his last name was, I told him and she says, "Is that Spanish?" My uncle looked like he was going to fall over laughing and says, "No, it's Japanese!" I had to laugh that my uncle would react that way. Then he wanted to know if his family was from around here to which I responded yes. He said he knows someone in his family but he can't remember who or where from, he just knows that he recognizes the name and Brian. I thought it was insanely funny because it's such a small world. Honestly it's pretty crazy.
It's odd that when you feel like you love someone so much that you could just burst that then you begin to feel that love grow more. One of my friends told me today that I had better still be careful so I don't get hurt. She said because she felt that way about someone and then 6 mos later he just left. That does scare me when I think of the fact that this is something that could happen. But I also don't want to let myself think that it is even a possibility. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him in my life. I told her that I really wasn't worried about something like that happening because I have known him for so long and we know each other so well. Obviously, there are things we still need to learn about each other because I think that is something that happens for a long time but I feel that I know enough that I don't have to worry about it. I know that he still amazes me. One thing I realized today though is that I have never really truly seen him mad. Nor has he seen me really mad. He has seen me very upset but I have not even seen that from him. It's kind of weird because I kind of have this picture in my head of him that he can't get really mad or upset. Although I know that isn't true, it just almost seems that way since I have never seen it. Well, gonna go have some dinner. I'll probably add later.

The day before you

2005-05-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is but I just can't stop hearing that song in my head. You know usually when you get a song stuck in your head it tends to drive you crazy even if you like the song. This one doesn't, I just want to hear it more. I might drive Brian crazy if I were to play it over and over again like I want to so I just play it over again in my head. It really hit me today that I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. This is a scary revelation for me. I think I have known this since I knew I loved him but it never really hit me like it did today. Then to add to that he asks me at lunch what our wedding colors are going to be? WTF! LOL! I almost died. The thing that I think scares me so much is how fast everything is going. I told myself when I started dating again that I would have to be dating a guy exclusively for at least a year before I would even consider marriage but here I am, a month and a half in to it and I know without a doubt that I want to marry him. OMG! Now for those out there who are freaking out, no this does not mean that we are getting married right now. I have no doubt that we will eventually get married but I think there are a lot of things that will have to happen before that does. Of course the big one being him asking me to marry him. LOL! For some reason every time I listen to the first verse of that song I get chills and I can envision our wedding day. This is all totally insane to me. I just cannot fathom the love I have for him and the love he shows me. I just don't understand his love for me or what even attracted him to me in the first place. I have prayed to god so many times and asked him to help me find my true love, little did I know that through all of the heartache he brought Brian to me just at the right time. As has been said before god works in mysterious ways. I completely believe that now. Honestly I think that the lyrics to the song that started this whole thing are so entirely true to my life now.

I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
It makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shapin' my heart for the day that I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you-yeah, yeah

2005-05-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ok this is so weird, so we were driving to work today and Brian had a CD in of a bunch of songs that he really likes. This song came on I think it's called "I can only imagine". It is a religious song and as we know I am not a very religious person but I do find that I enjoy listening to some songs like this. Anyway, I normally sing along to this particular song because it is awesome, Brian started to sing along and I just couldn't help but stop and listen to him. It's amazing, I loved it, I don't really know why but I just wanted to play the song over again and listen to him more. I am so in love with him it's scary. I almost cried today, I don't know why I just feel overwhelmed with my love for him and I think still scared of it too. He is so amazing. Today he was getting the kids to get ready to leave for daycare and as always it is a fight with them. I love how he helps me with them but at the same time I feel so guilty because they are totally my responsibility and he shouldn't have to help me with them. I want them to like him and respect him and not think that he is mean because he is always trying to help me out with them. If they were a little older they might understand more but I think at this age all they really remember are the things that he does that they think are mean. Even though there are so many things when they are so excited because he did something they loved. With this situation I don't know what to do. I don't have a handle on my children's discipline and am trying to do that and Brian is helping tremendously. I guess I just need to take more control and hopefully they will start to settle in with the changes and things will calm down, they seem to be testing the waters a lot lately.

Whirl wind of hell

2005-05-03T09:01:00.001-07:00

I think I'm in a whirl wind of hell with a little piece of heaven in the middle. Literally everything around me is falling apart and seems to keep crumbling farther down, the only thing keeping me afloat is love. Love is a very powerful thing and it does wonders for a person. Yesterday I found out that work is screwing me even more than they have before. They dropped my pay $2/hr rather than the $1/hr that I got for being a trainer. Apparently my original training supervisor that gave me a $1 raise has decided that I don't deserve to keep that raise. So now I am basically making the same amount as a person that started working here last week. I have been here for nearly 3 years now and was on the training team for almost 2 of that and this is how I am treated. It seems that the training admin are the only ones that feel I am not a value to this company but they are the only ones that can do anything at this point. So I talked to our operations manager last night in my mess of tears. I was trying so hard not to get that upset but I just couldn't stop, the well being of my family is at stake and it seems that the training team still has control of it. My ops manager is committed to doing everything he can for me right now. He is going to try to get me out of TLC by next week, then at least I will be in an account where I can get merit increases. I will hopefully be going to ASC which will allow me to put my knowledge to good use and I will have who I consider to be the best manger overall that I have ever seen. I am also applying for state aid since that is absolutely going to be the only way I can make it now. Hopefully they will pay for at least half of my day care costs and hopefully I will also be able to get at least $200 in food stamps. This would be ideal and allow me to have enough to pay for my other bills. I don't know what I am going to do for this month since my last check was so short. I heard from J on Friday, he called to see if we could work things out and get back together?! As if! I don't even think so, even if I wasn't with Brian right now I would not even think about it. He is so lame it is not even funny, I tried to talk to him last night about my money but as soon as he heard that I was seeing someone he hung up on me. So tonight I am going to call him and I will not be so nice. I think once I can get over this hump of terrible things then everything will be ok. Brian assures me we will be fine and I really do believe him. Like I said before he is keeping me afloat. He is my lifesaver. My life would not be the same without him and even though our relationship is very new I know that he is my true love and that cannot change, I have felt this connection with him for so long and it is so nice to finally be able to express my true feelings to him. I love him truly and deeply.

Too good to be true?

2005-04-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Too good to be true? Can it really be? I really hate that feeling because you know how people say when something seems too good to be true it probably is? I just can't see that with us but at the same time I am so afraid that it is. Lately I feel like we are getting in to more of a groove and now that he's back at work with me and we are on the same schedule I'm just totally afraid that he's going to see the real me and decided that he doesn't like it. Not that I haven't been the real me but he sees so much more of me now than he ever has. I really don't doubt my love for him or his love for me I guess I'm just afraid of that changing. I thought I had found love before and I know now that I had not because this is so much more but there is still that nagging sound in my head that I can't get rid of that reminds me of all the things that could go wrong. Like the title of my blog says "Love like you've never been hurt before," I want that so badly and I will continue to strive for that. I just have to get past these humps in the road. He is so wonderful and I never want to lose that, I just want to hold on tight and never let go. But I am also afraid that if I hold on too tight I will smother him. This love is so different for me. I believe that I may have actually found true love, if there really is such a thing. I think I believe in true love but it's hard to say. I guess it's like believing in god. You don't really know for sure but you believe. So I guess I do believe and I think I have found it. I hope I have found it. I hope it continues.

2005-04-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Why does life have to be so complicated. Brian seems to think that my luck has gone to shit since I've been with him. It kind of has but it's nothing to do with him. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Everything else seems to literally be falling apart around me. I have no money, my check was short, I have bills that I am already behind on and have no money in savings to make up for it. I finally told my mom that I got demoted, she took it really well. I still have not had the guts to tell her about all the money I had in savings from my taxes. I have no idea if I will ever see that money again. I have tried to contact J, I sent an e-mail to his school e-mail address but no reply. The only other way I might be able to get a hold of him is through his probation officer. Hopefully I can do that. According to the contract his payment is due May 1st. If I don't see any money from him or hear from him I will be contacting an attorney to see what I can do. I still can't believe how stupid I was. I really hate money. Life is so much harder when you have money issues. I can't stand this feeling. I am so glad that I have Brian to support me through my stupidity. I just want to get past all of this and not have to deal with it anymore. I am trying really hard not to let it affect my mood and the way I act, although I think I am catching myself getting a little moddy now and then because I'm worried about it. I can't not worry so I have to figure out another way to fix this and to compensate differently for the stress. I think I've become a nympho as part of my way of coping, hope that's not a bad thing. LOL!

Life and Love

2005-04-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

Life is so crazy right now. It's so insane to be so in love with someone yet have so many other things going on that you can't fully concentrate on the one you love. I hate that. I want to give him all of my attention. I wish I could spend every minute of every day with him. You know usually you still have to have time for yourself and time away from each other but with him I don't. I want to always be with him. It's never uncomfortable being around him. I never feel like I want him to go away or not be around him. I don't foresee that changing anytime soon either. I can see being married to him for the rest of my life. Honestly I think he's the only one I've ever truly felt that way about. I knew very early on with my ex that it wouldn't be forever but I kept kidding myself trying to make it seem different. It wasn't and I let it drag on way too long. I was talking with Brian the other night about us. We both agree that we are glad that it took this long for us to get together since we were both very different people when we first met. We have both grown so much. I still have a lot of changes to make but I have complete faith that we will be able to complete our growth together. I think that our coming together as more than friends has happened at the best time in both of our lives. I totally love almost everything about him. His smoking bothers me a bit but it's really something that everything else about him overrides. It's something I can live with even if he does it the rest of his life. Everything about the way he talks to me and looks at me and touches me and cuddles with me just makes me want him so much more. He asked why he is so wonderful. I have had the same thought about why he thinks I am so wonderful. All I can say is that he is everything I have ever dreamed of in the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He makes me laugh all the time, he is considerate, loving, kind, sexy, he loves family, he loves my kids and my kids love him. He has done more for me than I think I even know. I don't know how else to explain it except that I love him in every sense of the word. I don't know how I ever lived my life without him and he is what I have been waiting for all of my life. I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

The "L" word

2005-04-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

I said the "L" word! OMG! I can't believe it but I did. I couldn't help myself I had actually been trying really hard not to say it for about a day or so but I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I really do love him. This is one I truly believe could be forever. I still feel like I'm in a dream world. Everything else in my life is falling apart around me but there he is holding me up. He is my rock. I want to quit my job so bad right now I could just scream. But there is no way I will be able to find another job that will pay me as much as I am getting even with my pay cut. I went through my budget today and I can pretty much pay for my bills and have gas for my car and that's it. I have no money for groceries or anything else. I don't know what I am going to do. I called the credit card company today because I got a letter saying they needed additional information from me. Pretty much I am screwed. They can't do anything for me. They said that because I let him use the card the one time, he becomes an authorized user on my account. WTF! All I have is the contract he signed which is $1000 short of what he really owes me. I'm almost out of money in my savings account too. I tried to call him to find out when I would be receiving a payment and both of his phones are disconnected. I am so totally screwed now it's not even funny. I don't know what I'm going to do now. There is no way I can pay for that credit card bill. I haven't told my parents yet and I am so scared to. I don't know if they will help me now. They have helped me so much in the past and I don't want to ask them for anymore help. I was hoping that when school starts I'll be ok but with this credit card bill that I have now I don't know how I'm going to do it. I can't make it with school and a part time job and still be able to pay for everything. I think I will have to work full time in order to cover it. I am so lost now. Anyway, off to pick up Brian.

Can it be?

2005-04-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

So Friday I was removed from the training team at work. This was devastating to me as I have been on the team for nearly 2 years now. My boss told me that this had to do with the fact that I have had a pattern of being late and since I was 5 mins late on Thursday and Friday. I know that this has been an issue for me and I actually had not been late any other day that week. I think there were probably other factors that brought this on as well. I am having a difficult time dealing with this change because it is a loss in pay for me. I decided to go ahead and change accounts today and am starting with one of our new clients. This is a good opportunity for me to get away from Qwest so I can not be so burnt out. This is really the background reason for why I had been late so much. I think that even though this is a huge change for me I will be able to work through it. Once I start school I will be going part time anyway and wouldn't have been able to continue on the team. Hopefully this will end up being a good move for me. I called Brian as soon as this happened. He is so amazing. I am falling completely in love! I can't believe it. I don't understand it but I know it's happening. He was there for me just talking to me and listening to me cry on the phone. Then he met me at my house and was just there to comfort me. I spent the rest of the entire weekend with him. It has been the best weekend I have probably ever had. He is so amazing. He just astounds me with everything he does. He offers to help me with so much and my kids absolutely love him. I got to meet his kids this weekend as well. They are sooooooo cute. All of this is so insane to me. I have never felt this way before. And the way he is with my kids is absolutely wonderful. Everything just seems so much like I'm in the movies. Things like this just don't actually happen! I am still very scared but I think more so because I've never felt like this. It might actually be the real thing? So, one of the Ops managers from the other Qwest group called me and wants me to go to his group instead. He is probably the best boss I could possibly ask for. I am really thinking I should go for it. This would also be a good move because I wouldn't be on the phones. I think that is where I am going to go really. I would rather have him as a boss. Ok, well I think I've babbled on long enough. Hope everyone hasn't gotten too lost in my maze of babble...LOL! Anyway, I'm out.

Too good to be true?

2005-04-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

I kind of feel like I'm in a dream right now, now I think a better comparision would be like I'm in a romantic-comedy. It is so strange to me to feel like this. I am really scared because of all the what if's that go through my head but I am also so in awe. I can't believe the way he makes me feel. I have never been with a man that was so generous and caring. He wants to help me out with things, even just little things like helping cook or keeping my kids out of the water...LOL! It's just really nice. I think that's really why I feel like this is all just too good to be true. It's so weird because when we talk we can talk about anything and truly I mean ANYTHING! It's just kind of crazy but when there is silence it's ok, it's not that uncomfortable silence. I love it when he holds my hand, the way he touches me and when he puts his arms around me. It is sooooo nice :D I just can't seem to do anything except ramble on about him. This is totally insane. Everytime I read his blog or hear his voice or get an IM from him I just smile. And holy crap talk about laughing! When I read his blog from last night I about died laughing!!! It was a little stalker-ish...lol...but I'm ok with it. You have no idea how much he was turning me on today...and it was totally driving me crazy. AHHHHH!!!! LOL!!! This is really just so totally new to me, so I am just trying to take it day by day, I really don't want to rush into anything but I almost feel like we are. I know he doesn't want that either but on the other hand I kind of do. Seriously I need to get it together...lol! Anyway, I totally have to stop rambling now. So, I am so excited for tomorrow because I get my new escape! I can't wait, I just want to go driving in it and I hate to drive! LMAO! Well, gotta get the kids to bed, more updates later.

2005-04-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

Well I've gotta make this one short because I really have to get to bed tonight. But I did tell him about my secret....it went over better than I expected. I am glad, I was really afraid that it would affect how he felt about me. I am not the perfect person he thought I was, however, he says my secret is something he can get past, this is good news. He came over tonight and helped me make dinner and brought pudding for the kids...:) He is so cute with my kids and they adore him to pieces. He put his arms around me and that felt so good. I can't wait to spend more quality time with him. He held my hand on the way back to his place. It was funny because for me it was just really nice, I have dated since my divorce but he really hasn't so he tells me that it has been an extremely long ass time since he held someone's hand. It was really cute. :D I am just all smiles tonight, even though my kids are driving me crazy...lol Anyway, I'm off to bed, will update again tomorrow or so.

So I've got this friend....

2005-04-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

I've got this friend who is lonely
She's afraid she'll never find her one and only
A little shy but she can be fun
If the right guy came along
Would you know someone?

I've got this friend and it sounds crazy
But he's been feeling that way too a whole lot lately
And interested, oh I'm sure he'd be
I can almost speak for him
He's that close to me

Maybe in each other
They might find the lover
They've been missin' until now
They'd trust the judgment of
Two friends like us who care so much
Can we get them together...somehow

I've got this friend
Yeah, I think I know her
My arms can almost feel the way he'd hold her
It's like he's here when you describe him
And if he's anything like you I'm know she'd like him

Maybe in each other
They might find the lover
They've been missin' until now
They'd trust the judgment of
Two friends like us who care so much
Can we get together...I've got this friend

He told me today his deepest darkest secret. I am so glad that he had the courage and trust to tell me. This is something I truly struggle with for myself, I have a secret that I have never told anyone, not a single soul. I feel it is something that I should tell him but I am so afraid of what he will think of me. This is why no one knows, I can't tell anyone. It is something I told myself I would take to my grave...but there is someone else that knows that I did not tell and I am also afraid that somehow, sometime, he may find out and I would feel so horrible if it didn't come from me. I can't stand the thought of either thing happening. But in the end I know it will be better if I tell him and then I can get it off my shoulders. If I was going to tell anyone he would be the one I could tell. I just really don't know how he will react. I know how he feels about things and I just have no idea what his reaction will be with it coming from me. I guess I am telling myself that I have to tell him tonight. Better to do it now then drag it out and risk more.

The Drama that is my life

2005-04-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Oh the drama of my life. These days I just don't know where to begin. So at work on Thursday I had a huge argument with my boss. I asked him for feedback on why I wasn't given an interim promotion. He is a good friend of mine and I wanted honest feedback. Well, he decided we should do it over IM since he didn't want to go anywhere to talk. Anyway, he ended up saying a bunch of stuff that he couldn't or refused to back up. I am very frustrated. Now he won't talk to me at all. I don't know what to do. I do not want this to affect our friendship but it already is. I can't figure out what the deal is. I don't want him to give me preferential treatment at work just because I am his friend but I don't expect to be treated like an idiot especially since he has told me in the past how much he admires me at work. I know I have things to work on just as anyone does. But if he can't give me honest feedback and give me examples of things that I am doing then I cannot change. I am so pissed about the whole situation and now everything is going to be all fucked up at work. I don't want to put my other friends in the middle of everything but I need their advice, I don't want them to pick sides because we are all friends but I just don't know what else to do. I can't keep going through all of this. I am really just thinking about quitting. I don't know how I am going to do that because I don't think I'm going to be able to find another job that will pay me as much and be as flexible with my schedule. I also cannot continue to work in that kind of environment.
So I got a pleasant surprise on Saturday. You know when you watch those movies where the guy and girl are good friends and somehow in the end they end up together and you always dream of something romantic like that happening to you? So, a great friend of mine spent the day with me helping me shop for a car on Friday and then came over and worked on my computer and I made dinner and we watched a movie with the kids. He wrote all about it in his blog the next day and at the end left me a very surprising message that I really didn't think was for me. I asked him who it was actually for and he blew me away by telling me that he has loved me for a long time! I couldn't believe it....I thought he was joking around with me and it took me about 10 or 15 mins to decide that he really wasn't. I still can't believe it, I am in total shock and awe over the whole thing. I liked him as more than a friend a long time ago and thought at first that he felt the same way but then I came to the conclusion that he didn't so I just pushed it out of my mind and let it be. I feel like such an ass now knowing that this whole time he has been totally falling for me and I have been sitting here telling him all about these relationships that I want and have had. I was totally clueless! He is an amazing man and makes me want so badly to make myself better and has made me feel that way for a long time. He pushes me to be more, do to things I know I can do but have never had the courage to do. I can tell him anything and have shared more of myself with him than I have anyone in my life including my parents. I have said for years that I wanted to be married to my best friend and I still believe that.
Just when I feel like things are finally starting to fall in to place in my life and then some part of it falls apart again. It's like a sand castle, you get it where it's almost perfect and along comes a wave that washes half of it out. That's kind of how I feel right now, I'm starting to get my love life more where I want it and down comes the side that has been so stable and has been holding everything else together....my job.

YAY!!!

2005-04-02T02:21:00.000-07:00

I am so excited!!!! I had today off and decided I needed to get Brian out of the house. So we went out and decided to go take a look at a Ford Escape that I found. Thank god I took Brian with me...he is really awesome with that kind of shit....so I really liked this '02 Escape, they wanted $19,999 for it! I am about $4,000 in the hole on my van so that totally wasn't working because my payment had to be somewhere around $380/mo! That's more than $100 more than I'm paying now. No way I could do that, so we went in to talk to the financial manager and he got me in to an '05 Escape with only 17,000 mi on it for $327/mo, I couldn't believe it. This is a lease option but turns out to be an outstanding deal! The new one isn't here yet but I get to pick it up on Thursday. I'm so excited, I can't wait! Cheyenne is going to completely freak out. We kind of talked about it a bit tonight and she freaked out again that we were not going to get a new car. She's gonna be a bit surprised when I come to pick her up in it...LOL So yeah, my date with Nate was absolutely awesome! We had a great time...played some really crappy pool but it was really fun. I love being able to go out and feel very comfortable with someone. We talked, he was a bit shy but I don't blame him since it was me, my friend and him. When he got home we IM'd until 2 in the morning when I accidentally fell asleep talking to him....LOL He said he had a great time and that he thought I was even more attractive in person. I love that! I told Brian tonight that basically I am still insecure about that kind of thing. Nate is pretty much a total hottie. It's hard for me to think of a guy like him, liking me. However, I am going to get past that and know that he means what he says. This is just something I have to tell myself and know, then I will get past it. He is sooooooo sweet. We are already planning to go out again. I can't wait...I don't know which one I can't wait more for....LOL He called tonight and we talked on the phone for an hour...it was really awesome. I just hope that this can truly bloom in to something more. I think I have learned my lesson on rushing things. Yes, I want to see him as much as possible, but just really want to hang out and play pool and go to the park and things like that, no jumping in to anything. He just came out of a 7 year relationship so he feels the same way. He loves dogs so that is definitely a plus and doesn't think dog showing is stupid. I think this definitely has a great potential. He doesn't seem to be totally sex crazed so that is also a really good thing. Anyway, I'm off to bed....maybe...still talking to Nate tonight...LOL

Friends

2005-04-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

The best kind of friend is one that is always true and helps you to find yourself whether they mean to or not. Brian you are an amazing man, please don't ever forget that. You have done so much more for me than anyone I have ever known. I know that you will be able to find yourself again. You are one who will never succumb to the darkness, you may feel it is taking over but always know that you have a light that will never go out. I hope that I can be even a quarter of the friend you have been to me.

"It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive -- to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are."
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."
~The Rumi

Never forget...

Keep up

2005-03-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, J got the apartment on campus he was trying to get. I am glad. I don't know that having him live with me was going to work out. I think I've decided that I give up on Jared. I asked him last night what he meant by things will get better. He just said that he meant things would start getting better for me. WHAT!?! Where the hell that came from I don't know. I wasn't being all down on myself or anything. I have been in a really good mood and everything lately. I don't know why he would say that. Then today we were talking about how he had some time to talk to me a work a little more today, he said I should feel special and I said " nah, I would feel special if we made a date and you actually showed up" he just chuckled. That's what he does when he is avoiding a subject. Then he didn't say anything else. Figures. Anyway, I just don't think he is really ready for a real relationship and I am and I can't just wait around for him, so I guess if he wants to start something and I'm not already involved then we'll see what happens but other than that, it's his loss. I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and move on with my life. Like I said before I'm not going to just stand by and watch my life move on without me anymore. I have to keep going and whoever wants to be a part of that is going to have to keep up with me. Great news I got last night, as Jizr called me at 11:30 at night when I was in a dead sleep, took me a minute to realize what he was talking about when he yelled "She's Alive!!!" in my ear. Thanks for that nice wake up call, once I figured out what was going on it was very nice to know that he wasn't in nearly as much pain as Laura woke up from her coma. I think that's probably a very good sign for her. I hope and pray to god that he will keep it that way for years and years to come.

I can't find my blog! LOL

2005-03-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know where to begin. I need to start blogging more often....I get lost as to where I am at sometimes. LOL Well, again I am at a loss. Jizr has me working on finding myself again. It is definitely something I want to do but is going to be a lot of work. I just keep piling it on. Sometimes I think it's good to just tackle all of these things all at once. So, Jamaal asked me today if my offer to have him move in was still on the table. I told him it was but that we had a lot of things to discuss. As of yet, I have not heard back from him on that. The thing is I really want to be with Jared if that is something that is possible. I can not wait forever for him though. That is how I ended up going out with J in the first place. I do love J but if I had a choice today to be with one of them for the rest of my life, I would choose Jared. I just feel like I have so much more of a connection with him. I kind of want to see what may be in the cards with J but at the same time I don't want to jeopardize what may be in the cards with Jared. This is all just getting too complicated. Maybe I should just cut the cord with both of them and start fresh again. ARGH!!!!! I told Jared last night that I really wanted to find out where our relationship could go but that I couldn't wait forever for him. He didn't really say much other than, he promised it would get better. I don't really know what he meant by that. I guess I just kind of have to wait it out. I won't just sit by idly though. I have already started talking with 2 other guys who seem very nice. The best prospect probably being a guy from Pocatello named Nate. He seems pretty awesome. I've only been talking to him about a week. We'll see what kind of prospect he turns out to be...LOL I will have to see what kind of conversation I have with J before I make a final decision on him. Until then, the jury is still out, for me anyway. Well, I'm out for now.

Growing

2005-03-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

Well, as I've said before in this past few weeks, I am still in search of finding out what love is. Sometimes I really think you can be in love and not know it. Now, this doesn't mean that you are in complete love where you love someone so deeply and truly that it hurts. I am definitely still in search of that. I don't think that kind of love is something that comes about right away, I think that kind of love comes from loving someone and letting that love grow in to more. After pondering this for awhile and doing as much sole searching as I have in the past several weeks I think that I do love J. Again this is not the truly, madly, deeply in love. I hope it can grow in to that but we are far from that place. I still know that I must take care of the financial side of our relationship first. If we can't get past that then we will never be able to go anywhere else. When I talked to him today it was so nice to hear him laughing and having fun, I could hear the "smile" in his voice. LOL That's what I want, I want to always be able to hear that from him when I talk to him. There is so much that I want from him and for him to get from me. I am again considering asking him to move in with me. This would make things easier for the financial side of things and hopefully would be better for our overall relationship. I haven't told Laurellee about any of this yet. I am trying to find the right words and the way to explain to her that I don't want her to criticize I just need her to support me and if she has concerns then she can express those to me but I also want to hear valid reasons for her concerns. In the end I am my own person and I have to make my own decisions and live with them. Of course I want my friends input because I value all of my friends opinions but I will no longer allow myself to only listen to other people and not to my own heart and head. I have for too long let that happen and I can no longer do that. I have decided to take control of my life and this is one of the first steps in doing that. I have made one move to go back to school and for me that was a big one. I am going to need all the help I can get on that one. My next big move is to really start searching for the love of my life. If J isn't it then that is fine but I have to explore this and figure it out. If anything I already know that I have grown as a person due to the relationship I have already had with him. I can only be made a better person at this point because I am not going to stop growing. I will never again be in standing in stagnant water. I may have to pause here and there to catch my breath but it will never again be for long.

Feelings just get in the way

2005-03-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

I thought I was over it. I was doing so great, I was completely fine with the fact that I was done with J and now all I had to deal with was getting payments from him to pay off what he owes me. Then I got a phone call last night just before I left work. It was J, I figured I'd be hearing some smartass comment from him, "like what did you want the other day when you called?" But no instead he wants to know if I'm doing anything after work and if he can come and see me. I asked him why he wanted to see me and he said because he missed me and missed being around me. Now, I don't really know what I think again! One stupid phone call and everything is turned all upside down again. I don't know if it's me having true feelings for him or if it just because I'm lonely. I do know that my primary objective is still to get my money back from him. I want to love him but wanting love and loving are 2 completely different things. I don't know that wanting love can ever be enough to make you love someone. You can't make someone love you so how can you make yourself love someone. I don't think it's possible. Before I thought I might be able to get over the money thing and still be able to love him but I'm just not sure that's possible now. I think I've decided that this is a matter that needs a little time to sort through. Like the Jizr said on his blog the other day. Everyone has facades that they build to go through life and when you love someone you have to break down all of those facades and love all of them. That I think is where I am at now, I need to break down his facades so I can see what is really underneath.

Life

2005-03-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

Life is such a complex thing. For instance all of the things I am going through right now. All of this could have been simple but instead thoughts and feelings and human nature get in the way. Sometimes I think these are good things and other times I'm not so sure. Although, when you really think about it, humans are creatures that are meant to evolve. So how do we evolve? Well, I believe that the only way to evolve is by trial and error. That is all life is. Years and years of trial and error and hopefully in the end we will have evolved in to a happy and healthy person that can share all that we have learned with others. Unfortunately, there are those that don't make it that far. I heard a new song on the radio not long ago called "How Do You Get That Lonely" by Blaine Larsen. It is basically a story about an 18 year old boy who kills himself and the singer is trying to figure out how someone could be lonely enough that they would rather have no life than live the life they have. This song touches my soul. I have never lost anyone that I knew to suicide but I went to a funeral with a friend of mine to support her when another friend of hers shot himself. I know several people that have had to deal with this and I'm sure they have all thought those same things.
"How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know"
This is something that even when I am in a slump and feeling very down, I would never consider I always think of all of those people that I know that have had someone commit suicide and all the horrible things that they had to endure. I would never want my loved ones to go through that and I would never ever leave my kids behind like that. We have to go through all of these trials of life in order to evolve and become better. I think in the end we are all headed for the same goal of becoming better as people. Some people will never learn the lessons of life and others learn from their mistakes and keep moving forward. I hope to be one of those that learns and moves forward. I feel like I am just sitting, letting my life run me rather than me running my life. This is something I must change. I can no longer sit back and idly watch my life move forward, that is not getting me to the place I want to be and I will never find happiness unless I do something about it. I will give J the chance to take care of his debt without the legal ramifications but if he chooses not to take it then I will no longer feel bad about it. He made the decision to use the money without talking to me about it and I have done all that I can without putting my family in further jeopardy.
Now, on to bigger and better things. As I think many of you know I will be starting school at ISU in the fall and working toward my Doctorate of Pharmacy. Now, this is going to be very difficult starting out for me. First of all, I have a hard time being on time and keeping a regular routine for anything. This is something I will have to master in the next couple of months since I plan to work full time, go to school full time and still be a full time parent. Full time, full time, full time. I don't know how it is all going to work out right now but I have to start getting myself into a regular routine now so that I can be more prepared. I have always been a good student and have been fortunate enough that learning comes pretty easily for me. I am scared, however, I have never really had to study before, ever. It has all come to me so easily, I know this will not be the case with college and especially not in this field, which will be very demanding and challenging. I am scared but very excited at the same time. It will be a good change for me and good to get my mind working more on things of this nature. I can't wait. What a challenge though. If anyone has any words of advice make sure to drop a note.

What is right?

2005-03-20T01:55:00.000-07:00

How do you know what's the right thing to do? I think the majority of the time it's pretty black and white, but how do you decide when it's not so black and white? I honestly do not want J to go to jail or really to get in trouble at all for this stupid situation that we are in. Maybe that's just me but I really don't know what the right thing is. Do I call my credit card company and tell them that I will take the responsibility for the charges and let him pay the bill or do I let them pursue the charges against him? All of my friends seem to think that I should let them pursue the charges against him, but I need to figure out what is right for me and what I think is the right thing. I always seem to second guess myself and I never get anywhere because of that. I need to start doing the things I think are right and then just stick with them whatever the consequences are. With that, I think that I am telling myself, I let him use my card, I knew he had my card and I trusted him. So why am I not trusting him now? I realize that the relationship I had with him is gone. But I think I have to trust that he will pay me back. So, I think I have made a plan for now. I will call and talk to my credit card company and see what my options are in all of this. Then I will make a decision that is based on the things I know. I will write again when I decide.

Not understanding

2005-03-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I can't get him out of my head. I hate this feeling. I catch myself thinking that I somehow wish I was pregnant with his kid. ARGH!!!! I don't know what that would solve, I'm sure that it would just make things worse between us. This is why I hate relationships. I want so bad to have that loving feeling back. I want to be in his arms, I loved everything about that. In fact to be honest I loved everything about him except the fact that he was not very open or honest with me about the money. Why does money have to be a factor? If I were rich then I would have absolutely no cares about money. Like I've said before I really don't care all that much about money, for me it's a necessity of life and if I didn't have to have it I wouldn't. I just wish I had enough to share with everyone and then I'd be perfectly happy. So, I talked to J today. He says he's moving on. He apparently moved from the apartment he was living in before. I don't know exactly what he meant by moving on. I don't know what is going inside my head. Has anyone ever been able to tell the difference between what you head is saying and what your heart is saying??? If you have, please teach me because I have absolutely no idea. I just want to be able to find someone that I can be truly and blissfully happy with. One of the mother's at Cheyenne's dance class brought her husband in to watch their daughter dance the last couple of weeks, they were so cute together. I'm sure they've been married for quite a few years now and they were so playful together and kissing and just acting as if they were newlyweds. That is what I want. To have that unconditional love and happiness. I know that everything can't be perfect and there will be times when there are arguments and I'm perfectly fine with that. I feel like I always totally get the shaft when it comes to relationships? Why can Derrick move in with someone and get married almost immediately after our divorce and seem to be totally happy and yet I take my time and look for someone that I know I can spend the rest of my life with and I can barely get a date. I've been out with what 4 guys since I got divorced and that has only been in the last 6 months. I just don't understand why men can't relate to me romantically. Someone help me out here. Brian asked on his blog today for help in finding his faults. I think that's a great idea because I truly don't understand where I'm going wrong. I know I have faults but pinpointing them is something I've been having quite the time doing. So for all of you out there that know me, drop me a message and let me know.

Sigh of relief

2005-03-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Finally! I finally started my cycle, what a relief. (Big sigh of relief) You know I really want another baby but I just can't right now. I really want to be married before I have another baby and especially with the things going on with J and I right now that probably would not be a good situation at all. I just don't know what to do right now. I hate being in this situation, I hate the fact that J hates me. I just don't want to do this anymore, if I could rewind time I would. This is probably the worst situation I've ever put myself in.

Argh....

2005-03-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

So I feel like crud today. My kids have been sick and Charlie has had pneumonia for a couple of weeks now, so I don't know who I got it from I just know my head feels like there are a thousand elephants cramming themselves inside...LOL So I don't know what I'm going to do about J I talked to him online on Monday and we seemed to be being civil or at least I thought anyway. I asked him if he could agree to make a plan with me to take care of all of the debt and I would call my credit card company. He never answered. So I asked again on Tuesday when I got him to talk to me a bit and again he didn't answer. Now he won't talk to me at all. I just don't understand him at all. Then there's Jared he was supposed to come over on Saturday night for dinner and low and behold he canceled again. This is not a big change, over the 5 or 6 months that I have known him we have probably made plans about 6 or 7 times and only once has he actually shown up. He does manage to let me know ahead of time and doesn't just not show up. I just don't get him at all, I know he is scared of getting hurt and of him hurting me, we have talked about this several times. I'm afraid but I'm willing to take the chance. He just doesn't seem to be willing. We are both very attracted to each other and came very close to having sex together the 1 time we have actually gone out. Both of us have expressed the fact that we do not want sex to be an early factor in our relationship because it is hard to build on that. We both keep saying how much we want to be friends first. Only problem is that if we don't see each other more how can we be better friends? I feel like I know him pretty well and I can tell when he is avoiding subjects. I just feel like I've known him forever and I am very at ease with him. I want more with him. But trying to get it has been a huge challenge. He is an amazing guy. I just don't know where to go from here.
Scared myself a bit yesterday. I haven't started my cycle yet! I'm only like 2 days late but it's really freaking me out. I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative but now I'm worried I did it too early. Hopefully I will start soon so I can stop freaking out. You know I really want another baby but this is not really the time. Ideally I want to be married again and have been married for at least a year before getting pregnant. If somehow it turns out I am I will definitely keep the baby and we would just have to see how J feels about being part of the baby's life. I really don't think that I am and I'm sure I'm freaking out for nothing but I seem to remember having the same thoughts when I was pregnant the last 2 times. Hopefully that's not a sign. Anyway, I'll write again soon.

Dazed and Confused

2005-03-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am so lost these days. I just can't figure out how I should feel and how I really do feel. Everything is all jumbled up in my head. I am a very trusting and caring type of person, maybe that's a bad thing but I really can't be anything else. I know that J has done some things that no one should ever do and I know that he took advantage of having my card. However, I don't in any way believe that he purposely was out to do that to me. I don't think he really meant to hurt me in any way. In fact I'm not really sure he realized how much money he was spending. I already know that he is not the greatest with finances or he wouldn't have needed any of this anyway. I also know that I really do not want to hassle with anything legal I would almost rather be out all that money than to deal with the legal issues. I do believe that he will pay me and I want to work out a plan for him to make all of the credit card payments so that everything can be taken care of civilly. I don't want to get him in more trouble. I still have strong feelings for him. I want to be able to talk to him face to face and work everything out so we can take care of this. I don't really know if I want a relationship with him now or not but I hope that we may be able to at least work things out enough that we can talk to each other and not feel like we hate each other. I don't hate him and I have already forgiven him and I hope that he will forgive me for some of the things that I said to him. We did talk a bit today online and I think we were able to be honest with each other. That's the biggest thing to me. If I had known more of what was going on and the things he was paying off and all of that then it wouldn't have been such an issue because I would have trusted more in the fact that he would pay off the debt. He has opened up so much more with me in the last week than I think he ever did in the month we were dating. I just want to see what we can do without involving legal issues. If he can make a commitment to me and rework the contract that we signed then I will call my credit card company and tell them that we will be paying off the debt rather than putting it through all the fraud stuff.

Thoughts

2005-03-12T00:26:00.000-07:00

Why is it that even when someone does something to you that makes you so incredibly mad but you can still have strong feelings for them? I don't really understand it but I just keep thinking "did I do the right thing?" In a situation like this I'm not entirely sure that there is ONE right thing. A part of me still wants to trust him and take back everything but I know that can't happen. I just want to not have lent him all that money and have been able to see where the relationship may have gone without any of that. I am making dinner for Jared tomorrow night and we're going to watch movies at my place. I don't know where this might go, we have agreed to be friends and just see what happens from there. I am extremely attracted to him because he is so down to earth and easy to talk to. He knows about everything that has happened with J. I feel like I've known him for years and I have no trust issues what so ever with him. He is already an amazing friend but I am extremely scared to start anything more with him for fear he will either end up back with Amy or that he will get scared and not want to move forward. We have been out once before. This was about 2 months ago now. It took me about 4 months to get him to go out with me the first time. I had an amazing time, we talked so much. He said he had a good time as well but I couldn't get him to go out again up until I was already seeing J so I couldn't really go out again at that time. Now that J is out of the picture Jared has agreed to go out again which is great, I really want to see more of him and really get to know him better. I'm just really afraid of being hurt again and I know he doesn't want to hurt me and would never do so intentionally. I already know that he is scared of getting involved too for the same reasons. Really though if you think about it you have to get hurt sometimes in order to find real love. So I am going to press on and see what happens, I hope to find so much more about him that I love.

Pit of Despair.....

2005-03-09T20:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm falling in to a pit of despair or if I'm jumping. I feel like I want to just jump in and curl up and ignore the world, it might be safer there. So, Monday I did end up going to Pocatello with my 4 "bodyguards" Brian (head bodyguard), Rob (aka Tank), Charlie (aka backup) and Richard (aka mouth). J couldn't "see me" so he took my card, key and a signed contract to the Public Safety office at ISU where I picked them up. Brian was a little pissed to find out how much J really owes me. Pissed is just to say the least.
So, this morning I returned a call from my credit card company from last night. I decided to look at my statement online before I called. In doing so I found nearly another $1,000 in charges on my account! My account also showed that my available amount was -$647. I asked the credit card agent why it showed that when my balance wasn't as much as my limit, she said it was because there were several transactions that were pending approval. I couldn't believe it! Most of them had been declined due to a wrong pin being entered. I don't understand how someone who says they love you can do something like this to you. I'm not even sure I can believe in love anymore. I wouldn't be able to pay my credit card bill if I had to with those kinds of charges on it. Luckily my limit is only $6,700. Now, keep in mind that I use my credit card very seldom and I think the most I've probably ever put on it until now is about $1,000. I am a very frugal person and I don't spend money I don't have, what I did put on there I was going to pay with my tax returns which I have now lent all of to J. The lady at the credit card company told me that I would have to be willing to press charges in order to dispute any of the transactions that I didn't authorize. I decided that I would like to try and resolve the situation without going to that extent first. So, being pissed as I was about finding these new charges I had to get to work as I was already late. You know when you are thinking about something so deeply that you really don't pay attention to how fast you are driving? Well, that was me today and just my luck a cop happened to be radaring on my work route today. He clocked me at 52 mph in a 35 mph zone and to top it off I didn't have my most recent proof of insurance in my van. So, not only did I get a $53 speeding ticket but I also got a $107 proof of insurance fine added to it. Luckily I can get that part taken off by going to the court house with my proof of insurance. Do you think my day could get any worse? Well, it did........
So, after I get to work I call J and leave him a message to call me ASAP to talk about my credit card. A few hours later he calls back. I told him that I found another $1,000 on my statement and that since he didn't tell me about so many of these charges that he was to pay his entire debt including the new $1,000 in full by Monday or I would be taking action for the unauthorized charges on my credit card. He proceeded to be completely unreasonable and yell at me and he even had the nerve to tell me the only reason I was mad was because he didn't want to be with me anymore! I couldn't believe he said that, as if I want to be with someone who could do something like this to me. I think not! He kept telling me that I was screwed because I signed the contract that didn't include that extra $1,000 on it. I don't think that will matter since at the time the contract was signed those charges were not on my statement and I couldn't have known about them unless he told me. I finally had it with the way he was treating me on phone including calling me a bitch and hanging up on me about a hundred times! So, I called the credit card company back and told them I was willing to press charges. They canceled my account for fraud and I told them all of the charges that I had not authorized which were at least 85% of the transactions on my bill. They will be doing a full fraud investigation on it. I really just don't get how someone could do something like this? How can someone not have a conscience? Doesn't everyone have that little angel sitting on their shoulder saying "You know you shouldn't do that"? I am just at a loss. He still swears that he was and is going to pay me back and he did admit that he took advantage of having my credit card. I hope and pray to god that he will.

I'm Done!

2005-03-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am done. Here it is 5:30 and he still hasn't shown up, he called about 2:00 to say that he ended up having to go to American Falls anyway but that he would be here as soon as he was done. I've called several times now and received no answer and I've left 2 messages for him to call me as soon as he got the message. I decided to check my credit card statement again today and to my amazment (I'm not exactly sure why) close to another $1000 was added. I am absolutely done now. He doesn't get anymore chances. I am going to report the card stolen and advice that none of those purchases were authorized. I just cannot take anymore of this.

At a loss.....

2005-03-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am at such a loss. I took 5 hours off work today because when I talked to J last night he still needed me to take him to American Falls for court for his night in jail due to his license. So I got off work this morning and was headed to my house to get his address and called him on the way there so I could leave him a message for when he got out of class to call me and give me directions to his place. He answered the phone and got all pissy with me because he was in class and he got everything taken care of with the whole court thing this morning. I said well it would have been nice if you had called me to let me know it was taken care of because I took most of the day off work to take you. Then he said well you can just keep working then. I said, I already left. I got off the phone with him because he had to get back to class. After sitting and thinking a bit I just decided I would call his home number and leave a message letting him know that I would be there at 2:00 when he got done with class to pick up my credit card and have him sign a contract stating he would have the money paid back to me in full in 6 months. He answered the phone when I called there. So, I told him that I wasn't sure that I wanted to further our relationship and I asked how he felt about it. He said he still wanted to be with me. I told him he had a funny way of showing it. He asked when I would be home from work and I told him I wasn't going back to work today. He said he was on his way up here now. So, we'll see what happens. I'll keep my page updated as the story evolves.......

The Jizr Was Here!

2005-03-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

On behalf of the blog owner, The Jizr has made some much needed improvements! I hope it is very aesthetic. Happy reading!

Questions.....

2005-03-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

All I have right now is questions. Brian helped me last night in figuring out that yes I am totally insecure. What real things has J done to make me not trust him? Nothing really. I am basing my trust on the fact that I haven't seen him for a week. But when I really look at it. He was gone for a week to Texas and when he got back he spent the entire next week with me. Didn't really hang out with any of his friends or anything. Now he has just wanted to spend a week with his friends. Yes, I am jealous. I guess I do want him to spend most of his free time with me. Part of me just really wants the companionship and the other part feels like he "owes" me time because of the money I loaned him. I know the part that feels like he owes me is wrong. I should want to be with him just for the companionship. That's what a relationship is all about, having someone to share all of your life experiences with. That's the thing I hate about money. Really I couldn't give a shit about the money, if I didn't have to have it, I wouldn't, it only causes problems.
J called me at 3am this morning, we both said we were sorry. He told me that he will pay me back and that he really does love me and that by the grace of god I came in to his life and was willing to help him. He still says that he will be here today. I think my stance right now is just to proceed with caution because there have been other red flags that have come up, namely just that he would ask me to help him with money this soon in to our relationship. I think I will draw up a contract and make him sign it, with a plan of how much and when he will pay me back. I know that doesn't sound very trusting but I feel like it just has to be done to protect myself just in case. Look at it like a prenup, they are between two people that love each other enough to get married and they still draw up some protection. Hopefully I will see him today and get to spend a fair amount of time with him.

HELP!!!!!

2005-03-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

I am at my wits end right now. J won't even let me finish a sentence. He just keeps telling me that I am being insecure and that he is going to pay me back all the money he has borrowed. I told him I want to know what the plan is to pay me back since I don't even have enough to pay my own bills right now. He's so mad that he won't even talk to me about it. Says he doesn't want to discuss it over the phone or in front of his friends and that I am ruining his night. Right now I really don't give a shit if I ruin his night, he's already ruined mine. I just don't even know how to think this through. Yes, I totally see his point in the fact that yeah maybe I am a little insecure and yeah I was a little upset by the fact that I haven't seen him all week but most of that was because he said he was going to see me and then never showed up. Now he promises that he will be here tomorrow so we can talk about everything. I guess we'll see. There's not much else I can do at this point. God he is really pissing me off. He is being so selfish right now it's not even funny. Ok, well he could probably say the same about me. He says he is taking risks too because he knows that if I really wanted to I could call my credit card company and tell them my card was stolen and have him arrested. I guess that's true, if he doesn't come up here tomorrow I probably will do that. I just can't take the risk anymore. I have to think about my family first. I want so bad to believe that everything will be fine but I need something to reassure me of that and so far J isn't even trying to do something to reassure me. Everything is about me being insecure and he won't even consider anything else. God I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear to the world. I don't want to have to deal with any of this shit anymore. Luckily I have some great friends to get me through this. I had to have Laura tell Laurellee because I was so afraid to tell her because I knew she would be pissed that I let him borrow money from me. I still can't believe myself how much I let him borrow. I am so stupid sometimes I just want to kick my own ass. She was mad at first and then she let herself calm down and she called me. She made some very good points. Brian is always my logical voice, he says "step outside of the situation." So, how is it that you do that? I really don't know how to take myself out of a picture. I can always seem to put myself in one but have no idea how to take myself out. I am so naive when it comes to relationships. I really don't have enough experience to be able to figure out what is real and what isn't and how to distinguish between my feelings. I figure at least I can admit that fact. Maybe J just can't deal with someone like me. I have been hurt badly and I just have a hard time being secure. Sometimes you can try with everything you have but you have to have something to hold on to in order to stay afloat. Just throw me a line please. Maybe I'm really not ready to date again. I feel like I've jumped in feet first just like I should but I just don't have that line being there to hold on to if I need it I just can't seem to swim.

Rock Bottom?

2005-03-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

How do you know when you have hit bottom? It seems that since I have been with J he has had nothing but problems......now I don't know that this all started with me or if it's just because I didn't know him before. He is currently on probation for a bar fight he got in to last spring but it is not felony probation so he has less restrictions. However, he seems to have pretty shitty luck. He's been pulled over numerous times since we have been going out. Each time he's been ticketed for not having a valid drivers license. He still has his Texas license but is supposed to have an Idaho license by now. Last night he was on his way to see me and got pulled over again and this time they arrested him because of his license. His grandma got deathly ill a week in to our relationship and he had to go to Texas for a week. He had $500 some odd dollars stolen out of his bank account and his bank won't do anything for 6-8 weeks. So how do you know when to cut the cord. I'm a person who has never been in trouble with the law and never want to, most I've ever had is one speeding ticket. Sometimes I wonder whether it's worth it or not.....whether it's just luck or him. I hate second guessing my feelings and things that people say to me......I hate not knowing whether I can trust them or not. I always get screwed when I give people the benefit of the doubt. If I ever get the chance to see him again (since I haven't seen him all week) I guess I'm going to have to sit down with him and try to figure this all out.

What is love really?

2005-03-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

This seems to be a recurring question. I don't really know if you can describe it and how do you really know if you're "In Love"? There is a difference between loving someone and being "In Love" with someone. Like, I know I love my parents and my kids and my friends and yes even my ex-husband, but I do not really know if I was ever really "In Love" with my ex-husband. When you spend that much time with a person and they are the father of your children you don't really have a choice. I find myself knowing that I am definitely "In Lust" with "J" but I just can't really say if I am "In Love". But really what is the difference? Does anyone really know? If you do, please clue me in. I know that I want to be with him and want to be able to share every part of my life with him and want him to share every part of his life with me but is that all there is to it or is there more? Sometimes I think I really want to spend every waking moment with him but it's only been a month, is that too soon? But then again, life is short why waste time? But am I wasting time? These are all questions that I ponder continually. I'm not saying that I want to jump in to a marriage because I'm way far off from that. I almost wonder though why not live together. We already have sex so that's no change. Why not start that part of the relationship so we can decide whether or not we can really stand each other that much. Some people say that is a big step but I really wonder whether it is or not. Again, I think, life is short, if you don't waste time and just get past all of the middle stuff then you can know "do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" and if not then you can cut it out quicker and move on.

Some days

2005-02-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

You know there are just some days when you wish everything in your life would just go away and you could just have a free day with no worries or annoyances or bothers of any kind. Do you ever wonder why life seems to go by so much faster when you have all of those things. I remember when I was a kid how the days seemed to take forever to get over with and how summer vacation seemed like an eternity. I miss those days. If I could just have a break where I could have only a few days that were like that again it would be splendiferous! Don't get me wrong I love my kids with all my heart and soul and I would never trade them for anything but there are just some days when I wish I didn't have the responsability. And it seems more often lately that not only do I want to have a man in my life to have someone to share myself and my family with but also to help with all of the responsabilities that we all have as we get older and have families. I want someone that can help with the burden of those things both financially and mentally. I am the type of person who does not spend a lot of money and I normally don't splurge on many things. I have plenty of self control when it comes to telling myself no on things but when someone asks me for help I don't seem to be able to say no. I don't know if that all goes back to my poor self image but I am sure that it is a good possibility that it does. I don't mind helping out a friend when they are in need if it is a small amount of money as long as I have the money to cover it but it's when it turns in to large sums of money when I begin to feel taken advantage of. Again, it's my own fault because I always agree to do it but now looking back at my own finances I can see that it has gone overboard and I totally have to stop it now before I get myself in too deep. These days I know I need to get better control of my feelings and my emotions. I let them get in the way too often I'm afraid. I need to look at the big picture more often.
I just have to say that sometimes it's a little scary at how alike BH and I are. It's insane how last night we talked about what a total tard I am and then I blogged for the first time. I sent him the link and he said he would have to read it today. Well, I went to his blog and found how we seemed to blog about something very similar! It's insane! I guess that's why I am able to talk to him about so many more things than I am a lot of people. I know he won't sugar coat anything and he will just tell me what an idiot I am when I am being one. Thanks for everything. ;)

bccw123

A Long Time......

Anger, hurt, saddness.......

Again...

I don't understand

In Response....

GETTING MARRIED!!!!

The Water Pot

When You Say You Love Me

*sigh*

Used To

The Mayonnaise Jar

Natural Highs

Don't forget

I miss it

It's been a while

OMG!!!! I LOVE RASCAL FLATTS!!!!

YAY! uhhh kinda.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! I finally finished and WARNING very personal information and probably a lot of TMI

Thoughts

It's over

Dream....uhh...more like nightmare!

Christmas time

I miss having friends......

Where do we go from here?

Confused

Why the fuck.....

I just had to... Love Yoshi

I'm back again

So, yeah......

Soooo.......

I know....I know....

Merry Christmas!!!

New update

Fuck off!

Do a little dance...make a little love....get down tonight!

Update on Grandpa

I did it.

Blog-a-thon

Angry!

Updating....

Grrrrrrrrrr.....

Puzzling

Life's too short

Update YAY!

Busy, busy, busy.

Self

Facades?

The conversation

It's Amazing

Another year gone by

A long time...

The day before you

Whirl wind of hell

Too good to be true?

Life and Love

The "L" word

Can it be?

Too good to be true?

So I've got this friend....

The Drama that is my life

YAY!!!

Friends

Keep up

I can't find my blog! LOL

Growing

Feelings just get in the way

Life

What is right?

Not understanding

Sigh of relief

Argh....

Dazed and Confused

Thoughts

Pit of Despair.....

I'm Done!

At a loss.....

The Jizr Was Here!

Questions.....

sigh